I've just been given a "God signal". I haven't written or even read here in so very long and then today I decide to check and see that wonderful souls have been thinking of me. Thank you so much on this, a difficult day. Know that I've had you all on my heart.
For those who don't know me, I had posted here for several years, but some time ago just stopped. I'm not sure of all the reasons, but know I started to worry about how public this forum is and that I might be disclosing too much. Today though I had to write in gratitude. Sorry it's long.
I firmly believe that our very compassionate Lord watches over us during this period of evil that our spouses have entered. In line with that, I have remained married (not even separated) to my husband since he left 5-1/2 years ago to be with an old - really - girlfriend from before we were married 40 years ago. What's more, I have prayed every day for God to not only heal our marriage, but to restore the heart and soul of our family.
I have been both praised and deemed foolish for that on this board. At the same time, I have worked very hard to live the right way. Much of the time I fail, but know that I am trying. I hope that when I come before Jesus on my death day, He will cut me some slack, but know that He promises both mercy and justice.
I am always sorry for what I have done and what I have failed to do - as the Church says. It's so easy to forget that Christ asked us to be doers as well as abstainers in this life of preparation for the next.
We have been promised that death can come like a thief in the night. Time is a luxury our souls may not have, a concept I've largely ignored in my life. When we exchange vows, we are really promising to help the other get to heaven. How I wish I had lived my marriage that way years ago. I tell my husband that I offer my suffering up for his conversion and hope he does the same.
The man I married so long ago is a very long-term active alcoholic and that has colored every thing he has done, with typically escalating losses for him. He has caused separation and pain in a family that should be living very happy times. Nature didn't intervene in our lives - evil and cruelty did.
We have three wonderful grown sons, 2 DILs and four grandchildren. My husband has some contact with one of the sons, but almost none with the married two and their families.
Last fall, about when I stopped writing, my spirits had taken a nosedive, for many reasons. One son was diagnosed with two previously unknown congenital heart problems. He had surgery for one in Nov. and is doing well, except that the other could cause problems in the future. It was scary and traumatic, but family and faith have become even more important to him. He hasn't missed a beat with his very successful law career. It does my heart good to see what good husbands and dads my boys are.
My eldest son, who is not married, has tried to stay close to his father and suffers at the way my husband has essentially abandoned his brothers and their kids.
Our 40th anniversary was over the holidays and I reached out to my husband by phone that night, only to have him too drunk to do anything but fumble with trying to turn his cell off without talking, then leaving the phone engaged, something he commonly does. Then the evil whore, who in typical fashion despises me without reason, God knows, yelled my name into the phone - saying a very cruel and drunken "Hi". Funny how these predators abhor us just because we exist and are a barrier. They can't stand it that we are the real wife.
In November and December I underwent a number of very big house problems - major flood in lower half of house from sewer pipe that backed up, plus other things. At the same time I was becoming more and more physically ill, with heart problems (not serious) diagnosed and continuing infections, including pneumonia. I managed to survive the holidays, only to get sicker for a couple of months. My little granddaughter was hospitalized. She's ok, but it seems to go on and on.
What a litany of woe, huh! I feel as though I'm in the dark night of the soul at times - as though the dog is wagging the tail in my life.
I have suffered from depression at various levels for some years...with the "inside" or chemical aspects easier to adjust medically than the "outside" or situational influences.
All-in-all it's been more than a challenge for me. I often remind myself of how much worse things could be, but don't think Jesus only allows suffering to be meaningful if it involves actual death and even worse problems.
This is all real enough.
The good news is - literally - the Good News. Even after screaming out to our Creator the other night that I couldn't take any more - that I wasn't seeing Him in my life - I am being healed as I write this. He lives and will always love each and every one of those He died to save.
I know that He allows us to suffer for the growth and well-being of our souls. I also know that He doesn't cause the suffering. I can't understand why so much heartache has surrounded me and my family. Much of this is manifested in my husband's seeming to remain in fixed in his evil world. Despite my having learned to detach from an addict's life a long time ago, it is frustrating and humiliating to have his garbage exposed for the world.
Then I remember that this world, never more so than now, is fighting a mortal battle against multiplying powers of darkness. The problem is the number of warriors on the side of good seems limited.
We just have to look at what a young man seemingly possessed by darkness did to wipe out 32 lives the other day, to see how evil is more and more evident. What horror his victims endured.
Goodness and justice will reign - God has never lost a battle. But we have to step up and report for duty as soldiers of Christ. We have to be willing to call a sin a sin and to encourage the rest of our society to do the same.
None of us is perfect, but we don't have to be to know that things like adultery, abuse, alcohol and drug use, killing the most innocent and having a greater need for things than love of each other is destroying us slowly but surely. We need to look at our own mortal failings, correct them and then be willing to help God here on earth.
Marriages are breaking up because selfish needs - sins - are supplanting love - the real love that comes from God. Our spouses have allowed themselves to worship their own egos. They are apparently able to live comfortably knowing that they are offending God and causing deeps suffering for those entrusted to them, spouses and children. They are ignoring the much too slight sense of scandal our society witnesses in their actions. Who tells them that they have written a ticket for themselves to hell - and one for their loved ones for this life?
We have to live our own lives as true examples of goodness and mercy as Christ demands. He is so anxious to show His mercy and grace to even the worst sinner, but backs are turned to him. It's up to us to turn to face Him each and every day and to draw others with us.
I feel the tragedy in Virginia is a live-time TV example of how willing the enemy of God is to do his work. It also presented us a vision of one of probably countless acts of sacrifice in the person of the professor who gave his life trying to save his students.
What does it take for us to battle evil? There are a number of very practical remedies for everyday sins, but none of them will work at saving our world until we acknowledge the evil within each of us. The Holy Spirit is calling each of us to stop condoning terrible acts - not only the big ones, but the most mundane. We need to look at what we go along with and quit throwing up our hands. We can't say we were hurt by a sinning spouse, so we will do what it takes to make ourselves "happy". Our kids are looking to us to live the example. We fret at the things our kids do, but can't quite make ourselves deny them activities, behaviors and possessions that harm their souls. We may go to church with them on occasion, but forget that we have to show them what God really wants.
This is a very long way of my saying that I still suffer at my husband's and the whore's sins, but can't and won't just "move on", forgetting the vows I took. God will see me through and I do still believe He is the only physician our micro and larger worlds need. He wants to heal and make us joyful, especially those who like our spouses have spit on Him in the most rejecting ways. One sinner converted or lukewarm faithful embracing fervency pleases our Lord beyond all else, according to His own words.
I am Catholic and older, so you could say I don't have many options as far as moving on with someone else. My heart breaks for those of you raising small children in a personally lonely marriage. You have been deserted by your sinning spouse, but not by our Lord. Loneliness and rejection are so hard, no matter our circumstances. And watching your children suffer from the acts of their father or mother is almost unbearable.
He loves us all and knows our grief. He will cure all of us even when we don't know enough to ask for healing.
Life on earth is a very short part of eternity. Are we willing to sell our souls by not doing the acts of spiritual sacrifice that may be necessary for the glories of heaven?
People think I'm crazy or unbelievably stubborn that I haven't divorced my husband and gone forward. There is no going forward for me that involves leaving God behind. Weak and pitiful though I act at times, I will survive. I may not be able to do great outward evangelization, but I can pray and spread the word. On a practical note, as I have said here many times, I am financially ok while still married and would lose money if I divorced. It's not easy to know that whatever I do, there are awful compromises that I have already endured. I have to live knowing that the other woman has taken pieces of my life away and that I can do nothing about that. She has literally used hundreds of thousands of dollars that should have been mine. Divorcing, or getting back together for that matter, won't change what's been done. You can only move forward in a marriage that has been under seige like this, by letting God have all of it. (But you do have to protect yourself whenever you can. God doesn't expect us to be stupid, just good.)
God give me and all of us here the strength to do the right thing and to offer our suffering for the conversion of the world. We can't become bitter no matter how long things go on. And we have an obligation to try to find joy in each day God gives us, within our own limitations.
It's not easy, but the rewards are awaiting us. (If I seem preachy, trust me - I'm talking to myself more than anyone.)
