Yes, you are ticked with his actions (rightfully or wrongfully so) and figure he should put on his "big boy pants" but are you any better by refusing to act grown up yourself? Come on, try and one-up him by showing him you are more mature, more grown up and have a little more pride than allowing him to get to you like that. You are giving him exactly what he wants to be able to say "no matter how much I try, you are never happy" and the way you are acting now really screams that.
Do you really think he is going to want to do anything to please you if you continue to act like you are now. I know I sure wouldn't want to. We all have to show unconditional love (a heck of a lot easier said than done, I know) but we have to be the ones that show them how its done. I don't know how many times I wanted to throw in the towel. Now I am getting comments from my H like "thanks for being by myside" - do you know how good that makes me feel? Is it like that all the time? Hell no! Do I still feel like throwing in the towel sometimes? You betcha! But I try to think of the good times (which are still way less than the bad - but they are catching up) and put them aside just for a little while. It gets easier, really it does
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Yeah, yeah, that's what the MC said. But STILL...I mean, COME ON. I've changed. I've risked TONS....so now it's his darn turn. I'm tired of having all the responsibility here. Put on your big boy pants! He'll never know if he doesn't try.
I get you there, SD. I really do. Sometimes I get so frustrated, waiting for W to recommit in some obvious way. You know, I can still count the ILY's I've gotten since she "came back" on one hand. And I still don't dole them out much myself - because I don't want to ever hear her say ILY as an automatic, unfelt response to my own ILY again. I'll wait for it to be genuine - but I agree, COME ON.
I hoped that Piecing would be more about leaps and bounds forward than continuing the occasional baby steps. But, it is what it is. I do see baby steps - lots of them, really.
I have to think, from what you've said, that you are seeing some too. Not as many as you would like, not as frequent as you would like, but... they are there, aren't they?
Originally Posted By: SDFoundGirl
Well hell, I KNOW that. I know it's crazy, I know it's stupid. I see it as proof I'm not over that whole issue...and H can't figure out why I'm not. He's still got trust to earn back. I'm trying...but his behavior lately has just sent up some flags for me.
I know you know! And you just about said it yourself - this is more about your lingering issues than about him. I'll say it again - his behavior did change in this instance. He didn't bottle up his anger forever, just long enough to have a nice vacation with you and then come back to discuss it later. I'll bet he thought that WAS an improvement! Unfortunately, it wasn't the improvement that you wanted to see - but don't give him zero credit. Give him "half credit".
Possibly right now, he's thinking he'll never satisfy you, because even when he tries he ends up pissing you off. Could be?
Originally Posted By: SDFoundGirl
I'll give it a few days and try to post the good stuff. Honestly, right now I just don't want to. I'm tired and annoyed. It's his turn to worry, his turn to pursue me. I want more.
SD
Take your time, sweetie. You DO deserve more. MUCH more. We all do. I think it'll come, if you let it. ((((SD))))
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Hey SD... Just wanted to stop by and offer virtual hugs!!! Don't have any funny quips or great advice for you. Just support and validation. Take care of yourself. Be good to yourself. You deserve the best!! Enjoy your weekend, hope you can find something nice to do for yourself! (I found a great place for a brazilian while i was there if that floats your boat!)
OK SD - this is NORMAL!!!! Believe me I have been through this stage.
A couple of things - he kept being angry with you from you until MC - but at least he told you!!! I agree with Rob in that he was probably just making sure the trip went well.
LW calling him at 1.30 AM - possible reason could be that her phone was in her back and his number got hit by accident.
I will post some more later ... I am not feeling well right now (self inflicted) but believe me what you are feeling I've been through
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
I have radar, GOOD radar. I told you guys I felt something wasn't right...and I just found out I was right.
H sat here this AM and told me a big, fat lie. He told me he had an evening staff meeting on Tuesday that would run late. He left his calendar up when he went to take a shower just now, and I was looking for our next MC date (he's the one who keeps track of that stuff). Next Tuesday he has in big, bold letters, "Movie in _______ with ______!!" Not LW, but I'm guessing she'll be there if he's lying to me about it. WHY LIE?????
He's hiding things from me again, lying his @ss off. I'm putting the 48 hours into effect, but if he's lying to me about this, then he's lying to me about a lot more, namely his feelings about LW. And I'm freaking DONE with him. I won't do this again, no way, now how.
I just want to punch him in the face. I'm going to go get myself cleaned up and get out of the house for the rest of the day. I'm not good at pretending, and I'm not ready for this conversation right now.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
OMG SD - I AM sorry to hear this but glad you're using the 48 hour rule. remember there could be several explainations ... I hope this isn't the worst. Keep YOU focus on YOU... I can understand how you feel that if it is the worst and he has been lying how you wont' go through this again. I told H somethign similar (that if he walked again I would let him go 100%, that I couldn't do the whole DB thing twice).
(((((((SD))))))) take care of yourself. I know you will come through this and please keep in touch with us all here. My email if you want it is jenjamhelp@yahoo.co.uk (not the real one, it's a front end one I can hand out on websites).
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
Aw, SD, I'm so sorry to hear that. I agree with you that the 48 hour rule is a good one to follow right now.
I understand how you feel, and I don't blame you a bit. But Jen is right - you don't know all the facts right now. It looks bad, but you just don't know for sure what is up.
Take care of you right now. Go hang with some good friends, have some sushi and a glass or two of excellent wine. Get back to that place where you can deal with this from a detached, calm position, not one of boiling emotions.
You can email me directly too if you would like. herman06@email.franklin.edu works for now (my school address).
Hang in there. Many, MANY hugs!!! (((((((SD)))))))
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Ahhh...the lies...I am still dealing with some too...it is about trust...but not just on our part...granted, your H could be up to something no good but then again he might not be but might feel that you wouldn't trust him, or would be upset about his plans for whatever reason...
My H told me people lie for a reason...not to get in trouble, not to hurt someone else, to avoid conflict...my H's lies generally involve money...lately I discovered a 15K lie that he had repeatedly told me was not what I thought it was...but that is another story...H did have OW for a time and of course there were tons of lies there too...Now that he is back the lies have been mostly to avoid conflict...he doesn't trust me with his feelings yet...he doesn't feel safe yet...we are really working on this because until he does it will continue to create insecurity and distrust with me as well...
What I am trying to say is after you can calm down, talk rationally, and be reasonable...before Tuesday though...tell him honestly what you discovered and ask him to be honest...you can take it...if he can't be honest then he isn't really ready to be home...and I know that hurts after all you have been through...believe me we have had a few of those moments here...and one lately...it isn't easy once you get back together...in fact I think it is harder in many ways...
I can also tell you that you mention he might still have feelings for LW (not sure what that stands for but am assuming it is "her")...I will also tell you that my H had feelings for his OW for a long time...it is only natural...you don't just stop loving/caring/lusting for someone that you have shared intimacies with easily...it won't happen overnight...in fact my H didn't come home to me for over a year after they broke things off...and I heard from his sister that he was still grieving for her almost a year later!!!...but the thing is as we all have said...love is a choice...if he is choosing to love you...then give him time to get there...he didn't stop loving you overnight to be with LW...he won't stop his feelings for LW overnight to be with you....I know how unfair this sounds but when we deal with feelings there isn't much else we can do...
My heart is with you...I hope for the best even if it takes some tears and hurt to get there...take care
I just want to say BIG HUGS to you sweetie. I am glad you are getting yourself out of the house. We all regret when we react when our emotions are high. It always accomplishes more if we can face it after thought and reflection and we've been able to find some calm. You can do this SD. I have confidence in you to do what is right for you and what is true to you.
Dana
Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. -Marcus Aurelius
And you just about said it yourself - this is more about your lingering issues than about him. I'll say it again - his behavior did change in this instance. He didn't bottle up his anger forever, just long enough to have a nice vacation with you and then come back to discuss it later. I'll bet he thought that WAS an improvement! Unfortunately, it wasn't the improvement that you wanted to see - but don't give him zero credit. Give him "half credit".