And he will HAVE to change some things in order for us to work out, ie the whole lying issue.
I want to tell you something and hope you understand...sometimes what one person does...leads another to do something they normally wouldn't do under different circumstances...
Now think about that and apply it to your marriage...as I did mine because lying was a HUGE issue to me also...my H told me there are reasons that he lied...not that it was right...just reasons...1)He was unhappy but didn't want to hurt me 2)He didn't want to face my reaction to the truth 3)He wanted to wait till a "better" time
What drove him to lying was the all the little things that made him unhappy...so now as long as he is happy...and I use that as a relative term....there is no reason to lie to me...thus I can begin to trust..
If your husband was generally honest with you BEFORE the unhappiness started then feel assured that he will be honest again...
There is no way to get someone to promise never to lie again...but if you create the circumstances where he feels safe then it should not be an issue...he continues to lie because of the reasons my husband stated...and what happened when you found out it was her???...you went balistic!...thus confirming again his "need" to lie...
Now I know your going to say that it was BECAUSE he lied and not because it was "her"....but he has no way to KNOW that for sure now...all he knows is she called, he didn't want you to know because of 1,2, or 3 above, so he lied, you pushed, found out the "truth" and....you went balistic with the TRUTH!...that is how he sees it...
Now when you get to a point in your M/R where he feels safe...and he can TRUST YOU...he will test you out...he will be honest...or possibly even do an opposite lie (my term for lying about something to see if he can upset you)...and then watch your reaction...depending on what happens then will greatly effect if he continues to move closer in feeling safe and trusting or if he retreats...but you know...a person will only retreat so many times before they figure it is a lost cause, you won't change, they don't see an end to the frustrations...
Because unless someone has a true mental problem...no one wants to lie...lying is a means of self preservation in most cases...
Think about that and it will probably help you go far in seeing how your actions can and will effect your H's reactions and ultimately his actions...
I think it is good that you are not "relying" so heavily on the Xanax...it might be that the others are finally up to speed in your system and keeping you feeling more level...it also could be that you are finally "getting it"...
Keep focusing on you...keep seeking ways to GAL during your non-work hours...keep looking for ways to improve yourself...the things you value in others should be things that you posses..I noticed that you listed a lot of positives about yourself the other day and that is good...sometimes...and I do mean sometimes...it helps for us to look at our negatives...but only one at a time...and work on them...this was pretty much how I went about things...you can get too overwhelmed if you try a "total make-over" all at once...sort of like dieting...to be successful it really has to become a way of life that you can live with...
So onward and upward...you are sounding so much better (sans the fallout the other night)....just keep going...with momentum everything gets easier...
He has told me that he's "working on" getting back to us. I asked him if he had begun to talk to her about this, and he said that he's just been doing his own soul searching. I asked him what he has been thinking about, and then he said he's been working a lot, too, and has tried NOT to think about it. I asked him if he knew he wanted to give our M another chance why he didn't tell her that and at least START working on US. I asked if it was just because he didn't want to hurt anyone. He said he didn't want to talk about it...
He also told me the other night when we had our big blowout that he has been coming to the office late, around 11 or midnight, after I would be gone. This may be true on some nights, but for the most part, I know he has been staying with her.
OH MY GOODNESS...would you just read a little of what you wrote???...I have issues with your ASS-U-ME(ing)...you are now doing under the guise of (I believe)...you are trapping yourself in negative thoughts and this will lead you to negative actions...AND....are you listening????...Read the first paragraph that I quoted above and tell me what how you honestly see the person who wrote it (YOU)!
I will give you my objective opinion later...I have to go back to work....
the answer to the status is that he is with HER and apparently, confused... I say "apparently" b/c of the words he says, and "with HER" b/c of what he is doing.
I'm sorry you are in so much pain. And for the record, I doubt any of us began working on ourselves with ONLY personal growth as our motive, when our own M's got in trouble. Most of us started out with the motive of "getting WAS back" and making the M work, and then when we relaxed a bit, or took our breath, we THEN became aware that other things/people exist and that we really do only have one life on this planet. Taking personal inventory is a big step and was not the first step most of us took when we were in your shoes. So don't feel weak when you say you aren't there yet, b/c you will get there when you see that the counter-productive results of doing otherwise, are enough to outweigh your need for immediate reassurance.
If your life were a novel, who would be writing it? How is it going? What about the next chapter? Point is, the author of your life/book, is YOU (and God). Not your h or ow or the weather in China... so, be the author of Your life. It's all you truly have any control over. All other "control" is an illusion. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Lin and 25 - you are both very intuitive women on human emotion and you are impressive...J, I am female.
Tam - I believe that your marriage was sound at first....you got a man, legally...the child fulfilled her need...but she wanted more - control...
Here's what to do to help yourself...go back to the earliest you can - try to remember everything you can about your life up until you met your husband...every detail...do this over and over...as you pull up the history...you might be able to find out the dysfunction...hide and seek - no one came to get you...mother/father walked away from you, in a public place, you felt left behind...maybe you locked yourself in a closet, no one heard you scream...it can be that simplistic. It could be the death of a role-model, grandparent, pet...search.
You'll be fine...catch up on your work...focus on your history.
I'm at a conference tomorrow so I won't be on until next week... you are in great hands with the ladies...they will keep you in line...have a great weekend...smile - it will work out...
Lying has actually always been an issue with him. I would say that, in general as you say, he told the truth, but he has also pulled out some pretty horrendous lies since I've known him. In fact, when I very first met him, he told me he was 21 years old. Well, we went to a liquor store, and the clerk asked to see his ID, and he wasn't 21 yet! Seems silly now, but it started from the get-go. Some lies have been unimportant in the big scheme of life; some have been very important.
I understand completely what you're saying about my actions causing different actions from him. I started to read I think it's Michele's book about that... can't think of the name of it right now. Something like how to get what you want from your man... At any rate, I understand from reading that book what you are saying. The dynamics need to change, which can start with just me - WHEN we are ready to work on this. I understand that now is not the time to be working on our M/R. However, I CAN apply these same principles to the current dynamics that we do have...
BTW, as you said, I honestly did not go ballistic when H told me (finally) that it was the OW. I went ballistic when he lied to me. Once he told me it was her, I said it was fine but that he didn't need to lie to me about it. Once he was honest with me, I let it go. Although it hurts tremendously, I know she's calling him right now and that he's allowing it. My being upset was about him lying to me, not that she called. But I understand what you're saying that even though I let it go when he told me the truth he might not be able/willing to separate the two issues involved and just sees me as going ballistic - period.
Thanks for your continued encouragement. This is so hard....
I understand what you're saying about assuming, Lin. However, I am very intuitive and "detective-like" in my ways... Remember that I have made it unfortunately a habit to check whether he's shaved, what he's wearing, what is or is not up at the office, etc., etc. I have valid reasons to believe what I do. I'm not saying that it does me any good... right now it is what it is. Being away from him and the office will take these things away from me and will hopefully help me to not focus on them so much which in turn will hopefully help me to continue more quickly and effectively along my own journey.
As far as the first paragraph you quoted that I wrote, I know you're probably going to say that I'm prying/pushing/etc. The difficulty is that H does not participate in conversations about us. When we talk about us, for the most part it consists of me asking questions and him answering them - that's it. He doesn't offer any information nor actively participate in the conversation. It's really frustrating and one of the main things I/we need to work on. I simply don't know how to carry on a "normal" conversation with him wherein we both actively participate. Business conversations are great; personal conversations are horrible.
He has told me that he knows I have a right to know what's going on and to talk about it and that I should be able to do that but that it's just so hard for him. He said he can focus for 10 or 15 minutes on personal talks but then just shuts down after that...
Thanks, 25, for making me not feel so "alone" in my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it's so hard because most of you have already been through this, and you can look back on it and see what you did that finally made the difference, etc., and you get frustrated seeing me struggle and do the wrong things. It helps to know that you once DID feel the way I feel on some of these issues...
I know I am the only one I have control over. Part of my "control" issues though are that if only I can somehow change me that it will influence those around me when I am not getting what I want. H and I used to be very happy. I can't directly control how he feels about me now, but my psyche tells me that if I can only become the woman he wants to be with that I can get him to love me again. Is that a form of control, or is it simply working on one's self to find love again and to help someone else to find love again as well?
Hey, Virginia. Thanks. I don't know whether "good" is the word. Let's just say I'm more regularly avoiding meltdowns... which in and of itself is a good thing.
H called again this afternoon, and I let it go to voicemail. He was asking about some money issues to pay bills and whatnot. He said in this voicemail message, too, to leave him a message about it or whatnot. It's almost like he's waiting for me to go back to "Vegas mode" where I recorded voicemail messages and sent them to him rather than calling him... At any rate, he sent me an e-mail as well. I responded to the e-mail and then listened to the voicemail message, which was about the same issues, so I didn't call him back. When he sent me the e-mail, at the end he said "talk soon" and put three little emoticons - one smiling, one with shades on, and one winking... That was nice. My reply back was short and to the point. We exchanged a few more short e-mails about the same topic, and he said thanks on the last one, and I didn't respond back. I'm working on it...
I got all of the boxes finished today as far as unpacking them and organizing things at my home office, so tomorrow I should hopefully be able to dive in and get a lot of work done. I'm going to take it easy on myself and just do what I feel like, as this transition is still hard. I'm going to allow myself to ease into it. It feels good to have everything unpacked.
It honestly does feel so much better to not have the anxiety pangs throughout the day from the things I talked about before that I experienced when I was at the office... I miss him, but I think the hurt I felt when I was at the office outweighs missing him right now. It hurts so much to interact with your H daily when you know he is with another woman... I told him the other day that our interactions were hard on me and that it was hard for me to be at the office. He asked if it was the same as it being hard for him to be at home...???? I don't know why it's hard for him to be home - guilt? If we are going to work on things, I would think he would WANT to be home... I don't understand, but I'm fairly certain it is for very different reasons that we feel uncomfortable...
At any rate, I am hanging in there... no major meltdowns since I've been home - just the major backslides on Monday.
So I just finished getting ready for the meeting tonight. Gotta go run some errands before I go, so will head off for now. I'll let you know how tonight goes. I dressed up nice and will be upbeat all night!!!! You're going to miss me if you leave me, sucker!!!! Hee-hee!
You're going to miss me if you leave me, sucker!!!! Hee-hee!