New to this forum

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I am having a bad week. My mother had to be taken to the hospital for irregular heartbeat, it is a watch and see if we need to treat type thing, but still scary. My son had run down the leg butt flu to a day and a half, gross! My attempt to return to school is stalled with being on the wait list. I just really feel down and like one giant loser, can't seem to find any positive.

H has been somewhat supportive, he knows how frustrated I am with the school thing, I think it is a positive that I didn't explode over the whole thing, last time I did, he says I even blamed him, don't remember that, but that is what he remembers, hope he noticed that I handled it better this time.

Have had a few hugs, but that is all. I too am having trouble with feeling so far away, just like inpain, reading her thread on this is good for me.

Okay lets find a bright spot. I finally did a little exercise today, have to keep this up, I think this will help my attitude in so many ways. H and I are going out to dinner tonight, just the 2 of us and that will be nice. H has continued to persue the new house thing, and it is for all of us so that is good. H recognised that he was a bit unsympathetic the other day and said that seems to be his mantra lately to everyone, so that is a good sign, don't know that he will change, but at least he can see that it is a bit harsh at times.

All for now

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Last night...

H called on the way home and told me he stopped to look at a bike he was interested in but it was too small. I said gee maybe it will fit me, he asked are you really ready to buckle down and hit the trails hard, I said no, but maybe in a couple months.... I thought we were just talking. H got all bent out of shape, he felt I was making something that he was interested in all about me. Now this is the first I have heard of the bike, and I don't want or need a new bike. I thought I was making conversation, but he totally took this as me honing in and not letting him be an individual. I tried to explain that I was just making conversation, but he just seemed so pissy about the whole thing. Then he brought up that he wanted a digital camera but knew if he bought one I would get mad, I said well it would hurt my feelings if you got a new camera when you know that I have been wanting a new camera. H didn't understand that at all, I tried to explain, but all he could hear was he couldn't have something if I wanted the same thing, mine had to be better, I don't how to avoid this type of thing. I don't have to have better than him, and I do want him to have experiences of his own, although that is all he seems interested in right now his stuff on his own, and nothing with me. He did admit that he sees I am trying but ..... just feels so backwards right now.

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we have been so busy. our s was cast int o a play last week, he had rehersal every night and then the play on fri and sat, it was a really hectic week. on the weekend h had planned on being out of town, he still went and I played super mom and got s to his play and hockey tournament. this week has been pretty busy as well. h and I put off valentines until tonight because I worked a double shift on the actual day. not expecting much.

feeling down today, frustrated with so many things, mostly stuff about me, can't seem to focus or get myself in order, and it is effecting my interactions with H. I feel like I have lost my center. need to find a way to get that back, maybe some meditation, I don't know.

i have been wanting to read the whole patience thread started by inpain, but haven't been able to motivate, i know i have some of those issues and that the advice in there would certainly help.

have to motivate the kids to go to school now, perhaps more later.

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Hi all, I have not been on here in a while. Have been just going along. No movement on the ILYs from H, or on intimacy, some times it really really bothers me and others I am just sad about it. Trying so hard to be patient. H actually said he hates it when I am standing there and he knows I am waiting for a hug, and it makes him want to hug me even less. He then said I need to be patient, which I guess is a good sign.

We haven't had any joint counseling sessions in a while. I have been waiting for him to schedule them, I don't know if I should ask for one or not. We have had a couple "discussions" and made it through on our own, so that is good. Valentines Day I got a card and he signed it Love, H, but it was a fairly generic card, oh well, I did the same for him. No pressure right.

I have been having a lot of issues with myself and the whole PMA and getting a life, have discussed it with my counselor at length. I feel like there is this cloud of questions over my head all titles "am I good enough for...." and not just H, but everything, and the current answer is no for most of them, although I try to say yes, I am not able to boil this down and accept that I am good enough for myself, I guess that is the bottom line, I don't feel good enough and that is the underlying problem with so much of my life. I have to find away to put that aside, to get over myself shall we say. I need to accept that I am good enough period, that there doesn't need to be a qualifier added to that. I think just writing about it is making me think, funny how seeing something in print is helpful.

I AM GOOD ENOUGH, JUST AS I AM.

Thanks I needed that.

My couselor talked about thinking about a tapestry and how on one side it can look a mess but on the other it is beautiful, not that I think I am beautiful but I feel like the backside of the tapestry, I need to know that it is okay to look that way, that it is supposed to look that way to make the other side what it is supposed to be. If it was all neatly one color, it would be boring. It needs those other colors and textures woven in to make it interesting and wonderful. Life gives us both, rough textures, we have to work them in just like the silk, they are harder to work in, but will in the end add so much to the work.

I stopped typing there for a minute thinking about all the different textures from my life that would be on there, birthday ribbon, wedding dress strips, baby colors, horse hair, and the rocks and sticks from the current marriage situtation, and thinking about what an incredibly diverse and beautiful work it would be, I can see it hanging there, and I can see myself looking at it and being amazed. I know I would like to look at it.

I am on a journey to understanding myself and accepting myself, the rest of my life will follow, the better I care for myself and love myself, the easier those other parts will enter and flow.

I can do this. I am strong. I can make it. I can

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Hi everyone, have been busy and haven't had a lot to report so have just been doing reading on occasion.

We are still working at it. We had our anniversary 17 years. We went to his companies annual banquet, and it was a casino night theme. H isn't much into that scene, but we played some blackjack and I feel like he had fun. I met all the people he works with, that was nice to have names to put with the faces. We exchanged gifts, and a couple hugs, but nothing further. I am still waiting for more intimacy, hopeful. Trying not to look like a lost puppy.

Have been feeling better about myself, am more able to get going on a few things, baby steps for sure, couple of things and then I put a few off for a bit, and then a couple more. I think the patience thing has me worn down, I am tired of being patient, yet I am not giving up, I just want to hear a little reassurance, I guess I would like some words as I think that there are plenty of signs.

H and I are going to be building a new home. We get along at this quite well, so it is a good project for us, although I am not looking forward to the hassels, I am excited and then worried just about the project at the same time. H said last night he wishes it was done already. Same thing I think, we like doing it, but just want it to go smoothly, our last build was a nightmare, and we survived that so.....

It is a good sign I think. H has been very into fitness, and I have been very supportive, bought him gifts to support that venture, not hasseling him about time he needs to do long runs or biking and such. Working on getting myself into shape as well, but not in a competitive way, just inspired by all the work he is doing.

There is a new crisis brewing in his family. His Dad is drinking again and having issues, it stressed him out the last time, tremendously, I think he is in a better place to deal with it now, he is already in counseling so he has that outlet to talk. I listen and try and be supportive, but not get in the way. It is a tough deal. I am angry because I feel like things with us have been going better and then this wrench gets thrown in, and stresses him out. I know that stress contributed to the melt down, he needed to control his life and not be taking care of everyone else, so I was the easiest to dump. I have to do an excellent job of taking care of my and my happiness, and not putting in off on him, show him that these changes are real and permanent, and that I will not backslide and stay there, especially when he is having his own issues. Will discuss that with my counselor today.

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The drama with his Dad continues. We took a family trip for the weekend, he had a nice time, but I could tell he was distracted with stuff about his Dad, he even said as much. He came home earlier than me and the kids (this was planned) and when he got home all kinds of stuff was going on, the dog was a mess, and then his Dad fell and ended up being admitted to the hospital, so more crisis. He has been a bit quieter and less interested in working on house stuff, I suspect that this stuff is in the back of his mind all the time. I have just been leaving him alone to deal with it. Is that the right thing to do? I figure he will talk about it when he wants to or needs to.

Trying to get into the routine of taking care of myself better, feel like I am very very very slowly making some headway.

I wish there was more intimacy between us, how about any intimacy, I get occasional hugs and that is all. Wish for more, am very frustrated on some levels about this, but feel like not pushing is the right thing to do.


any advice?

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Update,

We have purchased the lot so the build is going to go ahead. H has been a little looser the last few days. His Dad is holding his own, not doing great, but not causing crisis every day either.

H left for a 2 night business trip on Monday morning and I got 2 hugs, he initiated, one was a one arm and I turned it into a 2 arm so there.

I have a terrible cold so hard to work on PMA at this time.

I am trying to remember that slow is better because then it is real. I am trying to keep in mind that I could be alone right now, not what I want and that patience is worth it. Keeping my eyes on the goal.

Speaking of that, I am not good at goal setting, I think I overestimate my abilities and set too high of goals, this is in everything, not just marriage stuff. I need to practice I think by setting some small reachable goals and then getting excited about that.

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one step forward and one back

Friday we met with the designer on the house, and H gave me an unsolicited kiss on the cheek before he jumped in the car and off he went. Sat morning was fine, then I went to work, then found out I had to stay for a second shift, so I ended up working essentially the rest of the weekend. Sunday before I went to work H told me that he thinks we need a housekeeper, that I just don't seem to be keeping up. Of course he didn't come right out and blame me. But I felt defensive none the less, felt like here he is pointing out yet another place where I don't measure up. I said fine. Talked about it with a friend and decided I was being defensive. Discussed it a bit, short little talks, more with H. I even admitted I was being defensive. Then he had and experience with the kids wrecking a bunch of stuff he had just worked on, and he also said he has a bunch of stuff that he needs to work on around the house, little things that he needs to finish, that sort of thing.

That made me feel better, perhaps he was just feeling pressure to finish up some of his stuff, I never nag about these things, despite the fact that I would like too, because some of these have needed to be done for quite a while. I think the housekeeper is not a bad idea, I need to let go my pride and be happy I can push off some of the work on. Hard to process.

I just really want to focus and accept the kiss thingy and go back to where that road was leading.

I wonder if the fact that I wasn't around and H ended up with all the responsibility this weekend also set off the lets talking about how you aren't preforming up to my expectations talk, see that is how I see it, not a discussion about how the undone stuff is causing him stress, but I suppose that is how it boils down. He sees stuff he want/thinks should be done and it stresses him and perhaps even reminds him that he has a to do list lurking around some place. I don't know guessing and processing here.

I will focus on completing some tasks in a more timely manner and explore the housekeeper idea for the heavier work week, perhaps I can get them to do some of the bigger cleaning tasks I have not wanted to tackle. It will be nice to have a few of those done by someone else while getting the house ready to sell.

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Feeling angry today, not sure what brought this on. I am replaying some of the stuff he said in the middle of the crisis, stuff that really hurt. I don't know why I am so focued on that right now. I guess I am not feeling very much PMA these days. Very unhappy with my physical condition. I don't seem to be able to kick myself in the pants and work on that either.

I am also very upset by the recent tragedy, this stuff effects me deeply and I think I have bit more depression as a result of this latest episode. I have done better the last 2 days not watching tv or reading the paper so that helps.

Not sure what to do at the moment.

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Now I am having a paranoid day. H has been stressed at work and of course his Dad and I suppose the house and our relationship, and who knows what else. So he called in sick today. He feels like he needs a break.

I am going on with my plans to meet a friend today. Feel nervous though. Need to not read into it, right?