And Cobra, I did get pissed at my shrink this time. After my little drama fit, I say, "so what do I do?" And he looks at me with his gentle blue eyes, he smiles at me, and he says in a very caring voice, "you do your best with what you've got to work with, and you try again." He cracks some wise-ass joke to take the reality and sting from his truthful comment, to help me laugh at myself, and give me courage to get over my own despondency.
He doesn't judge me. He doesn't remind me of the own actions I've taken that have gotten me to this point. For BLAME, whether it belongs with me or someone else, is not relevant. He helps me to let go of blame (as Mrs. Cac is trying to do), acknowledge the hurt... help me accept it, so I can move on.
And every step of the way, it hurts like he!!.
I played tennis in high school and I would work really hard at learning a new stroke or a new serve. I could tell when I was doing something wrong and would work and work at it, literally for hours, trying to incorporate the “feel” of the stroke into my body so that it became automatic and reactionary. Only at such a point could it become a useful tool for me in a tournament.
That’s when I realized my way of learning was different from others. I was trying to instinctively learn something, but my mind worked in a more analytical way. I had to break it down and dissect it before I could “get” it. Even then, my body could not “feel” the stroke. That took time.
What I found was that I should work hard on the new stroke, go through the drills and training, but hold no expectations that I would “get” it. Then lay off a day or two. When I came back, my body would somehow have incorporated the “feel.” After a little more of this, I would have the stroke down and I could visualize making the shot, imagine how it would “feel” and how the shot would react off my racket. That is when I “got” it.
It took me some time to figure this out. Before I did I would get very frustrated and angry that I couldn’t make the shot, that it seemed completely out of control, and getting “hold” of it was continually elusive, but just out of my reach. The harder I tried the less success I had. So my comfort now comes from knowing that mo matter what I try, I know that I CAN do it, I just need to give myself time to “incorporate” the feel.
The most recent task was to learn the jumping spinning hook kick in TKD, the last kick we need for black belt. This thing is TOUGH! I could not envision how it was supposed to feel, so how I was supposed to jump and turn and kick spinning backward, striking with my heel at head height, with enough power to break a board? But I finally got it, and once I did, I have been able to make it fairly fluid. Without doubt the hardest kick I have ever had to learn.
But as before, I know I just have to keep working at it and be patient. I have to wait for my body to tell me that it “got” it. Being impatient only sets off OCD-like symptoms – it generates anger, anxiety, obsession, etc which only works against the process. So yeah, I agree with your shrink. Keep working at it but chill out. It isn’t “time” yet.
