I've ordered the SSM book, but haven't received it yet. I have been reading posts and posting in other forums on this site before now.
Basically, I have a SSM. My wife and I have been in counseling for the last 6 months. I was depressed, and now much better. My wife has been pushing me for sex for years. I haven't responded with what she wants. It'll get better, but then we back up. She has been asking my Why?. Why don't I want to have sex with her. I have been at a loss, however after reading the first chapter of the book, I'm starting to understand better.
I have been blaming myself and she has been feeling rejected for years. It has finally become too much for her. She moved out a little over two weeks ago. She says it's too late. I'm hoping that it's not, but I must be able to answer her as to why I wasn't interested if I want any chance.
I also want to know why for me -- I have blamed myself, it may not be a choice that I've made.
I really need help understand why this happens to men. Men are suppose to be "ready" anytime. When I was in my teen's and 20's, if the wind blew I was ready. Now, it's just not there. When we have "done it", I always enjoy it, but I just can't start it.
My wife is also my best friend. I miss her greatly, and pray that I'll have a second chance.
Any help understand this or pointers to resource or other posts would be greatly appreciated.
One question, have you had a through physical and blood work-up performed to make sure everything is physcially hunky dory with you? If not, do so ASAP! It would be a huge shame to leave something untreated that could be....like if your Testosterone level is low. If you don't know about it you can't fix it right?
Aside from that there are other things that can effect a man's libido....such as andropause (kind of like the mens version of menopause.) Stress, diet, depression etc.
All I can do is speak honestly from your HD W's side of things...what she's been dealing with is so painful. We women are conditioned to believe the same thing you just said..."Men are suppose to be "ready" anytime", we are also often conditioned to believe that men want it constantly (which of course isn't true of all men.) Neither statement is necessarily true of any man...but it's what we are often conditioned to believe growing up. So, when our H's don't show sexual interest in us...the first thing we do is look to ourselves "what's wrong with me?!" It cuts to our core to not have our H show any sexual interest (whether we are interested or not).
Now, I don't say that to hurt you or smack you upside the head. Just letting you know what you are dealing with in her. Yes, she's absolutely going to need to know that #1 you are actively trying to figure this out, #2 It's HONESTLY NOT HER. I think you can win her back...but she's going to need quite a bit of reassuring (in words and actions) from you that you will not hurt her like this again, because speaking from my own experience with my H....I have never experienced anything as painful or as hard for me to wrap my brain around than my H showing no sexual interest in me.
So...please, share with us....what is it you have tried in an attempt to figure this issue out? That might help us to direct you better. Also, do you view porn at all....is there ANY type of sexual activity you do engage in, such as masturbating? I know it may be embarrassing to share details, but the details help us help you.
Yes, I've had a physical. They say everything is ok. My Testosterone level is in the "acceptable" range, however it was on the low end.
Stress, diet, and depression could be an issue. However, I'm in counceling and taking anti-depressiants, and feel better now than in years.
She has been "pushing" for years. I just haven't been listening. May be it's a control thing. Now that she's left me, I am a wake. I want to solve the problem. I have a pattern of procrastination and seem to solve problems at the very last.
I really just have very little interest now days. When we've done it I always enjoy it and often think, why don't we do that more often.
I love my wife very much. I just can't seem to get started.
Yes, I have masturbated. It's not very often, but, yes I have. In the teen's & 20's, it was all the time. When we first got married I did some, but now it's rare.
What have I done? Last October she came to me and wanted a D due to this issue. We talked and decided to go to counceling. Things seem to be going well, but we were focused more on the depression and how each of us thought differently. We really didn't get into the sex issue. That was coming up next. A few weeks ago my wife said that it wasn't working and moved out.
I wish now that we'd focused more on the sex issue, but I probably needed to get issues with the depression and get "me" better before moving on to the sex.
But, now my wife is mad, hurt, and feels rejected. I don't blame her. I now understand better how I have hurt her. I just didn't view sex as that big of deal.
I plan to continue my reading and I'm working on a letter. But in that letter, I've got to be able to truly answer why this happened. After that, I just don't know. She may be too hurt at this point, but she may give me a second chance.
I want to do this for her, but also it's for me. I don't want this to ever be a problem again. But, I hope I'm with her.
The one thing that crossed my mind is I felt the same way for years and was "rejecting" my H left & right. Didn't realize that that was how he was taking it, but I know now how much that hurt him.
You said that once you do ML, you enjoy it and wonder why you don't do that more often: THEN JUST DO IT MORE OFTEN. I can remember that I was just too tired or didn't want to take the time, etc. Now that my drive has leveled off, I've felt that a few times again, but I just go ahead & get started and then you are off & running again instead of just NOT doing it and letting it go to the wayside.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Thanks for answering those questions. When she was "pushing" you how did you receive that pushing? Did it appear as nagging to you, or did you recognize that you were causing her pain?
The reason I ask is that in the beginning, when I was trying to address this same issue in my own marriage with my H...no matter what I said, he received it as nagging. No matter what tone I used, no matter what words...I was still nagging him in his eyes. For many people "nagging" is in itself enough to turnoff that sexual desire toward the other person, at least temporarily...then if it persists, it can go on.
What type of diet do you have? I ask this because quite some time back we had another male who participated on these BB's under the name CSW. His libido disappeared as well...he did some research and found out that his diet was one of the main factors. He THOUGHT he was doing himself a favor and eating in a very healthy manner, ate lots of soy products. He consumed much more soy than he really should have, consuming too much soy has the result of....dropping the libido to nearly nil.
Do you work out at all? Working out is known to help increase the libido as well. It gets the endorphins pumping, decreases stress and gets the juices flowing too.
When you say you have very little interest...what exactly does that mean? That's kind of a vague statement. Do you think about sex at all?
Just read your updated post....ok so you two went to MC, that was a good idea...but if "sex" itself wasn't being addressed and you both wanted it addressed...how about finding a "sex therapist"? There are therapists out there who specialize in these issues. They will give you exercises (some physical, some not) to help you work past whatever it is that is the issue, or discover the actual issue. MC's don't always specialize in "sexual" issues. Perhaps if you tell your W that you are seeing a "specialist" to work past this she would be willing to join you if you invite her.
If my H had come to me and said that he was seeing a specialist and would like me to attend with him, I cannot tell you what music that would have been to my ears. FWIW...when I first came to these boards I was ready to leave my marriage, divorce WAS imminent at that time.
"JUST DO IT" sound like a great idea. However, she's moved out and is mad & hurt. I've got to appoligize and explain why. She keeps asking Why? If I give her an answer, I think it will go a long way. But, I just don't really understand why yet. However, after reading posts and the first chapter, I now understand that men do have low desire.
I tended to view her "pushing" as nagging. But she really wasn't the typical "nag" you might think of. I know that the fastest way to get me to not do something is to push me to do it. And, the fastest way to get me to do something is to say that I can't have it.... then I really want it.
I don't eat any soy, that's too healthy. We've gotten to where we eat out way too much. Mexican, pizza, good food like that.
I really don't exercise, need to and it's on my new "to do list". The list of things that I need to do to improve "me."
If I were to see an attractive girl somewhere, I would think she sure is pretty. In my teens, I wanted to jump her and would dream about her.
My w hasn't filed or seen an attorney yet, I don't think. But, she's not likely to get in the sack with me right now. I'd do good if I could get her to have dinner with me.
I've really got to answer her why and that will go a long way to opening up the door. However, if she doesn't buy into the answer or feels it's the same old answers, then it's probably done. And, I'm not looking to just feed her some answer either, I want to know why too. This has been hard for me too.
Oh, I'm not suggesting that you ask her to have sex with you RIGHT NOW, you two aren't ready for that...there's too much pain and resentment in her for that right now.
What I am suggesting is that you invite her to go to the sex therapist with you (when you find one). Invite her to come with you to help you find out "WHY", make her part of the investigation and solution. I really believe that will go a long way in helping her get past her pain and anger. Being a part of someone actively trying to find out answers is reassuring in the fact that you can SEE they are truly trying...and not just saying they are. I can't tell you what a relief it was to me to find out that my own H had a form of Whore/Madonna syndrom. That infomration told me this issue truly wasn't about ME at all....it was something totally about HIM. It took a horrible set of events too to come to that discovery but...it was made nonetheless. Having that WHY answered really did help me hang in there. We still have a ways to go to get anywhere near what I once hoped for in a sex life, and we may never get there...BUT he now does other things that help keep me happy and let me know he does find me attractive that way.
Ok...so you eat out too much, that's not good. It's well known that American restaurants #1 serve far too much food in the portions they provide, and #2 the food really isn't very healthy. Many restaurants provide dishes that have more than the daily calorie content in one dish that a person needs for the entire day! That can lead to lethargy and a lack of energy.
FWIW...I wouldn't consider myself a typical "nag" either. I would try to talk to my H about what was going on, in an attempt to help him figure it out. I tried to be non-threatening and not pushy...but was still taken as nagging. Opening my mouth about it was taken as nagging.
have you talked to the doc that gave you the anti-d's??
ssri's (prozac, zoloft, et al) will knock the sex drive right out of you. IMO, more trouble than they're worth. Zoloft, to me, was more of an "amplifier" of depressive symptoms. never have I cared so little about so much. (and I thought my normal state was "couch-potatoe-like. ha!).
I'm on lexapro and at first it was hard to get the big O, but seems ok now.
I took Zoloft a few years ago. I agree Zoloft made things worse. Couldn't get the big o at all. It makes you where you just don't care.
A sex therapist might be a good idea. I agree about the big meals. We would go eat Mexican food a few times a week. Get all filled up and then she'd want some sex... I just can't being that full.
I really don't consider my wife a nag, but I did feel pressure about the sex. For some reason, that's a turn off.
"I really don't consider my wife a nag, but I did feel pressure about the sex. For some reason, that's a turn off.
That's exactly what I was saying. My H didn't "consider" me a nag either, but my bringing the issue up, or talking about the need he wasn't meeting (no matter how gently I put it) had this same effect.
If you truly do have a libido that's dropped, AND you truly don't indulge in porn then I think a sex therapist is a good tool for you to utilize in figuring out this issue for you.
