Could Use Some Input Over here

[RedHeadWife]

No, I agree, I don't want to be walking on egg shells for the rest of my life, however, like I said, we have been piecing for such a short period of time I don't necessarily know if H is where he needs to be yet for us to talk about R. The problem is that our sitch is different in that he's leaving, you see? But, at the same time, I don't want to rush things just b/c he is leaving and mess up my DB'ing and piecing efforts before things have settled. (truly do appreciate you guys!!!!)

[Cissy]

I would be, too afraid to bring anything up if things are going well, and if the affair seems to be ended, that would be a negative for him. As you saying in a previos post about how she feels about him, if she still seems to be pursuing him, you better believe she still wants him.

Actions always speak louder than words. And as for him sending her flowers cause' she's just a friend... BS... the H would let you know and say let's send so and so some flowers because blah blah blah, you know. It wouldn't be a big secret.

Hang in there I know it is getting harder for you. take care. Will check back later.
Cissy

[RedHeadWife]

Trust me, sweetie, I didn't go for the flower excuse, although at least he didn't say "Love, H" on the card which he could have b/c he had no idea that I would ever find out about them or that the florist would actually read the card to me!!!

I'm just going to play it by ear as to what, if anything, I end up talking to him about and when.

He did call call me this p.m. to let me know he couldn't meet me for lunch, however, asked if "everything was alright" in a concerned manner (I don't usually ask him to meet me @ home for lunch -- he should have I was gonna blow his socks off Anyway, said ILY when we got off the phone, etc. I think I'm letting myself get caught up in the drama again and need to re-focus my energies -- obviously on myself, my M for the next 2 wks and the boys. Then, once he's gone, I'll figure out how to DB long distance and hopefully all will go well.

Like I said, he's been talking long-term stuff now -- about the ranch we want, saving $$ while he's gone, like he never dropped the D bomb; it's kind of surreal sometimes. I just don't think he realizes how much damage an EA can do to our M or maybe I'm thinking there is more to it than there is. I can only wait & see what happens.

[Heywyre]

I understand that you don't want to bring things up if he is not where "he needs to be" but what about where YOU need to be?

And, will he be "where he needs to be" a year from now. He will wonder WTH is she bringing this up for now and do you REALLY think you will be able to have any type of decent discussion regarding your R when he is away?

Sorry, but if it were me, there is no way I could let it go a whole year. I appreciate all the posters on here but one size doesn't necessarily fit all and you have to do what is best for YOU

[RedHeadWife]

Ok, so here's the update: I wasn't going to talk to him last night b/c I had decided I wanted to wait until after today, as it is my bday, to see what he got me. Hoping for a mushy ILY card, but alas, no, a joke card that said "Wife, what would I do w/o you? (inside) I don't know, but I would probably do it in a shirt that didn't match my pants." The reason for wanting a mushy card was at Valentine's Day, we were "kind of" together and he had told me that over the years he had gotten to the point of NOT wanting to get me those types of cards.

Anyway, we were going to bed last night and he started talking about leaving and that it was finally hitting him, etc. Tears began to stream down my face. He said he now thinks about things he never thought of before he was a dad . . . and a husband and people who actually depend on HIM. Anyway, when he came to bed I asked if we could talk a little bit SO I sat on the bed facing him and, again, w/ tears streaming down my face, but not sobbing or anything, I just asked "Are WE going to be ok?" His response was "I think so?" Kind of like a question back to me like "don't YOU think we are ok?" or "don't YOU think we are going to be ok" "what do YOU think." I then asked "what about your 'friend.' Do I need to feel threatened by her any longer?" He said "no" instantly. I then asked "why don't you wear your ring?" and he responded that he guessed he had just gotten in the habit of not wearing it, that w/ all the yard work, etc. he had been taking it off b/c it had actually given him a callus on his hand and held it out for me to see/feel.

He held me for quite awhile after that and kissed me and kissed me a few times on the top of the head, etc. (No ML as he showed me yesterday that w/ all of our 'action' lately, he is actually a bit chapped. Probably tonight)

Ok, for my bday, I got the above card and a CD case. Not real romantic, but he seemed to think the CD case was pretty cool, so whatever. I can't expect EVERYTHING over night, right?

[Heywyre]

CD34 - men think appliances are "kewl" gifts so don't take it personally. The main thing is he actually thought of you, bought a card AND a gift and you had your talk (nothing too deep but it was sufficient)

I would say, all in all, it was a pretty good day

[RedHeadWife]

I know. I was actually, as wierd as this sounds, thinking about you last night and knowing you would be proud that I actually talked to him.

In the convo, I also told him that I had been scared to talk to him about stuff and his facial expression was one of surprise and maybe even concern over the fact that I felt this way.

I definitely think we are on our way to better places & times in our M. We obviously will have hard times, especially since he is going to be gone, but I am hopeful that it is just going to make us stronger in the long run.

Oh, and NOP, when you read this, can you do me a favor? There's a girl, Cissy, over in "infidelity" w/ a huge A problem going on w/ her H. Maybe you could give her some of your famous A advice thanks

[NOPkins]

Hi, Cadesmom.

You did good on the conversation with hubby. That was very brave of you.

I will check into Cissy's story.

All the best,
-NOPkins-

[25yearsmlc]

Cmom,

you did well and those are the images (maybe not the tears, etc.) he can take with him when he leaves. My brother is in Iraq now and comes home next month. His letters and emails have shown a lot of growth and insight, and he's just my brother. Sometimes, absence makes the heart grow fonder, and Not wander. While he is gone, he can have an EA with YOU.
j-

[RedHeadWife]

Hey 25yrs! Hope you are doing well! I think the tears, as I wasn't hysterical (and not that I was doing anything for show or anything) just allowed him to see how very much this has all hurt me and still is. Yeah, I guess I'm going to have to learn to talk dirty on the phone or something

Thanks, NOP, it was hard, but I'm glad I did it. I already feel so much more comfortable w/ him -- I guess I was more like walking on broken glass than egg shells & didn't even know it.