Hi. I'm going to check out your sitch over on newcomers when I get a minute but wanted to make sure to say hi.
I don't think there's any hard and fast answer to your question (when they say "not in love" does it always mean an OW or OM?") but it sure hurts, whatever the case. Sorry you have to be going through this, too.
Many times I think they are seeking "something missing." Sometimes it's MLC, sometimes depression, or pent up frustration, or wanderlust, or fearing getting old.
I'm pretty sure in my H's case he said those words to me to give himself permission to sleep with someone else -- he set himself free, sort of, by declaring himself finished with me.
I railed against those words, fought with him, argued, cried, pleaded... he just turned his back on me and my pain. How could this be happening to us? We were the ideal couple!
But he had to do this, and I had to learn to let him go and focus on my goals. I picked up Michele's book DR last December, learned all I could about MLC, came to this BB, listened and learned. Though I was really skeptical that ANYTHING would work. Why should he give up a bachelor pad, raunchy pals, trips to Vegas, and freedom to meet and screw pretty women to come home to me?
Well, it's been a year of me DB-ing, changing my behaviors, "acting as if" and doing 180s, and my H is home and we are back together.
My whole story is over on MLC (he got into Internet porn, moved out, trashed me to his buddies, blah blah blah) -- I picked up the pieces and learned to behave differently. Wooed him back into my orbit by being nice, basically. It was SO HARD!!!! and he DIDN'T DESERVE IT!!!! but I stopped worrying about that and did it for ME.
I am very proud of myself for my diligence and "rising above" a lot of bad stuff.
I am also pleased as can be that I am once again his chosen one. I forgive my H for behaving badly toward me. Now, also, I see how my anger, outbursts, demands and insults contributed to our estrangement. Sure, you could say I was justified in being upset (about the porn), but my hard attitude closed him out and drove him away, and I had to soften to get his attention again.
Believe me, it takes what seems like forever. And there are no guarantees. But I NEVER WOULD HAVE BELIEVED what happened to me (reconciliation) was possible, without Michele and her new ideas.
Sorry to go on so long. Really wanted just to say hello, offer some support, but I got to thinking about how this all worked out in my case, so rambled on.
Glad to meet you, will follow up on your thread. Take care! I'll be checking in on you and sending positive vibes.
