The darkness does not endure!

[BeingMe]

Thanks CL! I needed to hear this. We have been 'piecing' our M for almost 2 years, but it just never moves from the ' lets-work-on-it' stage to the 'I-am-really-comfortable-and-trusting' stage.

I am embarrassed to say that I really freaked out today. I phoned him at work to let him know some business stuff, and it all just came out. I had no intention of talking about our R (esp. on the phone at his work), since he had made it abundantly clear last night, by his actions, that he was not interested.

Anyway, what I got out of it is that he doesn't understand why I am so hurt. He thinks he is trying (I guess he is in a way, but on his terms). I just don't know where to go from here. As I was trying to explain to him and I was getting more and more frantic, I could hear his voice harden, and his attitude stiffen. He gets very offended when I tell him I can't trust him, and that I can't be sure what else he may've done, that I feel like I'm constantly on shaky ground where he is concerned. I just don't know why he would feel surprised that I would finally learn to not trust his word about anything. He get defensive and says things like, "I'm sorry I couldn't live up to your expectations, yadda yadda", in almost a sarcastic tone.

I started looking for a divorce attorney, just in case. I am going to have to learn to detach again. I am going to have to find a new C. I am going to have to find new friends, just so that I can get out of the house. I don't feel like doing all these things, but I know I will have to. My thoughts are all over the place, and I feel so out of control, and feel sick at the pit of my stomach. I'm going to have to take a little time to calm down, and rethink what I need to do - I'm just too emotional right now. You are right, CL, when you say I shouldn't make any decisions until I am stronger. I just have to find the strength for the sake of my D14.