I was saying that porn was a problem (when it was) because it was a cause of neglect.
I'm confused by this. Did porn used to be a problem in your M?
I have a different interpretation of those promises than you do, probably for self-serving reasons. So far it hasn't blown up in my face. Yet.
What is your interpretation of the promises? When you say that your interpretation hasn't blown up in your face yet, it made me wonder if your W has any idea about your porn activity? Speaking specifically of your porn activity, would you classify it as a habit?
Would you say that a spouse that looked for "loopholes" in the agreement would make you feel less secure about his commitment?
Um, yes. Wouldn't it for you?
Would you say that a spouse that wholeheartedly embraced monogomay and interpreted it broadly would make you feel more secure even though it meant he held you to the same standard? Would it make you feel more secure because he held you to the same standard?
This is a tough question for me because it gets really close to my history. The ultimate answer though, is yes it would make me feel more secure to have a spouse that wholeheartedly embraced monogomy, although I don't know it would make me secure because he held me to the same standard. It would make me feel secure because it would be apparent it is a topic he's thought about enough to have a strong opinion and that kind of a strong opinion lessens the chance that he'd break my heart. = security.
Should you embrace lack of physical and aesthetic variety as an integral and desirable part of marriage
I honestly don't see any other way to look at it. That's what M is, that's what love is. You find THE person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. And then you do. Why would you want to dwell on the idea that you can't have variety anymore.....it seems to me that if you are even inclined to dwell on that, you weren't ready to get married in the first place, kwim?
To address this issue in my own life, I've thought a lot about just changing the things about me that I'd like to change. I've thought along the lines of 'maybe if I'm completely happy with what I see in the mirror, I won't care about what H is doing'. But I know that it isn't true. I shouldn't have to be perfect to be respected, to be cherished above all others. I love guys, I love the way they look, smell. But I don't get online and try to find naked pictures of them! I just don't get where that's respectable, I'd be embarrassed honestly.
About the girls seeming like they are having the time of their lives.....getting fukced is a job for them, it's their JOB. Do you know many people who describe going to work as the 'time of their life'? Didn't think so. And most people don't even have to endure cum on their face from a stranger as part of their job. Come on, there are damn few people in the world that would honestly consider that to be the time of their lives. If you want to honestly see someone have the time of their lives, arrange a special date night for you wife and treat her like the special person that she is to you. Tell her, show her. And look in her eyes. There it is.
Last edited by heatherg; 04/19/0703:04 AM.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
I go on to check my email and look around, (yeh, I know I shouldn't) and he's been watching porn.....I was sooo mad. I don't even mind porn, we used to watch it together, but that he can't be bothered with me but still getting off on porn is making my blood boil.
Ok, first off...why shouldn't you look around on YOUR computer? It belongs to BOTH of you. If your H is neglecting you sexually and turning to porn it's a problem...and I'm not surprised it makes your blood boil. It did mine too!!!
FWIW, my H turned to porn on the computer (behind my back) for the first few years of our marriage....all the while neglecting me sexually and rejecting me.
If you are available to your H sexually and he is rejecting you in favor of the computer, or even turning to it AFTER you have sexual encounters there's a serious issue here that needs to be addressed.
I would actually suspect that there is more going on than meets the eye. Are you familiar with what a keylogger is? If not, get familiar, install one on your computer. Find out the real extent of what he's doing, so you know exactly what you are dealing with. Is it simply just him looking at porn sites...OR...is he going out to places like AFF (Adult Friend Finder) and hooking up with people that way online? Honestly, you need to know, one way is simply viewing....the other very often leads to actual interaction (viewing webcams of people in YOUR area, IM'ing, e-mails....and then some people end up meeting too). That's why I say, you need to find out what you are truly dealing with.
The reason I suggest the keylogger is his real lack of affection. I noticed (looking back) that my H shut down toward me physically and emotionally when he was visiting AFF and getting his sexual fix there. When he did that there was absolutely no need for him to be intimate with me on any level...because he already had his needs met, while mine went by the wayside and I grew angrier and more resentful each passing day.
GEL, have you had problems forgiving your H? It seems like you sort of glided right through the issue once you found out about what he was doing and confronted him. From what I remember, it sounded like he came clean, was sorry and you forgave him and that was it. I'm sure it was more difficult than that, but it did seem to go pretty smoothly overall for you.
Do you still find it difficult or have you pretty much put it behind you? Do you still check up on him? Do you get jealous? I am curious if your only issue was that he was neglecting you. If you guys had a good sex life, would you have any problems with a porn habit on the side?
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
I was saying that porn was a problem (when it was) because it was a cause of neglect.
I'm confused by this. Did porn used to be a problem in your M?
No, neglect was a problem. Porn was just one of the things I was doing while hiding from the world.
Originally Posted By: heatherg
I have a different interpretation of those promises than you do, probably for self-serving reasons. So far it hasn't blown up in my face. Yet.
What is your interpretation of the promises? When you say that your interpretation hasn't blown up in your face yet, it made me wonder if your W has any idea about your porn activity? Speaking specifically of your porn activity, would you classify it as a habit?
She knows I look at porn, although I'm not sure if she knew the extent of it. I would call it a habit, although I'm spending much less time with it as I devote more time to work, family, and exercise.
Originally Posted By: heatherg
About the girls seeming like they are having the time of their lives.....getting fukced is a job for them, it's their JOB. Do you know many people who describe going to work as the 'time of their life'? Didn't think so.
A few people have such a job, not many. Of course most people do boring things like sit in a cubicle or work in the hot sun all day for a living and only a few get fun jobs like playing sports or getting laid. But those might get boring too after a while.
Originally Posted By: heatherg
And most people don't even have to endure cum on their face from a stranger as part of their job. Come on, there are damn few people in the world that would honestly consider that to be the time of their lives.
I've always thought that was kind of retarded, although I do hear a surprising number of people do that sort of thing for fun. There's videos that don't include that nonsense, though.
Originally Posted By: heatherg
If you want to honestly see someone have the time of their lives, arrange a special date night for you wife and treat her like the special person that she is to you. Tell her, show her. And look in her eyes. There it is.
Sounds like a plan.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Oh of course I still check up on him....we're just barely a year out from that. Building the trust back takes time and that's one of the few ways I can actively build trust. I have also worked very hard to give my H opportunities to help rebuild my trust...for the first couple of months that wasn't so easy-going, then he learned it really was better to just tell me the truth, now that's not an issue. Every now and then when I start triggering I will go ahead and reinstall the keylogger...ever since our Dday doing this has cleared him of my suspicion and my trigger everytime. Right now the keylogger is still on the computer but I don't feel the need to go check it, in fact I raraely do these days.
Yes, I have forgiven my H for what he did...but it wasn't as quickly as it might have appeared, but probably quicker than most might have. Why? Because once I figured out that he had a version of whore/madonna...I understood what was going on, that made it easier for me to forgive. AND...his own behaviors towards me aided in that forgiveness as well.
As for the porn issue. Honestly, if we had a good sex life prior to our Dday, no I wouldn't have had a big issue with "porn", I would still have had an issue with Adult Friend Finder though...that would never have been ok. However...if you are defining a "habit" as my H having sex with me and then going off and cruising porn sites...yes, that I would have an issue with as well, that would feel like a slap in my face. As if, what we just shared, what I just gave him...wasn't good enough. Porn in my view is something that should be an occasional thing, not a regular ocurrence.
I just want to throw in here that one source of "variety" in a relationship has nothing to do with different hair color, eye color, body shape. It has to do with what Schnarch calls "shades of meaning" in sex. If your sex life provided adequate shades of meaning - fun sex, raunchy sex, angry sex, freindly sex, romantic sex - props, no props, different moods, smells, lingerie, nudity, naughty language, silence, music, no music,positions, types of sex etc...then "variety" may cease to be such an issue. Guess what - that sort of variety is your responsibility too. Also, if you were done basking in the afterglow and got interested again - did you ever think of seeing if your partner was interested in round 2?
Hear, hear!! I would have huge issues if I ever found out H was interested in porn, but that's just me.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
If your sex life provided adequate shades of meaning - fun sex, raunchy sex, angry sex, freindly sex, romantic sex - props, no props, different moods, smells, lingerie, nudity, naughty language, silence, music, no music,positions, types of sex etc
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I have learned that you just have to put it all out there, whether you're comfortable w/ it all or not. Maybe I was just willing to do anything to save my M, but ended up liking it!!!??? I used to have HUGE issues w/ being self-conscious, my self esteem, probably doing certain 'things' would be considered 'dirty' and that would make me 'dirty,' but I have actually gotten past all of that now and it is so very worth it. The best part is not only have I gotten past all the hang-ups, but I actually enjoy it and enjoy ML now and enjoy pleasuring my H and getting pleasure in return.
It's so worth it!!
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Actually, I'm all for just about anything, its my W who isn't.
Sex is not fun, its not adventurous, thre are no props, only a few positions, must be done with minimal physical effort, only after everything else that needs to be done is done that day, get it over with as quickly as possible so I can sleep.
That is why I said One of my biggest fears is that my SL will never be any of those possibilities that Karen mentioned. And I don't think it is a gloom and doom, unfounded fear either.
But I'll quit whining, doesn't do anyone any good, except that maybe doing it here I won't do it at home.
Chrome
Last edited by chromosphere; 04/19/0710:34 PM.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
