Sooo mad, porn but no sex.

[heatherg]

To me there's a difference between neglecting her in favor of porn, and turning to porn when she's not interested anyway.


That sounds like rationalization to me. And it also doesn't jive with your statement below

Hell, I've been known to have sex, enjoy the afterglow, catch my breath, then later go to the computer and enjoy some porn.

In this scenario, your wife just met your sexual needs and vice versa, so apparently it's not a matter of neglect for either of you. When you're on the computer, you're seeking out other women to meet your needs, sexual needs that you promised your wife that she and only she would be meeting for the rest of your life. If she were neglecting your needs, which you tried to talk to her about and make clear to her like some of the guys on this board have, then porn may or may not be cheating because at that point, she may have chosen not fulfill HER M vows, which is to meet those needs. I understand that we are sexual creatures, and we have to have a release for that. I feel it should be within the context of the M and porn does not fulfill that criteria unless it's done together.

Does it matter to you whether you were in the mood for sex when he turned to porn? Does it matter whether it was possible for the two of you to have sex when he turned to porn? Or is that irrelevant in your mind?

I wouldn't be angry or hurt if I found out he used it a couple times if he was out of town or something. I still don't think it should become a habit in ANY shape or form. But like I said, I understand the need for release. I still think phone sex or pictures of your partner or a home video is preferred to looking elsewhere if it is going to be a habitual thing.

The other reasons why cheating is a no-no (you might catch something and pass it to your spouse, you might form an emotional connection, somebody might get knocked up) are not issues in porn.

You missed the number one reason why cheating is a no-no. Because you promised you wouldn't. The promise is that you will foresake all others. That goes farther than just in a hotel room. It MEANS you foresake all others. It doesn't mean you foresake them in person, but seek them out in picture form. It doesn't mean that you marry a white woman and then seek out pictures of Asians to see if they make you hotter. You really ought to have experimented with that BEFORE you made your decision.

Does finding out that he chose porn over you cause insecurity when there was none before? We may like ourselves, but we still want to be validated by others and hate to be anti-validated by others.

Maybe that's it. I find it extemely upsetting. I think I'm a pretty attractive girl, why is it never enough? I'm not as attractive as a super model and even their husbands aren't satisfied. Your comment

No matter how healthy we and our relationships are, we males still like variety.

makes me pretty angry because you don't get variety in M. If you want variety, you should have stayed single. There are times when I want variety too, when I wish I had the luxury of having my needs met outside my M. Guess what? I can't because it's cheating and I said I wouldn't do that. My job is to love my H for who he is and talk out the things that aren't going so well. If he's not meeting my needs, it's our job to work it out.