OW/EA Still Bothering Me

[verycrazy]

You know, lonelyolive, I was thinking the same thing, and wonder why my H doesn't see it. I mean there had to be a reason her H was cheating. Who knows what ridiculous stories they tell our H's to keep them feeling protective, and needed.

L

[lovelyolive]

That's why they always say that their day will come. Nobody can be as perfect as they are seeming right now to our H's. In fact, the OW in my sitch has a whole family that says she is the biggest B$%^h in the world! How long can THAT charade last??

[RedHeadWife]

Also, the OW is usually on her best "dating behavior" in their sitch w/ our H's (or W's). Our H's don't know what "normal" would be like w/ OW. And, part of the problem, is that "normal" is what they have w/ us. Every day life. Stress, kids, work, dinner, laundry, etc., etc. which isn't that romantic. Unfortunately, as in my M, I allowed all of the above to override the efforts I needed to be making in the M which was a big part of the M breakdown.

I guess, as hard as this has all been, and I can truly only say this right now because things are going well w/ my H and I, that this whole "process" after the D bomb was beneficial in that I now see things a lot more clearly.

I certainly am never going to forget the lessons learned and, while we are making positive changes in ourselves, those hopefully will be concrete in us as well, making us better people in the long run.

I still don't like how I am feeling as far as insecure in my M and still not sure what is going on in H's head, and I am trying very hard to get the "you're lucky to have me, Mister" attitude, but not too overpowering, you know? I still feel as if I'm constantly catering to H and looking & wondering if something bad is going to happen again. I feel like a child sometimes looking for approval or something. I'm working on it though:)

[lovelyolive]

ugh.. I feel the same way even though my H's EA is still going strong! I feel like I will push him back into PA if I do anything wrong! It's horrible walking on eggshells like that.

I think getting rid of that feeling just takes time when you are piecing your M back together like you are. When you build up more trust in each, other you stop waiting for the hammer to fall because you are more confident in your M.

[verycrazy]

That's how I feel, too. I cater to him, making his life easier, not complaining, walking on eggshells, and I have this feeling of insecurity still, as if I like you lonelyolive will push him back to ow if I am not very careful. He says it has ended, but from what I know about ow, they don't let go easily.
I listened to the light his fire tapes by Dr. Ellen, and some of the stuff I heard on those messages from H's cell phone was like what Dr. Ellen was saying. So, I guess another thing about them, they may be trying to read up on "How to Steal Another Womans Husband", or some other books not designed for ow, but for us, because they want to be us.
Is it really harder for them to let go of an EA than a PA?

L

[Heartbroken]

I thinks so!!! Actually I know so!

My H was willing to divorce me before his EA even turned to a PA!!!! He just "felt soooo connected" gag me!! H says stuff now like: "yeah, that's another thing that bothered me about her" and he said this regarding several impt things. They were fundamentally diff people yet willing to throw everything away based on these emotional high they got off each other. If my H was already having issues about her what would it be like in 16 yrs (we have been married 16 yrs) - they would not have made it two yrs let alone 16 yrs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is why patience is key - need to outwait the OW yet at what cost to our own wants/needs????? When do WE come first!

[RedHeadWife]

Oh, & by the way, I found a tank top in my pj drawer last night. I truly do not remember this being mine, ever wearing it before or buying it. I am hopeful it is my niece's, otherwise I have no idea where it came from.

Also, OW/EA is a "friend/co-worker" of H and has a little boy and actually brought a huge bag of hand-me-downs for our boys. Well, the tank top is one of the brands that seems consistent w/ the boy's clothes too.

I know, I know, I'm making this into something it probably isn't, but damn it, if he hadn't even done any of this crap, I wouldn't even have to wonder about where this damn tank top came from!!!

He even commented and asked where I got it and said I must not wear it very often cuz it doesn't look familier -- if he only knew what I was thinking !!!!! I didn't want to just confront him about it, b/c I could be my niece's and I just cannot imagine how OW/EA's tank would get into our house anyway (I know, I'm being naive & trusting and why should I be, but . . . )

[verycrazy]

I guess you could ask your neice if it's hers, and if it is, case closed, if not, then burn all the pjs it touched.
I know what you mean, I will find something I didn't know H had, and wonder just where it came from.

L

[RedHeadWife]

Ok, guys & gals, having a hard time today. I just felt in my gut that something was different last night. He just seemed distant last evening & then this a.m. I called him @ work (for legit reasons) and he didn't say ILY when we got off -- OW (EA) works w/ him -- was she in the vicinity or is he just stressing, etc.? I don't know. Maybe I'm working myself up, but I just don't want to go back to where we were !!! Things seemed to be going so well & he is leaving in less than 2 wks!! I haven't been able to get up the nerve to talk to him about R or OW or anything for fear that I will "rock the boat." I just feel sick. I know he is still talking to her on a regular basis & not just @ work, but on the phone during the day (cell) and I just don't get it. What is he getting from her? If he's telling her things still aren't good w/ us, doesn't that make him feel guilty? Obviously, he doesn't realize how damaging this is to our M and us moving forward! I hate the thought that he will continue to talk to her regularly when he's gone!