He is leaving to be alone to THINK - now what?

[HeartScared]

Hello Ourcrisis!

I hope everything is well.

HS

[ourcrisis]

Not a very good week. He is still talking to her but he did say he is not seeing her anymore. He came back Monday, but we did not talk about R at all till Thursday. Basically I had all the emotions that I exploded on him. He accused me of not treating him like a husband (not welcoming him) and I said you are not because you are still in a relationship with her and only cares for her feelings and ignored my feelings. I told him marriage is exclusive, and since it is not right now, he is not my husband currently. I am quite sure I got him upset. Eventually we did both calm down a bit. I agreed to try to be more welcoming to him, and he agreed to ask about my feelings often. So far he is very good in doing that (a bit too much, ha ha, as every few hours he asked how I am doing when I am clearly still very upset). I am not very good in pretending to be happy and welcoming around him. Will have to try harder.

I just read that this is a vulnerable time when he is getting over the A (though technically he still has not ended it totally). I just cannot walk on eggshells but I think I will have to. I think I just need to find strength and positive energy from elsewhere so I can have some overflowing positive energy for him.

[HeartScared]

Hello Ourcrisis,

I am sorry your week is not going well. I feel as though my M is frozen in time. Nopthing happening at all. Just at a standstill.

Now is the time for you to look for the positives not matter how small. PMA and positives will get you through.

Take care

[ourcrisis]

A bit of update.
H is really trying to please me. I mentioned that I wanted him to ask me how I feel instead of treating like a business partner (i.e. simply discussing things to do for the family). He asks every few hours, though it ends in that with little genuine followup with whatever answer I give. It is a step forward because he does not open up. I accused him of sharing feelings with OW, but not me and he denied saying he does not open up to anyone at all and I am already the person he opens up the most. I will have to accept that.
My biggest thing is that now he is still in contact with OW. I don't think they are seeing each other anymore (it's been a week?) but they are still talking. He still misses her terribly but so far I don't think he is seeing her. From the little that he tells me, she is pleading with him everyday to see/talk to him. I don't know when/if he will comply or stand his ground. I SO SO wish that he is determined to stay with me and let her go. But I don't know. I am trying to be welcoming but I am also feeling so bad that he cannot break contact completely. I think in his mind, he still truly believes he can JUST BE HER FRIEND and all the books about cutting off 100% is just BS.

Last time I blew up on him and said I do not want to keep pretending nothing ever happened and I feel a need to talk about R. He suggests that we talk everyday (I was actually thinking only 2x a week or once a week). We had one talk so far only. We will see if this can last.
I do have second thoughts about having R talk when he is still missing her so much and still talking to her. I would like your opinion (though this probably belongs to piecing). In this situation where H thinks he is trying to end the A, and is taking baby steps in doing so, but A is still there (talking, may be email, who knows), do you think it is beneficial to have R talk? If so, what kind of R talk? about how A happened? About his current level of contact with her? About his feelings towards her now? About how we can rebuild M? talk on making him promise to be honest (when I am not sure he can be 100%)? H verbally agreed to talk about the above (though I pushed him into it somewhat), but I am not sure if he can actually goes through with talking without lying or being completely open.
I wonder on one hand that I want to get to the bottom of this so we can move on and I don't want to bring it up again after he is over her. On the other hand, may be I should wait till he IS OVER OW before we talk about this? I am quite confused.

All and all though from his actions towards me, I appreciate what he is doing. He is trying. I am trying to be nice to him also but i am actually having lots of trouble doing this now when he is back than before when A was still in full force. Partly because I am discovering more lies and I simply do not know if I can tolerate all these lies and stay with the M. Partly also I am having trouble being nice to him when I know he is missing her terribly. I think bottomline is that at this point, my love tank is so low that I am having trouble continuing. This is sad because I know we are very close to getting back. I keep praying that I can just last long enough for him to be completely honest and open with me, and break off 100% with OW before I call it quits.

[ourcrisis]

I just realized I am getting back to what i am NOT supposed to do. I need to do 180 again and be loving and not pushing. I just realized that I am pushing. He probably thinks I am a spoilt kid who has nothing but good life all these years (which compared to him, yes, I did) and here I am again whining to get little things.
I was just reading through posts here and over at piecing. I think I need to go back to serious DB and just let h drive the pace on revealing the A, and his feelings, etc. DETACH, DETACH!!!

[ourcrisis]

Journaling.
H is still home. Still in contact with OW. I don't ask anymore on what stage he is at. We had an agreement that we would talk everynight, but we are not following that much. He probably thinks he is since we do "talk". But no R talk, no talk about whether he is seeing/talking/emailing/whatever with OW which is what I am looking for. But I am not asking anymore because I don't want to know and I know by talking it will make him ache for her more. The other night he said when he sees that I am "happy", he is happy. At the same time, he is sad because he knows she is "sad". That simply sucks. i am telling myself today no more R talk from me. I am just going to act 180.

Now, I need a few 2x4's. Somebody please wack me and tell me i need to detach and just not ask anymore or not push him. I feel like sometimes I am being too "close" to him by touching him, hugging, etc. I am finding a difficult balance with both the physical and emotional side. When he ask about how I feel, should i just lie and say i am OK? or pour out my soul (guess NOT !!!) We are touching each other a lot, and he is not resenting me, but i can feel sometimes that he is holding me and thinking about OW. ARGH!!!!

I am not good at keeping a balance and as a result, I think sometimes I am being too "distant" and sometimes too "pushy". H is very nice and is not complaining, but that's because he never shows his feelings. I can sense that he may not like this sometimes. Eggshells!!!!!

[lovelyolive]

I am not good at keeping a balance and as a result, I think sometimes I am being too "distant" and sometimes too "pushy". H is very nice and is not complaining, but that's because he never shows his feelings. I can sense that he may not like this sometimes. Eggshells!!!!!

I hear you there, OC! In fact, I was just thinking this morning how I don't really know what to do. Do I initiate the hugging, kissing, ILY, e-mails, etc? or do I let H do it? He seems to have backed off quite a bit and is acting distant after some really nice times this weekend.. So hard to know what to do !!!!

[Aud31]

Now, I need a few 2x4's. Somebody please wack me and tell me i need to detach and just not ask anymore or not push him. I feel like sometimes I am being too "close" to him by touching him, hugging, etc. I am finding a difficult balance with both the physical and emotional side. When he ask about how I feel, should i just lie and say i am OK? or pour out my soul (guess NOT !!!) We are touching each other a lot, and he is not resenting me, but i can feel sometimes that he is holding me and thinking about OW. ARGH!!!!

No 2x4's needed hon, you know what you need to do. IMHO, it is possible to touch, hug, etc. while detaching...if you can feel strong enough in yourself to do these things (which foster closeness) with zero expectations, then do them! (It's the expectations that get us every time. )

About worrying that he's thinking about OW when he's holding you...HE'S HOLDING YOU! There is no way to know exactly what he's thinking, and there's no point in torturing yourself about it. It makes it more difficult for you to stay on an even keel when you're worried about the what-ifs (gah, don't I know this!).

((hugs)) You're doing a great job. Good luck with your goal of no R talk today.

[ourcrisis]

H has agreed to talk to me everyday and asked me how I feel. But now we have not talked about R for almost a week now. I feel like I am exploding for wanting information. Even "I don't want to talk about R for another week." is OK. One of the biggest problems in our R is him saying something which I take a a promise and he never fulfills it and just lets it slip off the radar, leaving me wondering if he actually plans to do it?/forgets?/not want to do it anymore?/what?? usually I wait until i explode and that's not good. I hate to remind him because he feels like I am pushing. Is there a good solution to let him know that i still have expectation of the daily R talk until he tells me otherwise?

Physically we are OK (guess I am doing a great job complimenting in that regard). I have another question. I know he is trying, but to use the "Five Love Language"'s words, he is sometimes speaking my language but not my dialect. I want him to be open (with his feelings, with the little steps he is taking away from OW), but instead I get a report of his daily activities. I do not want him to "report" to me the boss. I want to be the "wife".

OK, since I am venting, may as well go all the way. I feel that i am not in his social circle at all. She is. (ex-coworker, drinking circle while I did not drink before). Is it safe to request that I be included in his social circle at this point? Right now he is at home and we do things. But he is taking the route as not going out with any of his friends at all, but being with me, and just me. What i want is for him to go out, AND TAKE ME WITH HIM TO SHOW THE WORLD I AM THE WIFE!!!! I wonder if he will feel "pushed" if I request that.

Olive - remember the cave from Venus/Mars. It is so tough when h pulls away. Then i try to remember the cave. Easy to say, difficult to do.

Aud31, thanks for the reminder that he is holding ME!!! I needed that, plus that's somehow tells me that's a pretty big step. And I just realize also for me to push for more now may just be a bit too much for h.

This board is good. It clears my mind sometimes. Good to read others' story too just to keep me sane. thanks.