Cobra This is SUCH co-dependent and shame based thinking. You think? Just kidding. I went through the co-dependency movement surge, led by a few women, at college. BB was working in a facility that had a 28-day Co-Dependency Treatment Program.
BB did not put any burden on you Yes she did in some ways by frequently talking about and wanting what the neighbors had, that we didn't.
Shame based, yes. I lived my life from the time I can remember to about the age of 21 in shame based religion and “You ought to” advice from people.
After I built the house in 1974, BB was pushing church attendance and I went along with the idea. We got into the role of a "Good church member" and I took on more duties and started giving a fair amount of money to support the church activities. Throw in some more shame based "if the Smiths are giving $XX, I guess I look cheap when I give $Xx.
You put it on yourself Yes I did. No argument there Cobra. I see that now. At the time I was trying to be what looked like normal.
there is always a better neighborhood to strive for True. I also moved up as far as I thought I could handle, I will label the neighborhood a 65%er. Not bad for someone that was used to the 30% areas most of his life. I knew I couldn't afford the upper crust neighborhoods.
You give away your power, then get resentful at her because you did what she asked. I see that now. At the time (1980'ish) I saw it was my job as a H and dad. Other people were doing the fair to good life and if they could do it, so could I, type of thinking.
If I could tie into Fran’s situation, this is where I went astray. Trying to do too much. I am not saying her H is trying to do X,Y or Z.
Also working in the auto industry with rising gas prices and having too much work at times and not enough at other times, working for two different business' that eventually closed and I stayed with them too long, the mental mind set was work when you can because next month there might only be enough work for half-time employment.
My pay was based on a low hourly rate and commission or commission only for the work completed. Any auto repairs that had to be re-done was not compensated/paid the second time.
BTW, did she want to work or did you want her to be a SAHM? [b] BB doesn’t like to work that much. I was OK with it at the time. I thought I could earn as much in a couple of hours at home in the evening as she would make working all day. I was used to the SAHM model.
[b] If at some point you decide the pain of working is now greater than the pain of her leaving, then cut back on the work. I have cut back. I use the working too much to explain one of the things that caused some of our R problems as in, this is how we got where we are today.
The other issue I see in your example is a total lack of boundaries. I see that too. I don’t know about total though. I see it as too wishy-washy, too flexible.
As long as she knows her complaints can tilt your choice, there is reason for her to complain…….. You are the one allowing her complaints to have an impact. If you do not give her that power, Doesn’t a spouse deserve some choices, consideration?
Let me say that IMHO, BB does have a right for her wants to be considered, but I think she makes known and presses for too many wants w/o thinking of my wishes and about the work to get where she thinks life would be better for her anyway. This seems a fairly simple problem to me. You further complicate it by throwing in your guilt. You want her to choose the lower standard of living and be content with it, even happy about it. BB will not do that, nor would anyone else. If you want BB to make this choice, then accept that she will be unhappy about it, but she will accept it and after a while she will adjust. But stop sabotaging yourself though your guilt and shame of BB’s unhappiness. That is her problem, not yours. That sums it up really well Cobra.
So which is going to be the less painful choice – your long hours at work or the shame and guilt you feel from BB? I cut back the hours. Tried spending the time with BB but haven’t made/reestablished a good connection that is lasting. Some here and there spurts, yes.
Stop throwing the sex issue into the mix because I am starting to think that is only a distraction. I know you want more sex, but I also see you trying to convince BB that if you worked less and settled for fewer things, you could make her happier by teaching her to value your love and commitment over material things. But those are the priorities of your values, not her. So stop trying to control her to adopt your values. It hasn’t worked yet and I doubt it ever will I also doubt it will.
. How is it YOU did not measure up? IRL I measured up cobra, but it wasn’t enough to avoid some of the problems we had. The ghost of those problems are with us today. I told BB what I felt I did wrong in the past, she said she made adjustments and that is how things are, so live with it. She lost much of her sexual desire in 1981. I worked a lot of hours. She turned her affection to her pets so she didn’t act on her lonely feelings and pursue an OM
Re to a comment I made to Fran: PS I am just trying to be helpful so don't take offence at anything I said. Cobra Why do you worry so much about how others see you? I imagine Fran’s situation/H is different than mine. I can give my experiences based on my POV. I can’t know what Fran’s H feels or why he acts.
I know her H working too much is a problem for Fran. I know he drinks, I didn’t. I know some other things are different about her H when compared to me.
The answer as to why I care is, I want to help and if what I post doesn’t help but is irritating to Fran, I want her to know before hand I have no ill intentions and I am mot trying to be callous. Sometimes a post can be written one way and read another way.
Back to what is and the now. I am applying verbal pressure to BB to seek some relief for her medical problems. I could list the problems but that might sound like I was putting BB down. The list is getting longer so I am less hopeful much will improve. Maybe I am looking at the of a sex life with her.
I just dug up some 25 year old tree roots and am planning on replace the original 12 X 12 deck and a 4 X 8 picture window. That will keep me busy for a while.
