I've been away from here and busy putting things back together in my life. It's a slow process but it's moving along now. I have had to take a little break from the boards in part because the stories here make me very sad sometimes and I needed to focus on some positive things in order to get in a better frame of mind.
I do not have anything uplifting to report on about H. I do still maintain limited contact with him due to the financial arrangements of our sep. agreement. He does not reach out much anymore to talk to me, nor I him. When I do hear from him, he does not sound happy and I wonder, is he always like that, or is it that talking to me puts him in a very foul mood? I don't ask.
My health is good. I got a new job that I start soon. I'm taking a class at night to learn something new that may be an alternate source of income when I'm through. I spend a lot of time with my family. I'm meeting new people, and yes, even going out on dates sometimes. I never, ever though I would be able to do these things.
I guess to anyone that's new here, I'd like to say that I am sure I know exactly how you feel, because nearly 2 years ago now I was where you are and I did not think I could handle it. I spent a year + hoping, praying that my H would "snap out of it" and come back. He did not. I have to say, the majority of them do not. Yes, some spouses here are fortunate enough to restore their marriages but honestly, most have to move on. I am fairly sure that eventually my sep. will become a divorce. Come this summer, either my H or I can file for that. I know it will be difficult whenever it does happen, but I am not so naive anymore that I can't imagine it happening.
I'm not here to bring anyone's hopes down. I just want to tell those who hurt the most that you can eventually move on from all of this trauma. And that is what it is: life trauma. So I offer you hope that there is a better life situation awaiting you when you're ready for it. It took me a long time.
I am so grateful to those friends I made here; you've pulled me up when I was so far down I thought I would honestly die from the pain of this. I've not yet entirely healed (I still shed tears from time to time) but I'm better.
There is one thing that I wanted to share; something that I have been very upset about since I began pondering it. You all know that my H is depressed and in some kind of crisis that's been ongoing for 2 years or more. Early this year when he emotionally crashed one night he told me (in regards to his A) that he knew when he was doing it that it was never going to be anything substantial or long-term, but he lied to her and to everyone because of his illness. Those are his words. And now I sit here and wonder, did I mean that little to him that he walked away from me and threw away our life and marriage together for something he knew deep-down was not going to go anywhere?
I'm not sure how to put my feelings to rest about that.
I've got to run but I wanted to drop in and say hello. I'll try to check some threads later and catch up with all of you. Many hugs all around.
Hope
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
