Alpha, your situation sounds very similar to mine. I would like more affection in my marriage as well. I have been married 22 years and spent most of the last several years being mad and resentful at my husband for not understanding that flirting would make sex so much more interesting for me. He feels that kissing goodbye/hello, an occasional hug or his feet on my lap is enough affection. I would love a caress while I'm cooking or doing the dishes, or even a grope--anything sexual outside of actually having sex. He doesn't seem to see a need for anticipation.
Sex is also routine. If he initiates, it is after we have both showered and gone to bed. He always lays on his back when he first goes to bed. If he rolls toward me and caresses my arm, I know what he wants. He takes a long time to do anything else. I don't think either of us know what we should do next. He won't talk during sex and makes very little noise at all. I have asked him to tell me what I can do different, he says, "It's fine." If I ask him what he likes, he says, "Anything." I have read sex books and try to do some of the things that are suggested, but I can't tell if he is liking it or not. I know I should ask while I am doing it, but I am worried about his response to that. He tells me I am too analytical. The same is true for tellling him or showing him what I like or dislike. His feeling get hurt and he quits trying. He rarely initiates anymore because I "analyze it too much."
Our relationship has been improving in the last couple of years. We used to have yelling matches when we disagreed on anything. I recently found out that I have a form of depression called dysthymia. After starting antidepressants, I have been in much better control of my anger and the yelling matches have stopped. I am also able to see his side of things better. I have been able to figure out many things I have been doing that are contributing to his lack of caring enough about my needs. He is starting to listen to me more.
H loves to tell me that I "always" have to have my way and that he "never" gets his way. I just realized the other day what I do that makes him feel that way. When we have a difference of opinion, I state mine but don't feel that he considered my side. So I keep insisting that my way might work. He insists his way is better. He goes away mad and I do it my way to show him it could work. It's not that I want to be right, I just want to feel that my idea was really considered. I sent him an e-mail letting him know my realization. When we went to bed that night, he told me that he appreciates e-mails like that. He offered me some ice cream last night.
So, the affection and acts of love is getting better, but we still need to do something about the sex.
I hope you haven't sent the note to your H. He sounds like he may be feeling kind of like my H. An e-mail like that would probably offend him. Mine would say, "It's always about you! You're always complaining about your needs!" Maybe you need to figure out what needs he has that aren't being met. Resist the urge to tell him anymore about what you want or need. Concentrate on him. Find out what else you are doing that irritates him and stop doing it. Do things he will enjoy or appreciate.
