Your marriage can not be healed as long as your husband is an addict. So long as you don't realize the truth in the previous statement, you will be caught in a circle, always chasing your tail.
Trust me, your not going to hurt me... I think i am numb already. I do appreciate your input and I am always open to suggestions, so if you have them, don't hesitate to tell me. Please do suggest a strategy... I'm all ears, the only thing I hear from family (both sides) and friends are run, run as fast as you can and get rid of him!
I just feel like I have tried everything and it's either his way or the highway. The highway does not look or feel good to me right now, not that this does cause' it doesn't, it hurts. I look at hus phone bill and it makes me literally sick to my stomach!
When you say addicted, are you talking about OW, alcohol, or sex? Personally he has all three addictions.
I know this and have told it to my H. I do feel like I am caught up in a vicious circle for way too long. I am spinning wheels and chasing my tail.
Not that I would do it, but how would cheating on my H make things worse in what way, I don't even think he'd notice. He barely notices my now even though I am treating him very very well now and doing all the DBusting. Gee, I wonder if that would be ok with him... since it's ok for him to do it? I think it would be my own guilt that would get me in the end.
God Bless you and yours, too. Thanks, again and thanks & God Bless you too, Cadesmom
Quote: ------------------------------------------------------------ When you say addicted, are you talking about OW, alcohol, or sex? Personally he has all three addictions. ------------------------------------------------------------
Alcohol - chemical addiction.
You are right that the other two cause similar problems, but a chemical addiction really prevents him from growing emotionally, something that will have to happen in order for him to get past the place he is stuck in.
You are in the circle with him. The sooner you understand that, and decide to remove yourself from the drama, the sooner your life will begin to improve.
Quote: ------------------------------------------------------------- Not that I would do it, but how would cheating on my H make things worse in what way, I don't even think he'd notice. He barely notices my now even though I am treating him very very well now and doing all the DBusting. Gee, I wonder if that would be ok with him... since it's ok for him to do it? I think it would be my own guilt that would get me in the end. -------------------------------------------------------------
You are correct, your own guilt would create a huge barrier to your ability to become a fixture of strength in your relationship.
Becoming a fixture of strength in your relationship is the very thing you must do, for your family's sake. That means that you become the rock unmoved by the ocean of drama surrounding you. That means you step out of the drama.
You can't control your husband by appealing to him. He is simply not capable of normal human interactions in his current state. Literally, suffering from a chemical addiction renders his brain operating in a different way from a normal person. That is why I have told you that normal methodology for dealing with affairs or midlife crisis doesn't apply.
There is a book that you should read. It has the answer to your dilemma. It is "Love must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
You are right about not growing emotionally, he has been drinking for over 15 years and I do feel I am dealing with a regressing mind all the time.
I also agree with you about the drama... drama... drama... he used to tell me I cause so much drama, but it is him and I have told him that recently. The OW is also an alcoholic and quadrupals the drama...
Quote: Becoming a fixture of strength in your relationship is the very thing you must do, for your family's sake. That means that you become the rock unmoved by the ocean of drama surrounding you. That means you step out of the drama. _____________________________________________
Ok, how do I do the above? I thought I was doing pretty good with that. I would love to get away from all the BS drama they both cause!
Quote: You can't control your husband by appealing to him. _______________________________
I am finding this out the hard way I think... I thought when he came back, I am going to be everything and more she is to him and be so good and I am killing myself doing it with my job, I work everyday and I have 3 children, which I feel like a single mom anyway... but NOTHING changed, maybe for one week, but then right back to what he was doing before and I am still killing myself????????????? It's like I am not good enough and I will never be.???????????? UggggGGHHHH!
I did just recently read that book, twice, that's how I thought I pulled stuff out of the book that I tried that brought him home, but now what???????
Are you saying I give him an ultimatum again? He will tell me to go ##%#%#% myself and he will go to her more. That is a fact. I almost feel life telling him what he is back to doing now is the reason I filed for divorce before but I don't think I should even mention that word.
I did ask him about 2 weeks ago if he keeps doing the same things he did last time does he think he is going to get different result or the same result? When I say anything he gets so defensive and starts huffing and puffing and shows clearly he does not want me to say anything and gets nasty, too... he has me trained well... he can do whatever he wants and I can't say anything.
Quote: --------------------------------- So now what? ---------------------------------
You stop trying to control him, and you open the cage door.
Then you set boundaries like I mentioned in a previous post,
I am not telling you to be a doormat, quite the opposite in fact.
Give up on making a normal husband of him in his current condition, and concentrate on getting him help with his addiction. If he refuses help, then you have some hard choices to make, and you already know what they are. I am not telling you anything that you don't already know.
The question you have to ask yourself is a simple one. How long am I willing to run in circles before I face up to the facts and act on them? Another week? Month? Year?
What is all this doing to your children?
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
My H had to stop in 1995 for one year and had to go to AA and Anger management because of a pysical abuse charge on me. He went right back to it the day his probation was over. He loves it and does not see it as a problem. He drinks everyday, now. He goes out just about every day, he rarely comes home after work.
That's why he was fired from his job last year, they set up a outpatient clinic for him to go to, paid, it was mandatory, and he refused, he was fired. He said they can't tell him what to do and he doesn't have a problem.... so he is not going to stop, he lost his job over it and he would lose his family over it, too without blinking twice and I know people tell me then what the he** are you doing with him anyways he doesn't care.
For me, I am reading alot of books. My two older children 16 and 15 do not like him or respect him, can't stand him actually and they know exactly what is going on. My youngest, 3 just adores him even though he hardly sees him or plays with him.
Cissy, YOu know that he has to hit rock bottom before he quits drinking, don't you? Obviously, losing a job didn't quite do it. I hate to think of what will... They say step one of getting over your addiction is to admit that you have a problem. He's not even to step one yet.
Nopkins is right.. you cannot even begin to build your R until he stops his drinking.. I am so sorry you are in this situation.
Facing the truth is a hard thing for any of us to do, especially when the truth is full of pain.
I am truly sorry for your pain.
God bless,
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Thanks, guys. Got caught snooping, not a good feeling, think I will stop that, too. See, I feel so guilty just from snooping... how can all these people cheat and lie, deceive amongst other things and sleep at night and look at themselves in the mirror, for myself, I will never understand it.
I'll muddle through... think I will concentrate on doing things that make me feel good and fix up my house. At least that will keep me busy and I can forget about at least for a little while.
Cissy wrote: ----------------------------------------------- Got caught snooping, not a good feeling, think I will stop that, too. See, I feel so guilty just from snooping... how can all these people cheat and lie, deceive amongst other things and sleep at night and look at themselves in the mirror, for myself, I will never understand it. -----------------------------------------------
I wouldn't worry about getting caught snooping. I snoop my bank accounts every month making sure that the bank hasn't misplaced my money. I would never assume that they have my best interest at heart. Video cameras are everywhere, snooping to catch thieves in the act. You are just protecting you interests, which happens to be your family. Trust me, if someone where physically threatening my family, I would be sitting on the porch every night, in the dark, with a loaded shotgun. I would also expect the police to be providing surveillance (snooping) of my family just in case the perp shows up.
I think people have misplaced guilt when it comes to "snooping", so give yourself a break.
I do think that you might as well stop snooping on him now that you know he is guilty. If the issue comes up, just assume that he is cheating until he proves otherwise. Let the burden of proof be his problem. Until then, believe nothing he says.
Fixing up the house sounds like a great idea. Have fun!
God bless, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
