Thanks CL! I needed to hear this. We have been 'piecing' our M for almost 2 years, but it just never moves from the ' lets-work-on-it' stage to the 'I-am-really-comfortable-and-trusting' stage.
I am embarrassed to say that I really freaked out today. I phoned him at work to let him know some business stuff, and it all just came out. I had no intention of talking about our R (esp. on the phone at his work), since he had made it abundantly clear last night, by his actions, that he was not interested.
Anyway, what I got out of it is that he doesn't understand why I am so hurt. He thinks he is trying (I guess he is in a way, but on his terms). I just don't know where to go from here. As I was trying to explain to him and I was getting more and more frantic, I could hear his voice harden, and his attitude stiffen. He gets very offended when I tell him I can't trust him, and that I can't be sure what else he may've done, that I feel like I'm constantly on shaky ground where he is concerned. I just don't know why he would feel surprised that I would finally learn to not trust his word about anything. He get defensive and says things like, "I'm sorry I couldn't live up to your expectations, yadda yadda", in almost a sarcastic tone.
I started looking for a divorce attorney, just in case. I am going to have to learn to detach again. I am going to have to find a new C. I am going to have to find new friends, just so that I can get out of the house. I don't feel like doing all these things, but I know I will have to. My thoughts are all over the place, and I feel so out of control, and feel sick at the pit of my stomach. I'm going to have to take a little time to calm down, and rethink what I need to do - I'm just too emotional right now. You are right, CL, when you say I shouldn't make any decisions until I am stronger. I just have to find the strength for the sake of my D14.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Thanks for the email--I really appreciate you giving me some of your time, especially when you're under so much pressure right now.
In reading your current sitch, it sounds SO MUCH like mine, in that I've been doing 99% of the work and H has seemed to just like it that way...ignoring the existence of the elephant in the room and enjoying the convenience and safety of his family at his leisure.
I know that I had to get to the point of being truly ready to call it quits--he tried to call my bluff, but it wasn't a bluff--for him to really see what he stands to lose. Maybe the full import of it hasn't hit him yet, maybe it has. Time will tell.
I'm not naive, I know we can and probably will backslide, but I also know that if this M doesn't work out, I will not only be okay, I will be in a better place. I have already and will continue to be blessed in and for my efforts. There is no doubt in my mind of that.
The thing I'm learning most through all this is that the only person who knows where this is going is Heavenly Father, and that if I can just keep my grip on the iron rod, I'll be where I'm supposed to be.
I sense the same strength and knowledge in you. Hang in there--you are doing the right thing, and you will know beyond the shadow of doubt when it is time for you to make your next stand.
Hang in there BeingMe. I know that you have given it quite a lot. Perhaps it's time to take some time away, by yourself, and get your thoughts together. Maybe some time away will give you some time to think where and when you will move next and what it will be. I would say make it a matter of P & F, first to get yourself to a right state of mind and then to guide you in your decision. Perhaps you and AUD31 should find a midway point and have a "girls summit". However this could be a time where you need to be alone to figure this out.
Sorry Aud31, I'm not up to speed on your sitch, if I get a chance I'll follow up with you later. If I have some good input I'll send it along. It amazes me how we get a good look at how our HF must get tired of waiting for us to turn it around, like we do for our H or W. IT'S ALL JUST A TEST!
I am trying to hang in there, Phoenix. But, it is so hard. I am feeling somewhat depressed today, and very disheartened. Flashbacks of the time during the EA keep coming back, playing through my head ... things that were said about me to OW ... the way he ended it and wanting to come back to me, but not because he loved me, but for the sake of his family (the children and I). I know, I know, I am heading for that obsessive spiral, and I am trying to stop the thoughts. I am trying desperately to detach, carry on with GAL, but I am finding it really, really hard.
I was doing so well, but starting to feel really resentful of his lack of action (btw, it seems our not ML is my fault because I didn't communicate to him at the proper time or in the proper manner my emotional need for more romance - go figure! However, he didn't bother to try and tell me that that is how he was feeling ... I have to just guess). I feel I am back to square one, with that awful feeling of dread, helplessness, despondency, disinterest in anything, sadness, unsafe ... just plain depressed.
The title of this thread is "the darkness does not endure", but I feel it can return, if one is not vigilant. I lost my focus, was not vigilant, and am not hopeful, at this time, that I can really do much about my M anymore. We talked about our R this whole weekend, and his responses are rather lacklustre, and did not give me the feeling of being reassured. A lot of things were said by both of us, some I regret as it was said from an emotional standpoint (for example, I asked how often he thought about the OW, and he said never, unless I bring it up - ugh, I felt so stupid). It's pretty much up to him now, and he won't be around much from next month, to do anything. I wish he could've been more active in winning back my trust, instead of taking it all for granted again.
Ugh! Sorry, this is such a long ramble again, but it does help to get it out. I hope to be in a more positive state tomorrow. I just have to figure what I'm going to do with my life if he's not in it on a permanent basis. I think once I figure that out, then maybe I will feel more in control of my own life (at least, part of it). I feel I have fallen into the trap of relying on him as my sole friend, and emotional focus, and I can't do that because he could do it all again, so I have to be prepared for the worst, but try and hope for the best. At this point, I can feel the emotional bonds tearing, and it's painful, as I desperately try again to detach, and move on with my life. Some goals I have come up with, other than what I have been doing (and have allowed to pretty much let slide in the last month):
Volunteer (probably something to do with the environment) Keep writing Take more courses at local college (I have been studying, but I find correspondence study very isolating and, consequently, difficult to handle) Paint Make new friends Reconnect with my authentic self, and find fulfilment without the need for my H being in my life I need to find my passion in life again.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Don't feel bad about the long write. I know I feel a lot of the same feeling you are expressing, but do not have your writing skills or the courage to "hang it out there". During the Saturday evening meeting I went to they spoke about M. One of the key points made during one presentation spoke of focusing on our own self spiritually and mentally. In other words, build yourself. I am making strides to improve both. I'll send some links to you that might help. Check your in box tonight or tomorrow.
Just wanted to pop in and let you know I'm thinking of you. I'm so sorry you're finding yourself in a low spot. I think your goals sound fabulous--how are you coming on them?
I am feeling somewhat better today - calmer. I think it's my H's upcoming working away from home that is getting to me. I had hoped we would be in a better place in our M before he starts to travel. Oh well, can't have everything. I told him that we should just see how the rest of the year goes, and then decide if we want to stay together. I feel like I am wimping out, but I can't put my D14 through all the garbage again. Not a huge sacrifice, since I have nowhere else to go anyway. I don't have the luxury of parents I can go to, or any other family, or even friends. And, I don't want to move my D14 to another city again (even if it's to one we lived in before). So, we see how the year goes. I have prayed for knowledge if anything is going on, and calmness if my H is being trustworthy. So, maybe my prayer is already answered, 'eh!
I must remember my goals, which will at least keep me busy, and my mind focused on other things.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I am feeling somewhat better today - calmer. I think it's my H's upcoming working away from home that is getting to me. I had hoped we would be in a better place in our M before he starts to travel. Oh well, can't have everything. I told him that we should just see how the rest of the year goes, and then decide if we want to stay together. I feel like I am wimping out, but I can't put my D14 through all the garbage again. Not a huge sacrifice, since I have nowhere else to go anyway. I don't have the luxury of parents I can go to, or any other family, or even friends. And, I don't want to move my D14 to another city again (even if it's to one we lived in before). So, we see how the year goes. I have prayed for knowledge if anything is going on, and calmness if my H is being trustworthy. So, maybe my prayer is already answered, 'eh!
I must remember my goals, which will at least keep me busy, and my mind focused on other things.
Thanks for checking in on me, Aud, and I know I can always rely on your input Phoenix. I will check my email today. Take care.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
BeingMe, It seems as though we are both being tested. I hope you find the strength and patience to continue to work on things for the rest of the year. I understand about the confrontation our S do not want to face, or the fact they feel they are doing their part to communicate and work on M. Even if things don't work out, you're not wimping out. You have been fighting the food fight. Try to stay positive.
My prayers are for piece to be with you. Try to work on your spiritual connection so that when those promptings come, you know what is being said. I'll try to get that email off to you this afternoon.
