Whatisis! Great to hear from you again. Thanks so much for the encouragement. Although I had multiple backslides that day with different things, the argument we had at the end of the night was definitely the worst backslide yet and even the worst argument that I think we've ever had since we've even known each other. It was NOT a pretty sight... At any rate, thank you for telling me about your experience that these backslides/meltdowns have little influence on the outcome. That helps. H DID say yesterday when I apologized that we are still going to be okay. But I know we are supposed to believe none of what they say... At least he didn't tell me he was done with us. Thanks again for posting to my thread again.
As always, thanks so much, 1210. I am hanging in there. Haven't talked to H still yet. Am working on giving him space and taking space for me, too. It feels like the wrong thing to do, but I know it's supposed to feel that way. I also know that he told me that when I was in Vegas was when he made the decision to give our M another shot. So, I just need to remember that and work on repeating it. I just don't feel good about the way we left things with the office move, but that's probably just my hangup, not H's.
Thanks for your assessment of my situation. I will definitely talk to my counselor about what you said.
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Your fear arises from someone not being there to secure your fear of being left.
If I understand you correctly, you are saying that I feel/act this way because of something that happened in my past where I was abandoned; is that right? If so, I can think of absolutely nothing that fits this scenario. My parents have always been there for me, are still married, and we have a wonderful relationship. However, as long as I can remember once I started dating, I've always hated to be alone, meaning without a man in my life. While I've always enjoyed my "alone time," I never wanted to be out of a relationship. I don't know if that makes sense or not...
Or, when you said this:
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It was likely caused by his need to seperate from your grip of control, suffocation, manipulation...the child held on tighter.
did you mean that you think that THAT is what caused this reaction in me?
At any rate, I will talk with my counselor about this. Thanks, 1210, for your input.
Again, I mention that I was NOT like this during our M - if anything, I was the exact opposite. Others even commented about that, that I was so nice to give him space to go out with the guys or take the weekend away, or give him time to work on someone else's construction, etc. I ENJOYED BEING ALONE! I was definitely NOT clingy and needy.
However, now I am. BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I'M LOSING SOMETHING SO IMPORTANT TO ME! Michele says that it's only normal to grasp at something you feel slipping through your fingers. That's the way I feel. I DON'T want to lose my M or my H. And it's my need to DO something about it that keeps pushing me down the wrong path. I hate just waiting and doing nothing, even though I know that's what needs to be done. It's not that I don't care about what H needs or wants; I honestly and genuinely DO care. But I guess what he wants and what I want right now aren't exactly on the same page. So does that mean that he just gets what he wants and I make the sacrifices? I don't know.
Regarding the races, I have always gone to the races with his mom, and H always has his Dad there because his Dad is his pit boss. I know that H didn't actually ask me to go, but he did seem genuinely glad that I was there. And then he left the unprovoked note on my bed thanking me again for coming. It might not have been the right thing for me to do, but it felt right and seemed to have turned out okay. As I said, it almost feels as if when I DO spend time with him and his family that it brings him closer to me rather than pushing him the other way.
At any rate, I'm committed to continuing to work on this and me, so I hope you'll continue to be patient and keep pushing me. Thanks again for your thoughts about the neurosis. I will let you know that my counselor says next week about it.
Thanks, 25. I know that everything you said is right... Thank you for continuing to patiently point these things out to me.
I think I mentioned this, but when I talked with my counselor yesterday, I told her that one of my biggest frustrations is that intellectually I GET what I need to do. But being able to internalize it and implement it is a completely different story... That's when she came up with the "scared, desperate little girl" scenario and to get something symbolic of that to "take care of."
So, for now, I will write to you guys or do something else when I feel the need to contact H. It's hard being at home, but it feels so much better than being at the office. Although I feel lonely and isolated here, I don't have the pangs of anxiety hit me regarding all of the things that I mentioned I was torturing myself with before. Now I'm just sad and lonely more than anything. And I'm angry at myself for both what I did to contribute to this whole mess in the first place and also the way I've handled it since. And I'm jealous that H continues to choose to spend any free time he makes for himself with someone else. It hurts. But I know that until I can be the person that he wants to be with that he will not come home. I hope my move home will help me to work more on myself.
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If you constantly run to him for your needs b/c you fear being without him soooo much that you keep on this path, you will bring about the very thing you most fear; abandonment.
Completely right on target. I agree 100000%. As I said, I KNOW this; I just need to implement what I need to do and not act on my impulses when I panic and feel scared and desperate. I'll practice panicking to you guys instead, okay?
Your marriage has no delineations between you, him, marriage and work...it's all one. Marriage was pushed to the rear as you focused on work...you, became overly confident, self-imposed, opinionated...you bulldozed H's ideas, thoughts, opinions...He sought refuge in pulling away from you...that was your trigger.
Your fear is embedded in your psyche...it will take your thera- pist to help you see it...
You should be glad he left home - flight - instead of staying and abusing you verbally - fight - like Sol's wife does.
Furthermore, it has to do with your mother, no blame on anyone's part...yours or hers...millions of people have this.
There are moments when our silence speaks volumes, and there are times when our words fall on deaf ears... Hang in there and of course this is where you need to vent. Not to h... j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I have not spoken to H at all today. I had to forward a few phone and e-mail messages to him but did not "introduce" the messages at all, just forwarded them to him. It's hard, but definitely more manageable since I'm home. The pangs of anxiety are subsiding.
Are you positive that I should not say anything to him about me needing some time to think about things? I wasn't suggesting that I should apologize again for my "freak show," but because of how we left things, I'm worried that he thinks I'm just home "pining away for him." When I went to Vegas, it was much more clear that I was taking some time for me to think about things. Now, I'm afraid that he thinks I'm just retreating and waiting for him rather than empowering myself to do my OWN soul-searching. Does that make sense?
Not sure what you did that was so bad...but can guess...I remember the second time I met with H to have him sign the second divorce papers...it was hideous to say the least but at that point I figured all was lost and it was really over...
Anyhow...one thing you posted here that I really really REALLY want you to think about LONG AND HARD....is you said something about wanting him to come home....and soon!!! TAM...read my words...YOU ARE NOT READY FOR HIM TO COME HOME....NOT NOW...NOT NEXT WEEK....NOT NEXT MONTH...MAYBE IN 6 MONTHS!!!...Doesn't mean that you can't see him, talk to him, go out...but I can tell you that if you take him back too soon...I think the 3rd time leaving will be the charm that results in H BEING DONE...
You see it is pretty much a given that if he comes home too soon he will leave...more convinced then ever before that he can't live with you....
Your biggest challenge is yet ahead...I just hope you can trust me...and yourself...enough to tell H (if he even asks to come home anytime soon) that you still have some issues within yourself to work out and it would be best to remain apart for now....
You see...I took time...I worked my butt off...I thought I had it all worked out...now I am in a major emotional struggle with H...it is not all romance and flowers right now...it is emotionally draining...and the anxiety can be cut with a knife...and lets not even go near the insecurities that I am dealing with right now...I am keeping things in check as best I can...I do have a strong support system...H is not in a good place mentally....we are talking about him going back to see a Psychiatrist...going to his doctor....and possibly seeing if he can get disability because he is in such a state...
So Tam...take it from someone who really waited the time...you are definitely NOT ready...at the bare minimum DATE if he wants to work on things...do it without living together...because leaving a 3rd time...I just think would be the last time!!!...and no telling what state you would be in....
