You know, we all talk about boundaries, defense mechanisms and differentiation like we are discussing last night's baseball game. And it certainly does help to do post-game analysis.
But the fact is... all those things are exceedingly hard things to put in place and live by. Especially when you set a boundary that runs in direct conflict with a defense mechanims you might not even know is there.
It is incredibly hard to undo engrained behaviors... especially ones you naturally put in place to PROTECT yourself. That is exactly why it is there. It pre-empts rational thought to SAVE you. You look at professional sports players... all the great ones, the truly great ones... are players who do not THINK... they just act/react.
And while that is wonderful for them in their 'game' life... it is an entirely different thing in the real world, for real people.
Seriously, turn your stove on to its highest setting. When it is red hot, take your hand and place it on the burner. Try doing this, really.
In the act of doing it, you will understand, literally, what I am talking about. You won't be able to do it.
Now... in real life, this is a good defense mechanism. You don't want to go around burning yourself. It is in place to protect your body.
But the mind does not make any distinction between good or bad defense mechanisms. They just ARE.
So, like Ms. Cac, when you come up against one you KNOW is not good for you, it will take TIME to work through it, and you do it gradually, or the defense mechanism itself will shut down the entire process.
So while I understand, rationally, the points you are making... again, it is easy to discuss and disect it when you are not the one actually having to undo it.
But I have been the one having to undo it. And I'm still working on it, but applying present-day insights to past experiences has gotten me part of the way there. I'm not just throwing this stuff out there to hear myself talk, or to rag on anyone else. I don't mean to imply that any of this stuff is, or should be, easy. It's not.
Nothing I've done has gotten rid of all my fears and anxieties for good, but I've at least gotten a measure of confidence that they can be gotten rid of, that there are perfectly logical reasons for these fears to exist (i.e., I'm not congenitally messed up in the head... or not all that much) but that there is, in reality, nothing to be afraid of, and that I'll eventually reach the point where I'm not afraid anymore. And that confidence slowly builds on itself. I may not be where I need to be, but I don't despair anymore that I'll never get there and I feel confident that I'll eventually be the man I should have been years ago.
I'm sorry if I gave anyone the wrong impression. I'm sorry if anyone tried this and found it not to work. I did not mean to give offense or make light of anyone's situation. I still don't think I explained myself 100% clearly and precisely. I will stop now and think on this some more and read what you have to say, and hopefully see what I'm missing.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
