The darkness does not endure!

[BeingMe]

Journalling, and just trying to make sense of it all ......

Well, I think I am done with this M. My H just doesn't want to see or hear me, figuratively speaking. I am excluded from financial decisions (even tax stuff - I just have to sign not knowing what the heck is going on). He starts things that takes up his time away from fixing our M. We had a huge fight today, and I heard a lot of stuff coming out, that he had been hiding (and failed to talk to me about ... once again, just avoiding issues, and problems) - resentment, is definitely one of those things. I am tired of trying to be gentle with him, trying to communicate in as non-confrontational way possible, trying to support, give him time to earn my trust back, forgive, ignore all the pain I am in ... all this while trying so hard to GAL, and work on me. He made me feel like I was a burden, that I was a nag (which I have never been in our M - he tends to be the nagger, and he knows it), like he is the one doing everything to make me happy and I was ungrateful, unsupportive, and so on. I didn't know I had to be grateful for my H cheating on me, and my giving him more than the last chance to make things right. Wow! I must be the worst W on the planet.

I am done! I have given him every opportunity to help me work on this M. I have nothing more to give. In the end, his lack of plugging into the M, and really working on our issues, has made me feel like I am a nothing to him. I have no worth, no influence, just nothing I have gets him to do what is needed. I am not sympathetic enough, not sexy enough, not kind enough, not supportive enough, or trusting enough, or anything. Maybe he should've gone to the OW. I don't know, I just don't care anymore. I just want to get on with my own life, where I can control my own destiny.

I just can't do this anymore. I am not going to go through days of crying again, although just spent the morning doing so. No! No more! I feel like I am going crazy, and I was stupid enough to have come here with him, where I have no friends or family, or any real support where I can go and just talk, and get away from it all. Thank goodness for this forum!

I am sorry - I know I sound so pathetic, and so sorry for myself. At the moment, I do feel somewhat sorry for myself, to be honest. I feel I really gave it the best shot I knew how, but it just isn't working, and I am not martyr material, and I am no longer going to suck it up, and try and make it work, while being absolutely miserable. He's going to be travelling soon for work, so I told him, then he doesn't need to come home on weekends. He can get himself some OW, and maybe she can make him happy, because clearly he can't do it for himself, and I sure can't either. I cry mainly for my D14, and my other children. I never wanted them to come from a broken home, but I just don't know what more to do, other than to just take whatever he gives, and ignore my own needs. That has worked for me, in the short term, but one can only ignore yourself for so long, before you get ill, or lose yourself completely.

Sorry, also for the negative post. I wish this DB had been a complete success, but once in piecing, the couple, IMHO, has to get to a point where they are both working on the M. And, there has to be open and honest communication, otherwise, what's the point.

Take care, and hope y'all are having a much better day than me.