Could Use Some Input Over here

[Martelo]

34- I guess what I would like to know is. If your husband had communicated more effectively his feelings of rejection to you, would you be as motivated as you are now or is your motivation contingent upon the possibility of divorce or other threats to stability.

[FijiOrBust]

So, I'm not allowing myself to "think" too much b/c we all know that leads to nothing but negativity sometimes.

I hope some of the inquiries above are not causing you to think too much right now! It sounds like you've made amazing progress, and I'm so glad things are looking up as your husband prepares to for his deployment. You should be proud of what you've done, however it is you've been able to do it. I'm sure there is more for you to learn from your situation and possibly share with the rest of us, but I'd be happy to wait until a better time for introspection. Enjoy the two weeks you have left, continuing to make progress on you and your situation.

I have just a little to offer from my current situation, if its of any possible use. In my experience, anti-depressents can have a big effect on male "performance" (delaying or preventing the final event), and the level of desire and quickness/openess to being aroused. Effexor significantly had that peculiar delay effect for me, whereas Lexapro and a couple of others have not. The length of time since taking my last dose seems to factor in on the other effects mentioned. If it's almost time for the next day's dose, then the effect seems less; I miss a dose, or two, things seem more normal (e.g., like before being prescribed the SSRIs).

For me, my wife's LD affected me at a couple of levels, but it was never at all just about "sex". It seemed (and seems) that I'm not important enough to her for her to care to meet my needs in that way. Just a little attention in that department from her would feel so emotionally satisfying. It would melt away so much stress I feel in our relationship. I crave that feeling often -- the feeling closer to her that sex brings, the feeling of being loved by her -- but seldom do I crave sex as an end in itself (at least not so much since starting the SSRIs). It's the gift that only she can give me that I long for.

What does that possibly have to do with your situation? What I'm trying to get at is, it wouldn't suprise me if (1) having clearly worn him out physically in the best possible ways (!); and, (2) having done the other things you've been doing to make your marriage and relationship work better, especially in the face of a deployment-imposed separation -- maybe your husband is actually feeling loved by you. Maybe what you've been doing has been really working. Maybe he has been thinking you understand that (thus, his look of suprise, the other day). Maybe there is no need to worry about him seeming content just to hold you and fall asleep, instead of ML. Maybe he's been sleeping very well, close(r) to you.

I also wouldn't be surprised if he would rather talk more about your relationship, where its at, before he leaves -- more than what you think. Maybe a good question to ask is if he feels loved by you. Of course, I could be wrong (and projecting my own situation/needs into this. So please be careful if you give this any consideration.

Thanks for giving me some hope by sharing your progress. I wish you, your husband, relationship, and family all the best!

[RedHeadWife]

I really can't answer that. I don't know the answer to that. He seems to think he 'tried' to discuss things w/ me more than I think he did, however, I guess that's here nor there. I did, mostly, get angry or defensive when he did try to talk to me about things. I think that's going back to CE's talk about his W getting "frustrated w/ him & the kids" but not doing anything about it. I was stressed, unhappy, frustrated, but I guess maybe I didn't know what I should do to fix that. I also know that I had gotten to the point where I didn't like H very much; maybe blaming him for my feelings of not being happy w/ where I was -- i.e. not knowing who I was anymore, just feeling like I am "mom," etc.

I do, however, think he should have communicated more effectively or thoroughly just how very unhappy he was and his feelings of rejection, etc. a lot earlier and maybe things would have changed. I don't necessarily think he needed to get to the D point before things would change. However, at the same time, I never thought D was an option, so maybe at the time I wouldn't have realized that the fact that he was so unhappy could lead to D. I don't know if I'm making any sense.

I would, however, (if you are in somewhat of the same sitch as my M was some time ago), try to talk to your W and tell her how very serious your feelings are. You don't necessarily need to threaten D right now, but you do need to make sure you get the point across as to how serious it is that changes be made.

[Martelo]

"I don't know if I'm making any sense."
You make perfect sense. I know its almost
imposible to look back and answear the question
thanks for trying to do so, I appreciate your openess.

[RedHeadWife]

Thank you for your input, Fiji! Insight from others is always a blessing! Sometimes things aren't so clear when you on are on the inside.

I guess the only other thing that has come to light in the midst of my "musings" last night was about H's neediness/lonliness in deployments -- I guess that's one of the reasons he has had A's during past deployments and I guess I'm just praying that I have loved him enough and showed him how much I love him and our M means to me despite past shortcomings on my part, will allow him to make the right choices in that area during this next deployment.

Not going to dwell on that though

[RedHeadWife]

Hey guys. Put some of this over in another thread, but here's an update on my sitch.

Kind of flubbed up a little Friday evening about OW/EA. Made a snide remark about his cell phone after it rang & he said it was work. All this time, I've thought his "friend" was a woman he worked w/. I said I know she still calls you. He said yeah, so & so and so & so call me from work, but I don't work w/ my friend. (where in the heck did he meet her then?? Decided to let that one go!!) Anyway, he said that his "friend" "has been taken care of."

So, this weekend has been good. I've done a lot of healing. I've decided I don't care where he knew her from, I am just going to trust that she is no longer an issue. I have decided that my H now feels loved & cared for by me, his W, and that should be enough. I feel that I have made so many changes in my thought patterns about our R and M, that I don't need to worry that we will ever go back to the rut of an M we had. He is the one that is going to make good "choices" while he's gone and I feel I have done above & beyond to help him know that what he has w/ me is awesome and nothing is worth hurting that again by cheating again.

And, of course this may be talking big, but I've also gotten to the point where I am more self-assured and confident in our M and if he chooses to cheat again, I don't think I will be able to forgive. Like I said, what we have going right now is awesome and if that's not enough, then nothing will ever be enough and there is nothing more I could or can do.

I am not, however, dwelling on the negative. I know that I am doing everything I can to keep our M healthy and my H to feel secure, loved, taken care of, etc. in our M.

And I must say it feels good. I am happier than I have been in a long, long time. I could probably use a little more "feeling loved" from my H, but I just don't know that he's there yet (ready to let it all hang out) and as long as I know he is feeling loved by me, that's enough for now.

And, yes, I have learned through all of this how very important a good sex life is to a M as well. This was something I was totally missing before, but now realize how important it is to our intimacy, etc. and that it is good for ME too, not just my H.

[Greeneyedlass]

cadesmom,

People meet via the internet all the time, it's a very common way for affairs to begin now. Once they start "meeting up" is only a matter of planning.

Sounds like you are making some good progress.

GEL

[RedHeadWife]

Hey, guys. Well, he left for his year deployment on Tues. With all that has happened, I am actually glad and more prepared that it did.

I will handle this deployment much differently than before when he ended up having A's. I now know how home sick he gets and how hard it is for HIM to be away. I will not trouble him w/ how hard it may be for ME to be here at home taking care of 3 small boys, work, etc. I will just support him all I can. I have already sent cards that should be there before he got there.

I'm not so concerned that he will have an A over there. I am still a bit nervous that he may be still talking to OW/EA via phone or email while he's there, but I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt and myself the benefit of the doubt that I set the stage well enough that when he left and I saw the love shining in his eyes FOR ME that it was for real and that all will be ok. I just pray that he continues to remember all this and will make good "choices" while he's there.

Thanks for all the support through these hard times!

[RedHeadWife]

Ok, guys, I know I probably should put this over in infidelity, etc., but like I've said before, I like you all over here.

As I said above, H has now left for his year deployment. He will be back for a month mid-tour.

Things were going so very well for us and I am trying to be very confident and positive about things.

I guess I just need either a kick in the a$$ from you all or just some ideas on how to continue dealing w/ the EA fall out. Of course, I still get a sick feeling in my stomach that he's emailing someone he shouldn't be. He told me his "friend" had been "taken care of," but the distrust and hurt still lingers. I also still have my doubts about the other girl that he worked with and any contact he may continue to have w/ her.

I guess I know what I have to do -- just stay positive, stay upbeat, continue to support him emotionally, sending cards, etc. I've now sold his truck which he failed to do before he left and I'm dealing w/ all of that. I'm now taking care of the water heater b/c the pilot light kept going out and he failed to take care of that. And I'm trying really hard not to be resentful of the things he really should/could have taken care of before he left and didn't.

I guess I just need a pick-me-up/kick in the rear/advice on "getting over" the sick feeling in my gut about the EA's. I guess I chose to stay and now I need to just deal w/ my emotions, huh?

[Crazy Eddie]

What does he mean by "taken care of"? Did he order a hit on her?

Most people end up leaving a few things undone when they have to go away somewhere. It's pretty normal... it doesn't mean he did it out of spite, and it doesn't mean he's a loser.

He'll either behave himself or he won't. If he's going to misbehave, you worrying about it isn't going to stop him. All you can do to discourage it is to be the better woman... be happy and upbeat and loving whenever you talk to him, and be a person that he'd rather talk to than any other woman. If he's crazy enough to choose someone else when you're doing that, at least you know how to keep a real man happy when you find one.

In the meantime, staying in your marriage trusting him and waiting for him costs you very little at this point - there's not really anything you can't do with yourself with him gone that you'd be able to do if you dumped him (well, unless there's some other single guy that you know you'd enjoy reaching out to if your marriage ended, and I don't get the sense that that's true in your case).