Quote: -------------------------------------------------------- I guess I just can't believe that a man & woman can be "just friends" when married, especially when H had been talking to her all the time about our M problems. I wonder what he is telling her now, if anything, about our M. If he's still acting like we're separated, doesn't he feel guilty about that? Especially w/ all the effort and love I have put into putting us back together? --------------------------------------------------------
If he is discussing marital issues with a person of the opposite sex, not for purposes of professional therapy, then you have a problem. I don't believe in "just friends" when that friendship crosses the aforementioned boundary. If you need to see what a professional thinks about the issue, then you can read "NOT Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass.
As for your efforts, they may be substantial, but if he isn't in a frame of mind to notice, then he won't. As to what he SHOULD do, he wont do the right thing, not as long as his sense of entitlement is out of whack.
The military has a code of ethics, and most branches frown on affairs. A call to her CO and his, could stop the behavior in its tracks, but it can also get him in trouble. That is why I wanted to know how far you are willing to push.
Quote: -------------------------------------------------- Not sure of my boundaries. I do know that I would never call her or confront her, as I am not going to do anything that will just end up making him angry. Not sure what other suggestions you may have. --------------------------------------------------
The only thing I can suggest to you with the above in mind is for you to read Michele's "Divorce Remedy". Her approach is more passive and should be a good fit for you.
One word of caution. If you allow yourself to be controlled by fear of your husband getting mad at your attempts to save the marriage, then be careful that you don't damage your own sense of self in the process. I know you feel guilty about your contributions to the marriage, but you are going to have to put that behind you if you are going to fight to win back your husband.
Regardless of what method or mix of ideas you use to try and win back your husband, don't ever let yourself be treated like a doormat. No marriage is worth losing yourself over. Besides that, needy, grabby, desperate, doormat behavior is repulsive to most people, even when they are wayward. What really sucks is that often a wayward spouse will take advantage of such behaviors. So not only do you end up driving them away via undesirable behaviors, but they use you up in the process. Not a pretty picture.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
