Interesting that you ask? One of the big topics of our conversation last night that I left out of my last post is this: W talking "I am tired of not being noticed. I'm tired of feeling used sexually."
I told her that I understood the second point. She was sexually assaulted as a teenager and never truely dealt with her feelings from that experiance. I get this .... I will not push myself onto her until she can tackle these emotions and feelings.
I told her that I did not understand the not being noticed comment. She then brings up my lack of involvement or support in her activities outside the home. To which I answered the involvement that I have had is what I felt she wanted from me. I actually pulled out of my own activities to support her (ie. take care of the girls) in hers. Another example of me sacrificing my needs for hers. I did not tell her that last part. She then mentioned that even over the last few months when she has tried to share and open up to me I have not been there for her. From the beginning of all this I have been trying to be a good listener, and keep my mouth shut. Quick to listen, slow to speak.... Now the fact that I am trying to protect myself from being hurt anymore is getting thrown back in my face.
I need to look at the positives about this conversation. - She still is trying to talk to me, even though it hurts - She is still going to IC - She is still reading the Bible - She is still sleeping next to me at night
One other item worth noting that is supposed to happen this week (this is now out of my hands), 3 people from our church are planning on talking to my W. They are not expecting her to have a change of heart instantly, but, they are planning on speaking some truth to her which hopefully will make her think a little bit. These people are people that my W has respected through the years, so again hopefully she will listen and think about what they have to say.
It sounds like you are doing so many of the right things. Try not to defend yourself when she tries to blame you. Just listen and validate her feelings at this point. Support her while she works through her stuff in IC. I think being her friend and not judging her in any way is key right now.
Let us know how it goes with the people from church. I'm sure that it will make her think - just don't expect too much immediate action. My H has had another conversation with our church leadership over the weekend. Not even sure how it went.. I'm not asking questions.. Just waiting...
Well yesterday came and went and I saw my W and kids for a total of 20 minutes. I tried to start some small talk last night but my W was unresponsive.. oh well...probably better that way rightnow.
I have been re-reading parts of Love Must be Tough by Dobson and am really considering taking his advice. I am now praying for the timing of it all, which is tough rightnow since I will be going out of town for a week starting this weekend.
Even though she is cold to me she is still sleeping in the same bed. I think she still takes comfort in the security that I provide, but, she is still running around being unbelievable selfish. Reflecting back on our marriage there has been a pattern of me giving things up that I held dear to me for her and her not even recognizing it. Not to say that I have been perfect through the years, Lord knows that I haven't, but I have given up a lot for her to make her happy and this is how I am thanked.
I had a pretty good day yesterday, but, today emotionally is hard. I am thankfull for my friends and family, I know that they love me.... But I long for my W to love me too.
She said to me the other day that we were just friends. I totally disagree with her, friends enjoy each others company we do not at this point.
I hope everyone is doing well and that your sitch has more hope then mine.
ERC, I'm sorry that things are so rough for you right now. You are right that the love we want the most right now, seems to be the most unattainable. Just know that we are here for you and we share your pain.
YYW
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
ERC, Focus on you and your goals. It is the only way to maintain your happiness (and sanity) and anyway the way you should live your life!!!
Our sitches have much in common (living with our WAWs, 2 kids, etc.), but two big diffs: 1. My W and I are getting along better than we have in years ("just friends"). 2. My W has no religious/spiritual base.
In the short view, my sitch seems better. However, in the long view, I think you have a better chance to end up with a successful marriage. Food for thought when you are feeling down!
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Thanks for the perspective on our sitch's, I pray that both of our M flourish.
Well today was pretty tough on me emotionally, oddly once I got home I was ok...Strange....
When I got home today my W was on the phone up in our bedroom, I do not think she knew that I was home. I could hear that she had the sniffles and was talking to someone on the phone. I did NOT try to eavesdrop on her conversation, but I did over her her say to whomever that she will be standing alone and that she will enjoy life to its fullest and not be held back....I might have para phrased a little but that was the part that I heard while walking up the stairs. I guess life with me over the last 10 years must have really sucked that she cannot every see enjoying life while being married to me. I know... don't listen to what she says rightnow, but, she did not say this to me I just so happened to over hear this part of a phone conversation.
Another scarey thing that she told me tonight is that her girlfriends husband looks to be filing for divorce. He is a WAH involved in atleast a EA - thats all I know about the their stich. This is one of the few people that my W has confided in during this whole mess, from were I sit it is because she had her own sitch going on and could not pass judgement on my W - maybe I am wrong. The scarey part for me is if this girl is really going down this road and starts advicing my W on legal matters things like: what to do, what not to do, how to sh%^ more on me, etc.... I guess I cannot worry about all of that it is out of my hands. I can only worry about me and my girls.
I should point out that D5 had t-ball practice again today and afterwards we went to dinner as a family. There was only small talk which mainly focused on the girls. It was actually not a bad night together....though it is not done yet. My W is currently at the book store, atleast this is what I was told, she probably won't get home until midnight - plenty of time for me to dose off.
One thing I noticed to night is that my W was wearing her purity ring. Little background on that, it was probably a year and half ago when she went to a purity conference with the girls in our churchs youth group. She picked one up at the time to symbolize staying pure to her vows to me and God. HeHe... sorry I had to put that in there. Today is the first time I have noticed this on her in over a month. This was a welcome site - I think.
Thanks again everyone for your support. Sorry I haven't posted to anybody else lately, I have been lurking keeping up on everyone as best I can. Hopefully I can get the PMA going and start being a little more supportive to all.
So, are you saying that your wife's friend is getting divorced and her H is cheating on her?? If I found out that one of my friends was having an A, I would certainly not just "accept" the fact that my friend was messing up her life and the lives of her entire family. Maybe you have that all wrong.. maybe this friend being on the other side of an affair can actually lend some insight to your wife... Just a thought/different perspective.
Your W wearing the purity ring is interesting. Has she talked to the church people yet?
As far as I know Yes her girlfriends H is cheating and leaving without caring much about his family. I do know that her girlfriend has talked to my W and is giving her my perspective - which I think is good. But my W is hell bent on not letting anyone influence her, she needs to do things on her own rightnow. I also know that my MIL, SIL, and FIL have tried to talk some sense into her, but their efforts to this point have been fruitless. I love my W to death but I cannot change her heart and neither can anybody else. I just hope that fog will lift and she starts to see all the positives in us.
My W is supposed to meet with one of the three people from church today. When , where, and for how long I do not know. I did learn that the lady she is going to be talking to was at one point in her life in my shoes, so she knows my pain and can only tell me to bring it to the Lord. I am praying that something profound occurs in todays meeting, but I am keeping my expectations low.
ERC, You are so right about no one can change their minds. They are in fog that we can only pray that will lift to restore our marriage. Keep having faith.
Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Yesterday was an uneventfull day for me. I went to church lastnight with my 2 DD. At that sametime my W was meeting with my MIL and one of three people that were going to confront her. I have no idea how that meeting went or what was said. I do know my W went to the gym afterwards and did not get home until after 11pm.
I did have an intersting conversation with a friend from church that I haven't seen in a while. He was in my W shoes at one point in his M. He knew that my W and I were having M problems but knew no details, which I did not go into. I just mentioned that my W is a WAS and then he shared his experiance. He admitted that he would do things that he thought would force his W to end the M. This way if it dissolved he thought it would be because of his W and not him. This coping mechanism for the WAS is just plan sh$%tty. I agree that is one of the tatics WAW spouses use consciencely or not, they are just trying to deflect some of the burden that they are feeling onto us.
Unfortunately or maybe fortunately at this point in time I will not really see my W until next Friday. She is working the next 2 nights and then I am going on a trip for work next week. Maybe the time apart is what both of us need rightnow.
I am going to be meeting up with a friend while I am out of town and going to a baseball game with him. I have been looking forward to this for the last few weeks - it should be fun. Then it should be all business for the rest of my trip.
I am also thinking about meeting up with my cousin one night while I am out of town. I hardly see or talk to him anymore so I probably should try to make a connection.
I start playing softball in 2 weeks with some of my good friends which will be a blast. I guess I am GAL.
I have noticed the last few days that my W mood nolonger effects me like it once did. I guess I am detaching or maybe it is because of our lack of communication.
