Thanks, 25. I know that everything you said is right... Thank you for continuing to patiently point these things out to me.
I think I mentioned this, but when I talked with my counselor yesterday, I told her that one of my biggest frustrations is that intellectually I GET what I need to do. But being able to internalize it and implement it is a completely different story... That's when she came up with the "scared, desperate little girl" scenario and to get something symbolic of that to "take care of."
So, for now, I will write to you guys or do something else when I feel the need to contact H. It's hard being at home, but it feels so much better than being at the office. Although I feel lonely and isolated here, I don't have the pangs of anxiety hit me regarding all of the things that I mentioned I was torturing myself with before. Now I'm just sad and lonely more than anything. And I'm angry at myself for both what I did to contribute to this whole mess in the first place and also the way I've handled it since. And I'm jealous that H continues to choose to spend any free time he makes for himself with someone else. It hurts. But I know that until I can be the person that he wants to be with that he will not come home. I hope my move home will help me to work more on myself.
Quote:
If you constantly run to him for your needs b/c you fear being without him soooo much that you keep on this path, you will bring about the very thing you most fear; abandonment.
Completely right on target. I agree 100000%. As I said, I KNOW this; I just need to implement what I need to do and not act on my impulses when I panic and feel scared and desperate. I'll practice panicking to you guys instead, okay?
