Yeah, i was pretty pissed and it was a frustrated stupid statement. I do agree I am on the edge of my own MLC too. I have a lot of anger for the things that have happened and continue to happen. I know that. Sometimes we get backed into a corner and lash out. I did apologize to her for the statement and admitted it was stupid too. As for me working on myself...I am reading some stuff by the Dalai Lama on how to not hold anger. I am also working on my body with a daily workout and Tai Chi. My other hobbie is music and I am looking for a band to join/form. So basically Im trying to stay busy. I will look into see my counselor again though.
The only thing I do not understand in your post is the "what am I doing wrong?" I am a good father etc.
The only thing I do not understand in your post is the "what am I doing wrong?" I am a good father etc.
Sorry...I recognized the confusion when I rread it a few minutes back...that was me saying that you wer edoing nothing wrong in those things...showing how you are being SuperDad.
Definitely see a counselor. Books are great, but you need some help putting what you read into action...and going through your own personal issues and challenges that will arise as you try to put a books advice into action.
Its friday and Im feeling a little down. Most people get excited for the weekend but for me it the 2 hard days of the week. My W will be at work the whole time so I sit alone. ugh. I guess i woke up this morning just feeling lonely inside. Nothing has happened between us. No fight or anything. In fact the last talk we had was wednesday night and it was nice. She asked my advice on a work issue. I guess the thing that is deflating is the greetings we have. She comes home late and I greet her. THe greeting is always the same "hey" in a quiet I guess I need to acknowledge you voice. I ask how was your day and she gives short answers. I know she is tired and its late but shes just not happy at all. She is so depressed inside. Whether I am the reason or not doesnt matter. Shes just miserable. I would ask her to go to the doctor or therapist but it will be spun back on me. My honest concern will be taken as an insult. As i sit here typing all I can do is take deep breaths to avoid a panic attack. My pattern seems to be 3 days of determined positive thinking and then a crash on the 4th. I end up day dreaming about a happy life with someone else. No one in particular but just a loving woman who would appreciate my efforts. In fact im only writting this to show the emotions us spouses go through during our MLCers journey. Maybe Im headed toward my own downward spiral? Who knows? I do think that by recognising my unhappiness that its not a true MLC. If anything its the result of just being fed up and tired inside. its been 4 years of crap from an affair, divorce court, reconciliation, failed relationship again. Its really hard to keep up the smiles and work on myself when the room seems so empty. Oh well, I'll finish my morning coffee and try to shake this mood off.
She's depressed...and it sounds as though she is severely depressed right now. Depression is not an external problem. It is about issues within herself. You cannot fix it...but you knew that already.
Yes it is hard. Oh so hard. You need to find a way to take care of yourself in this so you can be her place of comfort.
But as you spiral downward and become resentful...if you were her would you feel safe coming to you? No.
Please find a counselor, a hypnotherpist, a psychiatrist. Someone to talk to and someone who can give you guidance as the caretaker of a depressed spouse.
And read books about dealing with someone else's depression.
Yes, by recognizing your spiral and seeking help it may not be an MLC...let us Hope. But I have seen MLCers in early stages come here to post in fear and confusion for there feelings.
Now I do not think that is you...just saying that some MLCers recognize their fears in the beginning...but most lose the recognition as they go deeper.
Please find someone to talkt oto. Oh, I'm not saying don't come here...do that. But verbal speaking to a physical person is so helpful.
It sounds like you have been going through this for a long time. Hang in there and Listen to RCR. She knows what she is talkiong about.
It's hard getting a PMA. Try focusing on things other than your R. It helps. You seem to be new here.
You have come to a good place. You will find comfort in the fact that you are not alone. There are a lot of geed people here with advice taken from experience.
Hang in there.
RCR,
If you have a minute, I wouldn't mind your opinion on a question on my thread. Thanks.
Imageer.
Last edited by Imageer; 04/13/0702:45 PM.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
Thanks! I needed that today. The weekend was ok. She seemed in better spirits and actually talked to us for an hour before work on Saturday. I have kept things lite and ignore any negative comments on her part. I will make that appointment today.
I think things have changed a little this week. SOme things I have noticed. 1. She told work she needed to leave and go out to dinner on Monday night with us. It wasn't planned. I was cutting the lawn and my D yelled "hey Moms coming home to take us to dinner." It was a great night and great food. 2. She has been pretty talking to me during the week about a free puppy. We lost our Boxer last November to old age and it hurt me a lot. Im a huge Boxer fan and she was my dog. It just happened she talked with someone at work looking to find a good home for a male boxer puppy. I know she like a bigger dog for protection but I think she knew how much we like boxers. 3. I gave her a rub on the arm and leaned in. She kissed me pretty hard. It wasnt just a peck to get me to go away. 4. She hugged me goodbye this morning and squeezed me hard for a good 20 seconds.
I will try not to read to much into it but it was a nice week after all. I am also taking the advice of the Dahli Lama writings regarding expectations. Simply do not have any because we only get upset when we build expectations in our head and they dont play out the way we wished. To not have any expectations in mind things are pleasant surprises instead. its not easy but it works for me.
Things are still the same. Today I snapped at her a little b\c Im tired of her crabbiness every morning. She had a fight with her best friend about never seeing her. Shes sick of W's 24/7 work schedule too. So the W was bitching to me about her on Sunday a.m. before she left. I found it ironic that its the same things I have complained about to my W, but I kept my mouth shut. Anyway at bedtime we called her to say goodnight and she was annoyed on the phone. Its amazing to me that 6 hours earlier she can say "bye" and be pretty normal one minute. Then talk to me like Im the most annoying person in the world the next. What happened in between?? ugh! So she comes home slamming dishes around and making noise. I ignored it and slept. This morning shes back at it b/c god for bid I left dishes in the sink. After a few minutes she speaks up and says "why do I leave them"? She doesnt even realize the dishwasher is full of clean dishes and that those didnt fit. I had already done them once that day. I also cut the lawn, did laundry, fed my D and her friend and swept the floors. She doesnt do anything anymore. All I could do was say, "you woke up in a good mood again", sarcastically as I could. I then put some responsibility back in her lap by handing her the bills and said these need to be paid. I was also supposed to mail a wedding gift to her nephew from work but I left it and said i dont have time you mail it. At that point I just kissed my D goodbye and left. I know its petty but I needed to throw something back at her and not be taken for granted one more time. What really sucks is my D keeps asking me if we are fighting or getting a divorce just about every night. All I can tell her is Ive been down that road before(we got one week from the court date) and have no plans of giving up again. It breaks my heart. She saw I had taken my wedding ring off the other day. It was on the night stand and she asked "why I didnt have it on?" And "you still love Mom, right?" I put it back on and told her my finger was bothering me the night before from working out thats all. It wasnt but.. So what can I say Im a little pissed and fed up today with the W's crap. She doesnt see shes now pushing away her friends too. TO her its the restaurant, restaurant, restaurant. At home we are all a bother but as soon as that cell rings she is miss nice to her boss. I have to wonder if shes sleeping with him now. I doubt it honestly but still. If you saw Desperate Housewives last night you'd see what I mean. Tom was me and man did I relate to that episode.
