Still Pushing That @#$%ed Rock!

[MoonDog]

Just got done with a heated discussion with the wife. I went home for something and discovered that she was not at work. She informed me that she was going out with a girlfriend tonight. I replied that if it wasn't about chasing men, I was fine with it.

She told me her reason for feeling unsafe. It's because she saw me beat the hell out another man in front of her (The OM). I asked her how she thought I supposed to react in a situation like
that. She said she heard second-hand that he was pretty bruised up and his face was a mess afterward.

I told her that she was safe around me that night, and she always will be safe around me. I would never strike a woman. I'm sure she knows that, but ammo is ammo.

The discussion was back to her not being allowed to have friends, think for herself or make decisions on her own. She has very rare examples where I didn't like someone who called theirselves her friend. Like a girl she had over who tried to seduce me one night when her back was turned, or another who pushed her to drink all of the time. I asked her if trust was an important enough quality to have in a friend and she agreed so. I then asked if she could trust someone as a friend when they would do something like that.

No answer, just another string of accusations.

After listening to her list of grievances, I really don't think there is much of a chance. There are many things that she only sees one side of. Alot of sex issues, where she claims to only have done certain things simply to please and keep the peace. She could have spoken up then. Why, in some cases, years later?

I have admitted to being selfish at times. We all are, but the way she interprets the story, she never was. If not, then why the attitude now? Why the affairs? Why would she be willing to walk out on her family? Everything she is doing at the moment is self-centered and uncaring.

I told her that I wanted one of two things. Get back into the game, get past her issues or get out.

She still seems reluctant to get out. She says she doesn't picture herself with me in five years, yet she still hangs on. She is skeptical that any change she sees in me will last. She claims that she has no feelings toward me.

Then she mentioned a vacation. She doesn't want to go until we are getting along better. So in light of all this, she intends to get along better down the line? Mixed signals out the ya-ya.

Head spinning. Confused...

[always_14]

MD - everything you described is so MLC, right?

* Picking on "crucial" things YEARS later
* rewriting history
* blaming everything on you - everything is so 1-sided
* things that had nothing to do with you are suddenly your fault (aka, her inability to mature)
* you kicking OM is now making her a victim - raging victim complex

Yep, all MLC. All things I hear from my H all the time. Now he has a raging victim complex at work, as well. He is always the martyr.

Just let go, man.

Breathe deep, this is not about you....she's really whacked and about pointing the finger of blame on everyone.

For me, the moment of stepping way back and even more came when the incongruity of their immaturity and lack of introspection is juxtaposed with our own super-focus on ourselves and growth.

It's like they go backwards while we are shot forwards in growth. And, you just can't be there helping them grow. They have to do it on their own.

Like you did, and we all did. On our own.

Reassure her, but don't be confused or think you can fix this. She has to do it herself. Obviously, it's something she's needed for a LONG time.

[MoonDog]

I have to agree. She is bringing up stuff that happened when we were high school sweethearts. And things that happened when we were first married.

I was a kid then. A self-spoiling selfish little punk. I was out from under my overbearing and abusive father's wing and acted like I was never allowed to act under his rule: Like a kid.

I have grown up alot since then. Not to the extent that I should have maybe, but regardless, I have matured. She says she wishes that I had changed back then. I did not possess the maturity and wisdom that I do now. I did not have the the insight and ability to change. Today is different.

I asked her why she would want to throw it away now, when this long and arduous project is finally about to bear fruit. I can't blame her for this: She says she is tired and it went too far. Her feelings are gone. I pointed out that she had said the same thing to me ten years ago and her feelings returned. She claims now that they never actually did. That once more, she simply decided to keep the peace. Our kids were young and she wanted them to have a family.

Ouch.

I lived the last ten years with her. I don't believe all of that. I experienced her passion and love for me.

Fact is, I wasted it. I should have been handling her heart like a fragile, priceless treasure and didn't. If I ever get it back in my hand, I will.

I am a natural born hard-ass. I went from a physically and mentally abusive dad to the Army. It was ingrained in me from birth until my late twenties. I viewed emotional reactions as excuses and weakness. I never struck out physically, but mentally I did. Most of the time, I never realized I was doing it.

I suppose that now I have a price to pay and the stakes are very heavy.

More and more I am understanding the error of my ways. I have no other option other than to let go and hope for the best.

Unfortunately, I think the worst is inevitable. As soon as she is prepared enough, I am almost sure it is over.

[Grace_O]

MD,

What you think, you create. I know at times I think it's hopeless too. I wear a nice thick rubber band on my wrist for just such an occasion. SNAP!

Keep in mind she's re-writing and looking at your history through s&!t colored glasses. Sadly there's nothing you can do about it. Didn't we all make mistakes and miscommunicate, she still has/had a responsibility to you and your family.

Do let her/it go and detach as best you can. Understanding yourself is alot to get out of this mess you know.....

[always_14]

MD -

You read around here that many others say the same thing...."I have felt this way for a long time, but stayed to keep the peace and am finally living for myself."

You hear it so often, is it MLC speak? Or truth?

Like everything else MLC, some of the things have a little truth in it.

Yes, you could have been different. Regardless of your background and how that made you act, it hurt her nonetheless....that is that.

But, what is now is now.

And, for a person who was unhappy for 10 years and is now finding their best selves, they usually don't do it with a heavy dose of dysfunctional destruction.

I'm not saying that this isn't her purpose of the "quest"....but, we're not talking the Oprah show or Joel Osteen in living your best life, finding your true self, being authentic.

Not, that's not the "approach" with MLC.

Possibly the same goal, very loosely, but not sane, rational and healthy.

Here's the other twists of MLC that I see as different than just wanting more out of life and walking away in yoru best interest:
* Changing your own personal value systems. I saw my H lose a lot of his personal value systems that meant a lot to him his entire life (money, work integrity, his schedule, lifestyle)
* Doing things that have nothign to do with your M, and wrecking your life in ways outside of the M. My H drained himself financially, not my doing and nothing to do with our M. He ruined his reputation, suffered from depression, thought he was seeing things, and was wreckless in so many ways. THis had nothing to do with teh "stranglehold" of our M....and yet he was so destructive to himself.

[Jeanette1120]

I have grown up alot since then. Not to the extent that I should have maybe, but regardless, I have matured. She says she wishes that I had changed back then. I did not possess the maturity and wisdom that I do now. I did not have the the insight and ability to change. Today is different.

Fact is, I wasted it. I should have been handling her heart like a fragile, priceless treasure and didn't. If I ever get it back in my hand, I will.

I suppose that now I have a price to pay and the stakes are very heavy.

More and more I am understanding the error of my ways. I have no other option other than to let go and hope for the best.

Unfortunately, I think the worst is inevitable. As soon as she is prepared enough, I am almost sure it is over.

First of all Puppy....it's never over.

We have all had prices to pay. HUGE ONES. But for that price....are you not a better person? Have you not grown? Realized more about yourself and your actions that ever? I think so....now you posses that wisdom and maturity.

I have and always will thank my H for giving me the opportunity to grow. However, on the downside, he may never see it. But like you...we have to remember that their journey is not about us. I heard the exact same things from my H. Although I am not usually a hard ass by nature.......I am very stubborn!

Remember.....she will do what she wants right now. But...you've grown, matured and are a different man now. She will see it eventually. Don't stop making those wonderful changes in yourself.

Your a good man.....

Jeanette

[MoonDog]

I know, folks.

Deep down, I can't help but think she still loves me. I am hopeful that she is till hanging on to see if there is real, permanent change in me. There is, and will continue to be. She keeps asking me how I know it will be for good.

I can only reply that time will tell. That if she doesn't give it time, she will never know.

Letting go is a bear. Tonight for instance, when she is out with a friend, I'll feel tortured, wondering what she is up to. After all, it was only a month ago that I caught her with the OM. She said I could tag along if I wanted to, but I really don't see any good in that.

I have told her that I do not expect her presence 24/7, but I would appreciate her accountability. She says this makes her feel trapped. I reminded her that there is a trust issue that whether she likes it or not, will be there for quite a while.

The sex thing is really stinging me right now. She says I haven't made love to her since I got out of basic training. That was twenty-one years ago. I guess I have been putting myself on, right? This is one more thing I don't really believe, but it is what she thinks that counts at this point.

Regardless of what she tells me, I still think there is something there. After we talked, she seemed to be in a lighter mood toward me. I guess I just need to reinforce the words I speak with actions and keep her reassured that I am not acting.

It just feels like a dead-end at this point. Miracles happen, but they are rare and random. I have been short-changed on them my whole life, so why would that change now?

[Jeanette1120]

Jesus Puppy....I wish I could get my husband to read your thread. Here he says he can never trust me cuz I flirted with a bartender once....earlier that day he told me he wanted a divorce. I was just trying to get his attention. I've always tried to get his attention.

He's even told me he couldn't sleep with me, knowing that I flirted with someone. Which I didn't.....we were just having a animated conversation while he played pool with Teddie.

Like I said....your a good man. You must love your wife dearly to forgive her for the OM.

I don't get it......I'm getting pissed just thinking about this. Then his OW had the nerve to tell me I never loved my H.

Hang in there Puppy

[MoonDog]

On the self-discovery thing. I tell her that I believe she should pursue herself and grow. I just don't believe that you should throw away your marriage over it.

I emphasize that there is always the divorce option, but when it's over, it's over. Right now, we have our one opportunity to make it work.

She says that's untrue, that there is always the option to reunite. My reply was that there is no chance, that I will not come back for a re-run.

How could I chance all of this again? That's insane!

[MoonDog]

Weird, isn't it Jeanette! She does the deed and has trust issues with ME! Not feeling safe, etc...

Fact is, I beat the guy senseless because I saw him working her for a year and told him, as my "friend", to back the hell off. He claimed he did, then "Wham bam, thank you ma'am." there he was.

Oh yeah, and there's that "Rescuing" part of my psyche. Unknowingly, that's what I was doing that night.

I'll tell you, he injured her. She was nowhere near this point until he stepped in. She has had the equivalent of a brain-washing by this low-life. Now she is damaged deeply. She feels confusion that she never had prior to this. As angry as I am at her for this circus act, I am enraged at him for doing his part. He knew where the weakness was and preyed on it. She and I could have pulled through much easier without the complication he provided.