CM - glad you feel better about talking to him, amazing how that works eh?
And you are creeping me out - don't think about ME when you are talking to your H - yikes (kidding, its okay - glad to help)
Glad you could do this before he leaves, things will get better from this point on.
Our imaginations run a little too wild at times and we think they know, or should know, what we are thinking when they don't have a friggin clue (the look on his face was a perfect example of that one wouldn't you say?)
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I am happy for you! You did what your heart felt and it turned out great. I give you a lot of credit. Keep us posted. And thanks for sending me some extra help, too! It is very appreciated.
I'm making sure I'm just keeping a positive and supportive attitude for H. Last night, I put on a sexy little number and he pretty much ended up holding me for a little bit & then rolling over & going to sleep. Needless to say, I was a bit upset by this, but realize that he is getting very stressed about leaving. I realized that I keep thinking about what's it's going to be like for me & the boys while he's gone and, for me, I think of him as being able to go off & do something new & different and see new places, etc., but in actuality, he is quite a "home body" and I think along w/ his regular depression, he's allowing himself to get down b/c to him, he is maybe thinking that he has to go by himself and will be alone and lonely, etc. I'm beginning to realize more & more how "needy" he is and that he needs a lot more "taking care of" than maybe I myself need or that I had been giving him before.
So, I'm not allowing myself to "think" too much b/c we all know that leads to nothing but negativity sometimes. I went ahead & initiated this a.m. and all was well. When I left for work, he seemed very happy and loving. (Plus his family is all coming this weekend for a going away for him and that stresses him out A LOT!!) I think I need to get a bottle
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Hey Cad I read this in a response to someone elses topic and thought that I would post on your thread instead.
You stated "I had to change my mindset before I could change my actions. "
What I want to question is what happened in your life to make you want to change.
From my reading of your story is that this has happend while your husband was treating you and your relationship, not very well. First off I have got to say that I find it a bit frustrating (mostly it is just my jealousy) that you are turning your sex life around in response to your husbands crap behavior. Anyway, seeing that you have made the change I am hoping that you can possibly shed some light on the changing of your attitude and specificly the following.
What in you life and relationship could have changed in a possitive way to motivate you making these changes?
What I want to question is what happened in your life to make you want to change.
Where most of us fear to go ... severe cage rattling.
Quote:
What in you life and relationship could have changed in a possitive way to motivate you making these changes?
That really is the million dollar question. Most deep changes that are needed in R's like ours seem to only be motivated by extreme circumstances that would be labeled as negative (A's, hints/threats of S/D, actual S/D, WAS, etc.)
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Well, actually, my H dropped the D bomb and our sex life was just one issue amongst others.
In all honesty, as horrible as this whole sitch has been in many ways, I think it had to happen to open my eyes to a whole list of things both good & bad in our M/R.
Unfortunately, over the years, H may have tried to talk to me about the lack of ML in our R, but from MY POV, I don't think he made it clear how truly devestating my LD was to our R and I never understood or realized that he actually felt REJECTED by me not wanting to ML.
Does this answer your questions or do you need more info?
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I sought treatment for myself because I saw that, if I didn't, I'd eventually get to the point where the only way I'd be able to properly support my kids was to commit suicide. Not having the slightest wish to die, I was willing to do just about anything to avoid getting to that point. So I got some treatment and medications, saw some results, and gained a bit of confidence along the way and got easier to live with.
She eventually made her own changes... got out more, went to the gym, went on antidepressants, curbed her temper, and got a lot more enthusiastic in the bedroom. I don't know why; all I can get out of her is "I was tired of living that way". Maybe my own changes inspired her, but I can't say to what extent they did. Maybe it was just coincidence. I look at these boards and see how lucky I am though; an awful lot of people seem to think they can't get a life or do anything to secure their own happiness without dumping their spouses. Maybe it helps that I never discouraged her from going out and doing anything on her own, and in fact often advised her to do so; she resisted that idea for years while getting frustrated with me and the kids, but when she decided she had to do something for her own sanity, she didn't think that I would even dream of trying to stop her.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Maybe it helps that I never discouraged her from going out and doing anything on her own, and in fact often advised her to do so; she resisted that idea for years while getting frustrated with me and the kids, but when she decided she had to do something for her own sanity, she didn't think that I would even dream of trying to stop her.
I am attempting to sow that same seed ... hopefully it will yield similar results.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
