You know, we all talk about boundaries, defense mechanisms and differentiation like we are discussing last night's baseball game. And it certainly does help to do post-game analysis.
But the fact is... all those things are exceedingly hard things to put in place and live by. Especially when you set a boundary that runs in direct conflict with a defense mechanims you might not even know is there.
It is incredibly hard to undo engrained behaviors... especially ones you naturally put in place to PROTECT yourself. That is exactly why it is there. It pre-empts rational thought to SAVE you. You look at professional sports players... all the great ones, the truly great ones... are players who do not THINK... they just act/react.
And while that is wonderful for them in their 'game' life... it is an entirely different thing in the real world, for real people.
Seriously, turn your stove on to its highest setting. When it is red hot, take your hand and place it on the burner. Try doing this, really.
In the act of doing it, you will understand, literally, what I am talking about. You won't be able to do it.
Now... in real life, this is a good defense mechanism. You don't want to go around burning yourself. It is in place to protect your body.
But the mind does not make any distinction between good or bad defense mechanisms. They just ARE.
So, like Ms. Cac, when you come up against one you KNOW is not good for you, it will take TIME to work through it, and you do it gradually, or the defense mechanism itself will shut down the entire process.
So while I understand, rationally, the points you are making... again, it is easy to discuss and disect it when you are not the one actually having to undo it. And more than likely, it isn't just ONE you are undoing. We have multiple layers of DMs, learned over a life time. One can set off another. The WAY they get set off can differ from circumstance to circumstance, from person to person, how stressed you are... all kinds of things. And again, if you are not aware of them, you just ASSUME you are acting/reaction rationally and logically. It doesn't even cross your mind that you are doing anything BUT.
When you begin to contemplate this, you can see exactly HOW complex it can all get, and wonder how the he!! we humans manage to live in a semi-civil environment, ever.
I continue to run into these very issues myself when I talk to my shrink. In my own life, with the my own things, issues and recovery that I am dealing with... I am just OUT of patience. I'm DONE bouncing around. I'm sick of it.
My shrink just chuckles at me. He thinks it is highly humorous that I've run out of patience and have decided that my body/emotions/life baggage have hit MY deadline for healing. It just doesn't WORK that way. Quite honestly, my running of out patience just makes it worse.
And Cobra, I did get pissed at my shrink this time. After my little drama fit, I say, "so what do I do?" And he looks at me with his gentle blue eyes, he smiles at me, and he says in a very caring voice, "you do your best with what you've got to work with, and you try again." He cracks some wise-ass joke to take the reality and sting from his truthful comment, to help me laugh at myself, and give me courage to get over my own despondency.
He doesn't judge me. He doesn't remind me of the own actions I've taken that have gotten me to this point. For BLAME, whether it belongs with me or someone else, is not relevant. He helps me to let go of blame (as Mrs. Cac is trying to do), acknowledge the hurt... help me accept it, so I can move on.
