Anyone seen Mr Hap?

[haphazard]

Hmm Lou and Cobra's exchanges have just got me thinking about H's avoidance tactics.

On Easter weekend we went away and stayed on a farm. It was a beautiful place and we had fabulous weather. The whole time we were there H was in a very distant, pissed off kind of mood and there was no communication between us even though I asked him a couple of times if he was OK and if there was anything he wanted to talk about. When we came back he took another day off work to look after the kids as they were still at school (I had taken 3 days off work the previous week). I phoned part way through the day and said I was planning to go out with my colleagues in the evening (normally tuesday is my night to go to the gym - so not a major change of plan). He sounded very grumpy told me he was feeling "monumentally pissed off, stressed and very sad". I said "oh dear - poor you. See you later, I won't be late"

Came in later and he appeared cheerful enough but then said "did we have a conversation at about 4 this afternoon?" I said yes. He said he found it unbelievable that I could just carry on about my business after he had said how he was feeling. I said it seemed to me that he had been in that mood for the previous four days, that I had given him some opportunities to open up about it but he'd chosen not to and that I just saw him saying he was "monumentally pissed off etc" as being a manipulative way to control me and get me to not go out and as he has often expressed a need not to be controlled then that applies to me too. Anyway he then told me off for trying to be his counsellor, which I didn't reply to - it was just a way of filling up air time while he let what I said sink in. So I left a pause and then asked what it was that was stressing him out and making him feel so pissed off. He started on about having a crap car which I had chosen and living in a crap house which I had chosen blah blah. In both cases he was with me every step of the way, I did all the leg work (as usual) when extra-curricular projects such as getting a new car or arranging a mortgage etc come up but at I certainly do not make unilateral decisions and I seek his opinions and in no way would I want insist on doing things my way on decisions as big as those. But the difference is he is SO unsure of his own ability to make such big decisions that he not only asks my opinion but actually doesn't express his own for fear of being wrong and then of course he can play the blame game months or years down the line when he's decided he doesn't like what's happened.

So I called him out on it and he just started yelling at me "did you pick the car" over and over so I left.

Came back about half an hour later and he was still sitting where I left him. I said, if it makes you feel better I'll say "yes I went and got the car" but I have to say I feel sorry for you if having a car you don't like can make you this upset.

His answer was that I'd completely missed the point - he didn't go on to explain the point. Anyway I said if he didn't like the car why not change it. So he agreed he would. And then all was well again. WTF?

Well actually I do know wtf - what's up is that the car is due it's annual service and relicense and it's on his to do list and he hasn't had time to do it. So he has started to feel resentful about doing it, and he's not particularly fond of the car so he's transferred his stress about having something overdue not ticked off his to do list and his resentment at having to do that job for a car he doesn't even like much onto me for being the one to pick it. Nice neat package making his misery all my fault again.

I also think I've figured out why he chose to spend the whole long weekend while we were away being in a bottled up state of "monumental pissedness" - it's simple avoidance. Oh dear a whole four days with no work and no place to hide - I know throw a massive moody that'll keep the required distance.

Funny how he hasn't bothered to come and join us here isn't it?

Fran