New Thread for 2940!!!!!

[2940831]

Lin!!!!! I'm so glad you're back. I was worried that you had abandoned me...

I hear what you're saying about H coming home too soon. I'm really sad that you're having such a hard time right now with your situation. You are such a wonderful, kind, caring person, and it's frustrating to hear that you are having these continuing struggles. I hope your H will get the help it sounds like he needs. Is he looking for a job still? Maybe that will help once he's working again? I will be thinking about you and sending good thoughts your way.

At this point, who knows when H will consider coming home... When that time comes, we'll see where I am at in my own journey and go from there. I appreciate your letting me know what is going on in your life so that I can learn from it. Right now, I think my H is just so confused that he doesn't know which way is even up anymore... I hope this time away from him will help him get some clarity and realize what he will be missing if he leaves for good. I know that I AM a good person and can be the wife he wants. I hope he wakes up soon and gets rid of the OW - his "bandaid..."

The other night when we had the big blowout, OW called around 10:30 that night. I heard his phone vibrating and asked him what that sound was. He said it was the computer... (whatever) Since this was during my freak show session, I decided I was angry that he was continuing to lie to me, as I was positive that it was most likely OW calling (who else would call him so late?). So we went the rounds, and I told him that I would rather him tell me the truth and be honest than to lie to me, that when he does come home that that is the only way that this is going to work. He absolutely has to learn to stop lying to me about this stuff. I'm not stupid, and he makes me feel that way when he continually lies. At any rate, he FINALLY admitted that it was her. So, my point is that maybe she is starting to chase him (with phone calls at 10:30 at night???) Don't know for sure... But, as far as I know, H did NOT go to her house that night (surprisingly, after my freak show session...) Maybe she will start with the questioning/smothering now. I often wonder (I know I shouldn't and that in the end it doesn't really matter) what she thinks/he tells her about he and I??? I cannot even imagine "dating" a married man... How could one deal with that? Especially when she knows that he works with me on a daily basis? Maybe he tells her that it's only a matter of time before he will leave me... Or maybe he tells her that he's already talked to me about this and that we're just staying married for the business... I just can't imagine how she can deal with this situation. Maybe it's just a casual fling for her and doesn't really matter anyway... Who knows. Obviously he is the biggest culprit for doing what he has done. Afterall, HE is the married one. He lies to me continually about things, so I'm sure he does the same to her. He says he doesn't want to hurt anyone, which I appreciate, but in our situation, he has lied one too many times, and there is just no way I will ever be able to trust him again if he does not learn how to be honest with me, no matter whether it hurts me or not.

Anyway, I went off on a tangent there... As I said, I know it doesn't matter what's going on with them and that it is what it is. It's just hard to comprehend I guess. Their future seemed to be doomed from the beginning, yet their relationship continues. Maybe it is just casual for both of them... Who knows...

[HeartScared]

Hello Tam,

So I see you had a horrible fall out with your H. You gave a bit of details regarding him getting a phone call at 10:30. Is it possible that he might have just said it was her to get you off his back? It is highly possible that is what happened. Considering the buisiness you two have it could have been anyone. Maybe he had plans to meet a friend for a drink. It could have been a parent. Did he show you the phone? So still you do not know who it is and you do not need to know either. He was standing in front of you. So who cares who it was?

You are still overanalyzing. I know this is where you should come to do it. But I am worried you let your mind go a million miles a minute ALL DAY LONG. I used to do the same thing. It is getting more managable for me though. Today when I was at the grocery I got all upset, over nothiong really. Just my own emotions getting the best of me. You see its highly likely my H is having a MLC all the signs are there. Its hard because there is nothing I can really do to help him. Is see him wrestle with his own emotions and past everyday. I just have to have patience and pray for him. In my marriage my H has always been my rock. He could pull me out of my pity parties and help me see the rational side of things. Now it is my turn to be his rock, and unlike me he needs his space.

You have to be strong right now too. Remember you are not the only one. A lot of us are finding ourselves having to be the strength for our marriages. My hear goes out to Lin. She is having a tuff time with her spouse. It is so hard when your H is dealing with mental conflicts that block us out.

You have to channel all that energy you use in the over analyzing and thinking and assuming somewhere else. It is not helping you where you are channeling it now. Right now all the energy is going down a destructive path. Now it is time to channel that energy elsewhere. You need a release. You may need to try something new. I picked up a copy of the Power of a Praying Wife. It is my positive channel. No matter how good or bad my day goes due to my own mental state. I have these prayers I can say to help aleviate that excessive energy. Since I have had this book, I am finally sleeping better. I can get rest. I have not been really sleeping in awhile now. You also need something to give you some peace. Whatever it may be, please find something. That energy can be used in a much much more powerful and positive way. You need something new. Find something new. with the praying I know I am working on my relationship. My H does not need to know now or ever really, I know though. I know I am working on it.

I find in reading your posts you want H to know your every move. He does not need to know your taking time to think. Just take it. Leave some mystery. He does not need to know why you are not talking to him. It does not matter. Your just not.

Take care,

HS.

[2940831]

Thanks, HS. Great to hear from you again.

Is it possible that he might have just said it was her to get you off his back?

No. I asked him to see his phone, and he wouldn't let me. If it was a friend or business associate, parent, etc, he would have just told me that. I have no doubt that it was her. And it's okay that it was; it just makes me angry that he continues the lies.

I am going to work on channeling my energy towards getting caught up on the business stuff. I'm still having a hard time concentrating at home, but it's better than it was at the office for the most part. I think it will just take some time and patience to get adjusted to the transition.

I didn't talk to H at all yesterday. He called this morning. I let it go to voicemail. He just asked a few questions and told me I could call and leave him a message about the questions. I started to record a message to just send to his phone but then decided to just call him instead. He answered his phone, and we went through some business stuff. We talked for about 10 minutes and then got off the phone. No R/M stuff, nothing about our blowout. We have a real estate meeting tonight (a big group meeting, not just the two of us). I told him I had forwarded him via e-mail the reminder message about the meeting tonight. He said he is planning on going. He's going to bring me my mail from the office. So, we'll see how that goes tonight. Just even talking to him on the phone gave me anxiety pangs again. It's just so hard. I guess it is for the better that I have distanced myself from him from that perspective. I just pray that he will miss me...

[25yearsmlc]

Tam,

amen to Lin and HS's words. It is from our own experience that we are advising you. Taking him back too soon, IF it comes up as an option, will likely be ultimately fatal to the M. In my M, I am joining my H late this summer after d18 is settled into school and other loose ends are tied. Meanwhile we visit often. BUT my H and I both have seen a mc before and during the sep and ESPECIALLY NOW, I need my mc to be with H and I so that we have a laid out strategy for avoiding the pitfalls that had undermined our M the past few years.

This is yet another stage of the WORK required. I could not just forget about the past 2 years, I don't have amnesia. But as long as I believe my H has changed and is making US his priority, and as long as I don't cross my arms, emotionally, to him, I think we'll be alright. But look at my timeline.... "Love is patient...."

MY biggest regret, and God knows I have many of them, is that I stalled my own growth with my anger and obsessing. That stalled other things and had it not been for my dbing, it would have ended the M in all probability. You need to assume your H is unreachable b/c he's in Iraq, MIA, or the Australian Bush or whatever it takes to NOT contact him other than business. Work on and for YOU. ANd since you WILL see him on occasion, and you WILL be upbeat, it won't take more than a few of those sightings, before he KNOWS you are not pining for him. Silence is much more powerful at this stage, than you calling him to tell him you are not always thinking of him.....really.
Do you see this?
j-

[2940831]

Yes, that makes sense. Thanks, 25. Will do. It is much easier being at home to let him be right now. I still find myself worrying about what/how he is doing and what time he is spending with her, where he's sleeping, etc., but it's not as "in my face" anymore, if that makes sense.

I will dress nice for tonight's meeting and will be upbeat.

I understand what you're saying about him coming home too soon. How will I know when the time IS right?

Also, at this point H refuses to see any sort of M counselor or get any outside help. I know that everyone has to work on their M's in their own way, which doesn't always have to mean getting counseling. But how in the world do I help him to make the changes he has to make without him getting his own help? I guess it all goes back to the fact that it only takes one person to turn over the first domino and to cause different reactions from those around us based on our OWN actions. I can only pray to be able to learn enough on my own to be able to initiate those changes.

BTW, I haven't taken a Xanax in I don't even remember how long! My crying spells have lessened. I am still taking the Wellbutrin and Buspar (sp?) and on occasion the sleeping pills. I think the medication has helped to even me out a little bit and calm me down some - or maybe (hopefully) it's ME that has done that...

[HeartScared]

Also, at this point H refuses to see any sort of M counselor or get any outside help. I know that everyone has to work on their M's in their own way, which doesn't always have to mean getting counseling. But how in the world do I help him to make the changes he has to make without him getting his own help? I guess it all goes back to the fact that it only takes one person to turn over the first domino and to cause different reactions from those around us based on our OWN actions. I can only pray to be able to learn enough on my own to be able to initiate those changes.

WHY on earth are you worried about HIS changes right now???? You have to focus on you FIRST. You can only control you right now and ever. Not him.

See you are falling back into the controling wife routine. That is what got you here woman. STOPPPPPP!!!!!!

You are not healed, you are wounded, you have things you need to fix in yourself, how can something broken fix something else that is broken? It can't

You need to reread the DB books. You need to get the Power of a praying wife. Both books explicitly say that change in a marriage starts with you. It starts with you the wife in this sitch. You have to change before you can expect any changes anywhere else.

You have to develop self discipline, selflessness and unconditional love for your husband.

What that means is you love him in such a way that you DO NOT try to change him. You accept him for who he is. Now if God sees fit he will change your H. However according to the Power of a Praying Wife and the DB book, the change will start with you first, it is starting with me first, it is starting with those of us on this board.

HS

[HeartScared]

Congrats on the Xanax.

[25yearsmlc]

2940,

RE: Do not worry about when the time is "right" b/c it may never come, first off. IF it does come, you will be reconciling for love and commitment, and not guilt or fear of being alone. My timeline is "mine" so I don't know how long yours will be. IOW, I don't know what space/time your H needs right now to "find himself" and I'm unclear about the whole A issue and the M, issue. IS he with her but confused, or saying he is not with her but needs space, etc. What is the status of what he SAYS?
Regardless, if the time does come, that you two can fully recommit, it will be a minimum of months, or more, imho. Sorry, the only stats I have are that the "average" affair lasts 6 months, the MLC's lasts a few years - although not all of MLC's totally affect the M, some switch careers, geographic moves, etc.
The only thing I feel strongly about right now is that NOW is NOT the time...

As HS just said, you are STILL PRIMARILY focussed on HIM....let him go for now.

YOU are the one with a gaping chest wound that needs to heal...and you are stalling/preventing your own growth, health AND happiness by continuing to focus on him. If working at home keeps you apart, that is good, BUT you need also to be around others and or doing something to keep your mind from swirling in a negative vortex. You are making progress, but keep at it. This is not easy. But if you want to "Become a woman only a fool would leave", then you need to GAL and be someone who contributes to a R, not as an accessory or satellite revolving around the "other", nor as an insecurity fed controller... Many of us have been there, done that. Don't take this a criticism per se.

More of wanting to just take your face in our hands, look in your eyes and say "PLEASE GAL" and "You Will Make It With OR Without Your H"...life is short, so work on you. The idea of how you can make him want counselling, or go, or blah blah blah-- is an illusion anyhow. You never had control over him and never will. The issue is whether you will let your fears control you.
j-

[2940831]

Thanks, HS. I should have clarified - I KNOW right now is not the time to make any changes in us/him/our R. I was just thinking ahead to when he does come home. I know that we have to fix what was broken in order to work things out permanently, and that is going to take a commitment to change on BOTH of our behalves, not just me. But, I realize it most likely will need to start with me, and when the time comes to work on our R, I will do that. That's what I was meaning about the domino effect, that change in our M can begin with change from only one person, which will be me. And he will HAVE to change some things in order for us to work out, ie the whole lying issue. This really is not negotiable. I do love him for who he is, but just as I need to make some positive changes for myself, he will as well in order for this to work. As Michele says, if you don't fix what was broken to get you here, you will find yourself here again. His lies could bring us here again. I'm not trying to control him, just am stating that it is going to take both of us to really want to make this work in order for us to come out ahead of this whole thing.

As for now, I do realize that all I should/can work on is ME. It will be easier now that I am at home, and I will continue to work on me and what I CAN control right now.

[2940831]

Thanks, 25.

and I'm unclear about the whole A issue and the M, issue. IS he with her but confused, or saying he is not with her but needs space, etc. What is the status of what he SAYS?

He has NOT moved all of his stuff out of our home. He has basically taken some clothes and toiletries (and he recently kept his golf clubs over there after going golfing one day). Everything else of his is still in our home. He tries to get me to believe that it's not as if he stays with her every single night, but I believe that he stays with her most nights. He works really long days and so only sees her when he does go over there for a few hours at night. Sometimes he spends more time with her (I believe) on some of the weekend days.

He has told me that he's "working on" getting back to us. I asked him if he had begun to talk to her about this, and he said that he's just been doing his own soul searching. I asked him what he has been thinking about, and then he said he's been working a lot, too, and has tried NOT to think about it. I asked him if he knew he wanted to give our M another chance why he didn't tell her that and at least START working on US. I asked if it was just because he didn't want to hurt anyone. He said he didn't want to talk about it...

He also told me the other night when we had our big blowout that he has been coming to the office late, around 11 or midnight, after I would be gone. This may be true on some nights, but for the most part, I know he has been staying with her.

So, 25, he doesn't really tell me much about what is going on. Most recently, he hasn't said that he is confused; he's said that he has decided that he wants to work on us. Yet, he continues to stay with her and NOT work on us. I don't know if she has some sort of control over him, whether he's scared to let her go and then not work things out with us and then not have her to go back to, etc. I did tell him the other day that when he does come home it's only going to work if he ends it with her and tells her that he's going to work on his M. I just can't deal with him coming home like he did last time when he just told her he was taking some time to think and was going on a trip, etc. It's like he wants to leave the door open for both of us right now, which isn't fair to either of us.

So, right now he is saying that we are going to work on things. That's all I know. I told him that I hoped he could understand that his actions are speaking otherwise. He said he could understand that but didn't offer any explanation for it.

So, at this point, your guess is as good as mine. You mentioned the 6 month mark for affairs. I believe their PA has been going on since around the end of October of last year, so we are approaching the 6 month mark already.

I know I need to work more on GALing. The problem is that I have gotten so far behind on my work, I don't feel like I have any spare time to GAL. 1210 has recommended that I keep to myself right now and get caught up on my work, that that will empower me.

"You Will Make It With OR Without Your H

I have to be honest and tell you that when people say things like this, it tears my heart out. I know it's true, but the thought of not being married anymore and not having my H and not making our marriage magical and getting through this DOES send me spiraling. I KNOW I will eventually be okay if this does not work out, but at this point, I don't even want to think of that as a possibility. Honestly, even though I know the changes I need to make will make me a better person, I'm just not to the point yet where I'm doing this just for me - I'm still doing this for H and our M primarily. I know those aren't the right reasons, but it's what my heart feels...