And he will HAVE to change some things in order for us to work out, ie the whole lying issue.
I want to tell you something and hope you understand...sometimes what one person does...leads another to do something they normally wouldn't do under different circumstances...
Now think about that and apply it to your marriage...as I did mine because lying was a HUGE issue to me also...my H told me there are reasons that he lied...not that it was right...just reasons...1)He was unhappy but didn't want to hurt me 2)He didn't want to face my reaction to the truth 3)He wanted to wait till a "better" time
What drove him to lying was the all the little things that made him unhappy...so now as long as he is happy...and I use that as a relative term....there is no reason to lie to me...thus I can begin to trust..
If your husband was generally honest with you BEFORE the unhappiness started then feel assured that he will be honest again...
There is no way to get someone to promise never to lie again...but if you create the circumstances where he feels safe then it should not be an issue...he continues to lie because of the reasons my husband stated...and what happened when you found out it was her???...you went balistic!...thus confirming again his "need" to lie...
Now I know your going to say that it was BECAUSE he lied and not because it was "her"....but he has no way to KNOW that for sure now...all he knows is she called, he didn't want you to know because of 1,2, or 3 above, so he lied, you pushed, found out the "truth" and....you went balistic with the TRUTH!...that is how he sees it...
Now when you get to a point in your M/R where he feels safe...and he can TRUST YOU...he will test you out...he will be honest...or possibly even do an opposite lie (my term for lying about something to see if he can upset you)...and then watch your reaction...depending on what happens then will greatly effect if he continues to move closer in feeling safe and trusting or if he retreats...but you know...a person will only retreat so many times before they figure it is a lost cause, you won't change, they don't see an end to the frustrations...
Because unless someone has a true mental problem...no one wants to lie...lying is a means of self preservation in most cases...
Think about that and it will probably help you go far in seeing how your actions can and will effect your H's reactions and ultimately his actions...
I think it is good that you are not "relying" so heavily on the Xanax...it might be that the others are finally up to speed in your system and keeping you feeling more level...it also could be that you are finally "getting it"...
Keep focusing on you...keep seeking ways to GAL during your non-work hours...keep looking for ways to improve yourself...the things you value in others should be things that you posses..I noticed that you listed a lot of positives about yourself the other day and that is good...sometimes...and I do mean sometimes...it helps for us to look at our negatives...but only one at a time...and work on them...this was pretty much how I went about things...you can get too overwhelmed if you try a "total make-over" all at once...sort of like dieting...to be successful it really has to become a way of life that you can live with...
So onward and upward...you are sounding so much better (sans the fallout the other night)....just keep going...with momentum everything gets easier...
