Still Pushing That @#$%ed Rock!

[MoonDog]

I have to agree. She is bringing up stuff that happened when we were high school sweethearts. And things that happened when we were first married.

I was a kid then. A self-spoiling selfish little punk. I was out from under my overbearing and abusive father's wing and acted like I was never allowed to act under his rule: Like a kid.

I have grown up alot since then. Not to the extent that I should have maybe, but regardless, I have matured. She says she wishes that I had changed back then. I did not possess the maturity and wisdom that I do now. I did not have the the insight and ability to change. Today is different.

I asked her why she would want to throw it away now, when this long and arduous project is finally about to bear fruit. I can't blame her for this: She says she is tired and it went too far. Her feelings are gone. I pointed out that she had said the same thing to me ten years ago and her feelings returned. She claims now that they never actually did. That once more, she simply decided to keep the peace. Our kids were young and she wanted them to have a family.

Ouch.

I lived the last ten years with her. I don't believe all of that. I experienced her passion and love for me.

Fact is, I wasted it. I should have been handling her heart like a fragile, priceless treasure and didn't. If I ever get it back in my hand, I will.

I am a natural born hard-ass. I went from a physically and mentally abusive dad to the Army. It was ingrained in me from birth until my late twenties. I viewed emotional reactions as excuses and weakness. I never struck out physically, but mentally I did. Most of the time, I never realized I was doing it.

I suppose that now I have a price to pay and the stakes are very heavy.

More and more I am understanding the error of my ways. I have no other option other than to let go and hope for the best.

Unfortunately, I think the worst is inevitable. As soon as she is prepared enough, I am almost sure it is over.