I've been gone for a bit. Things really went sideways in my life. Struggled with depression, got some help for that. I think I did a lot of damage to my R though, while in the midst of the depression. Basically I couldn't stop myself from talking non-stop about our R and how wrong she was for wanting a D. I did have a phone consultation with Jody prior to this and then recently another with Chuck after realizing I had some issues going on and needed some help. I got help for my depression and then contacted Virginia right away to book another consult, this time Jody wasn't available right away so they sent me to Chuck.
I'm still working hard at DB'ing. As recently as Tuesday the W told me how much she can't do this anymore, has nothing left to give and I just need to let her go. She said she doesn't want to wait another 6 months or a year for her feelings towards me to change. She said its hard, and she doesn't want to do it any longer. This conversation came about because I made the mistake of asking her how she was feeling. I was talking about her stomach, (she has been complaining that her stomach is killing her any time she eats or thinks, ie; our R is making her sick). I noticed she was reserved and had her hand on her stomach, so I asked how she was feeling. Big mistake, I really knew it was a mistake when the first thing out of her mouth in response was, "you know what is wrong between us, I can't do this, I don't want to do this, I would be better off alone". All I could think was you gotta be kidding me, I was doing good avoiding R talk since the last blowout on Saturday, (which took the same route, from a different starting point) and I wasn't even thinking about our R, I was wondering how she was feeling physically. I was genuinely confused at first because I was expecting a; my stomach hurts or I'm okay type response regarding her stomach. Not a; our R sucks and is killing me response.
I'm focussed on doing the things Chuck recommened. Making sure that every time we have contact she walks away feeling good about it, that it was a positive. I'm looking for the good in things around me. I'm being a better parent/father. Doing the things that put a pep in my step, that make me happy. I'm watching more comedy, reading more funny stuff, anything that will make me laugh, it relieves stress and I feel a lot better. I was already working out, then I got hurt at work so I had to slow down a bit until my knee is better. Its been almost 3 months of physical therapy, hopefully no surgery. I'm going up against her strongly held beliefs that, 1) she knows me and 2) I'll never change, what changes she does see aren't real.
She has actually said those two things to me numerous times, verbartim. The thing she says the most is that she can see the changes but its too late and they aren't real, its me really trying but I'm not truly changed. It was wild to hear Chuck tell me the things she was or would say to me because he was dead on. That helped because at least I know I'm not alone, similar to Jen_Jam's WAS dictionary thread. The things they say are similar and we aren't alone in hearing them. Others have heard this and perservered. So can I.
So there you have it. The abyss of depression is behind me, I never want to go there again. Did I destroy any shred of my marriage that was left? I sincerely hope not. I know I am committed to my best effort ever. I visualize her coming out from behind that wall that has been built between us and hanging out with me. I visualize her one day tearing that wall down and allowing herself to open up to me again.
I know this much. I don't need her, that is true. I thought I did and it messed me all up. I now know that the truth is, I want her, I would like her to be in my life, I would like our family to be whole, our kids relaxed and centered knowing their life and home is a sure thing. Those are things I would like to have happen, those are things that would be ideal, but life will go on either way.
