For Me

[NOPkins]

Hi. Mrs.cac.

Quote:
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I'm grieving a loss--the loss of being a healthy, young, sexual woman. I was robbed of that because of my parents' stupid, thoughtless behavior.
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So, what are you going to do about it?

You can sit and blame or you can stand and change the present and start making up for lost time.

You can be a sexual woman anytime and as much as you want to be. The only way your parents are holding you back now is if you let them.

All the best,
-NOPkins-

[cac4]

I just want to clarify something.

I brought up the "Liberators" as an engineering solution to an engineering problem that Karen mentioned:

"...It was an unqualified disaster. Dh's one position doesn't work with a last trimester pregnant belly - I have dropped and so me being on top means unsatisfactory penetration (not good for him or me)..."

That's all.

I didn't think it would be an aid for anyone's "low-D" issues. didn't think of using them as a pedestal for posing, either (hey honey! check this out! ain't I sexy?!?!" :D). Although, I suppose you could do that. If you don't like what you see, you can always turn off the lights...they'd still be helpful getting into a comfortable position to make the act physically possible.

on skinny models:
I suspect that the fashion industry likes them because that type of form allows them to control the way the clothing looks.
In the adds themselves, I think the models look nice enough...plenty curvy. but its the clothes doing it; not the bods. thong-straps and bra-padding "paint" the figure on them.
In recent years, its become fashionable for these "supermodels" to pose nekkid in Playboy magazine. They don't look good nekkid. without something painting a shape on them, they look like skinny teenage boys.

[mrsc]

What am I going to do about it? Maybe stop posting my thoughts here. That might be a start.

OK. I'm going to grieve. That's how you heal from a loss. Gotta go through all the steps to finish the process. Perhaps I'm still in the anger stage.

I'm sure you're trying to help, but it's not really helping. You are not telling me anything I don't already know or suggesting anything that I am not already doing or that I know I need to do. I have had and will continue to have discussions with my C about this. I interpreted your post as having a challenging tone to it, and I do not respond well to challenges.

And there's that "blame" word again. I think this is the second time you've suggested that I'm sitting around blaming others for my problems and implied that I'm not trying to solve them. Thanks. Really helpful.

You know, I just started writing the post and the words came out and I realized, gee, I guess I still have some issues to deal with, don't I? I thought I had dealt with this particular one, but, apparently I have not.

Corri--I picked up the book today. Thanks.

[NOPkins]

Hi, Mrs.cac.

I figured I had upset you (unintentionally by the way) when I saw CAC's post.

Quote:
----------------------------------------------------
What am I going to do about it? Maybe stop posting my thoughts here. That might be a start.

OK. I'm going to grieve. That's how you heal from a loss. Gotta go through all the steps to finish the process. Perhaps I'm still in the anger stage.

I'm sure you're trying to help, but it's not really helping. You are not telling me anything I don't already know or suggesting anything that I am not already doing or that I know I need to do. I have had and will continue to have discussions with my C about this. I interpreted your post as having a challenging tone to it, and I do not respond well to challenges.

And there's that "blame" word again. I think this is the second time you've suggested that I'm sitting around blaming others for my problems and implied that I'm not trying to solve them. Thanks. Really helpful.

You know, I just started writing the post and the words came out and I realized, gee, I guess I still have some issues to deal with, don't I? I thought I had dealt with this particular one, but, apparently I have not.
----------------------------------------------------

I wasn't implying anything. If you are blaming your parents for your current condition then you are blaming them. If you want to solve your problems, then you can do so, you have the power to effect change in your life. That is your choice, regardless of your parents.

I meant you no malice. It's too bad that you took my statements that way. If you would prefer me not to post to you, then all you have to do is let me know. I won't be offended.

All the best,
-NOPkins-

[cac4]

I figured I had upset you (unintentionally by the way) when I saw CAC's post.

hey, don't drag me into this! I'm just an innocent bystander.
seriously...I was just trying to clarify my earlier mention of the "shapes", after the thread took one of those not-so-unusual turns...

[mrsc]

Just to clarify, cac's post was not written because he had a convo with me. We haven't spoken about the board today. I was out this afternoon, so I was just catching up here a little while ago.

There are a few points I want to make. First, my sexuality and my parents' role in it is an EXTREMELY sensitive subject for me. I know that may not come across because I write openly about my experiences. Nonetheless, the whole subject leaves me feeling very vulnerable. I guess I require handling with kid gloves when it comes to this topic. I think that may be due to my inherent sensitivities and also due to it being a fairly recent revelation. As Cobra observed during my LD thread, I'm just not there yet.

Second, I really was just musing. I wasn't looking for advice or suggestions. If I am looking for advice I will ask for it specifically and then I will take what I get because I asked.

I think this may be a Mars/Venus thing. This happens sometimes with cac where I'll speak my thoughts out loud and he'll try to come up with solutions or suggestions for me. All I'm really doing is talking. Just putting out my thoughts, speaking them out loud. I learn a lot and process much more efficiently when I talk or put my thoughts down on "paper." I have told him this.

And about the blame: yes, right now I am blaming my parents. I have to do that so I can stop blaming myself. From this point on, I agree that my life and my choices are my responsibility. But, for most of my adult life, I was unaware of the extent to which my parents' behavior negatively affected my sexuality. Good grief, I've been labeled an LD person, with all its negative connotations, when everyone knows that the only healthy way to be is HD. I never connected my LDness with my childhood until a few months ago. I just thought there was something wrong with me! Now I know there isn't. So, yes, I'm pissed off right now. It is part of the process. It won't always be so.

I didn't believe you meant any malice. I don't think most people do. I think you were trying to help. I just thought the post was a little "in my face." Perhaps confrontational is the right word. I'm not big on that. That's all. I'm not going to ask you to stop posting to me.

[Crazy Eddie]

There are a few points I want to make. First, my sexuality and my parents' role in it is an EXTREMELY sensitive subject for me. I know that may not come across because I write openly about my experiences. Nonetheless, the whole subject leaves me feeling very vulnerable. I guess I require handling with kid gloves when it comes to this topic. I think that may be due to my inherent sensitivities and also due to it being a fairly recent revelation. As Cobra observed during my LD thread, I'm just not there yet.

Second, I really was just musing. I wasn't looking for advice or suggestions. If I am looking for advice I will ask for it specifically and then I will take what I get because I asked.

I think this may be a Mars/Venus thing. This happens sometimes with cac where I'll speak my thoughts out loud and he'll try to come up with solutions or suggestions for me. All I'm really doing is talking. Just putting out my thoughts, speaking them out loud. I learn a lot and process much more efficiently when I talk or put my thoughts down on "paper." I have told him this.

True, but when you put it here, some of us can't resist putting our two cents in. Something we say might help you or someone else. Something you say in response might help us. We certainly can't identify you or hurt you in any real way... we're just putting words on a screen, and you can interpret them in a way that will increase your understanding and make things better in your life.

And about the blame: yes, right now I am blaming my parents. I have to do that so I can stop blaming myself. From this point on, I agree that my life and my choices are my responsibility. But, for most of my adult life, I was unaware of the extent to which my parents' behavior negatively affected my sexuality. Good grief, I've been labeled an LD person, with all its negative connotations, when everyone knows that the only healthy way to be is HD. I never connected my LDness with my childhood until a few months ago. I just thought there was something wrong with me! Now I know there isn't. So, yes, I'm pissed off right now. It is part of the process. It won't always be so.

Seeing the way they influenced you is good. But the "blame" is a little more complicated.

Your parents did things that may or may not have been justified. They can't force you to do anything, but they can certainly influence you by their words and actions. But even a little kid isn't a robot. She reacts in her own way based on her own perceptions and judgements; another kid with the same parents might react a different way. At any rate, if she keeps reacting in the same way over and over again, it can become a habit, and that habit can persist long after the original motivation for the reaction is forgotten. Seeing that original motivation, and seeing the wrongness of the judgement that was underlying it, can help to an extent... at least it'll help you drop your insistence that you're being perfectly reasonable and the other person is unreasonable for any objections to the habit in question. Beyond that, actually getting rid of it is a challenge, and one that you have to undertake on your own apart from any real or imagined confrontations with your parents.

Such a habit can take the form not only of tangible actions and words, but also a raising of defenses in response to certain innocuous situations. When those situations call for playing with someone else or for getting work done, raising the defenses are quite a distraction and tend to ruin the whole thing.

[Corri]

Crazy Ed:

I think you are applying hind-sight adult logic to a situation of a child who does not have the ability to reason in such a fashion. As adults we can look back on our childhoods and perhaps see with different eyes... but the memories and associated feelings are still there.

Blame is a process of anger, and a critical step in the healing process. Some people get stuck in anger, and never complete their healing process. The fact that Ms. Cac can remove the anger from herself and direct at someone else is a good thing. It means it is no longer buried, and she is completely aware of it... and more importantly, can allower herself to actually feel it.

She even realizes how sensitive she is to the issue. I think that is phenomenal. You cannot heal something that you refuse to acknowledge.

It doesn't really matter how any one of us might have handled the exact same situation. It is purely speculation.

I think where Mrs. Cac might be getting a little frustrated is when people tell her it is her dragon/demon to slay... when she is completely and utterly aware of it. I mean, I can well imagine her sitting in her chair, reading, and going, 'well, NO DOI!!'

Such a habit can take the form not only of tangible actions and words, but also a raising of defenses in response to certain innocuous situations. When those situations call for playing with someone else or for getting work done, raising the defenses are quite a distraction and tend to ruin the whole thing.

That's what a defense mechanism IS, and they aren't quite so simple to overcome. Calling them a 'distraction' is such an understatement, it's almost laughable...

So... go a little easy on her.

Mrs. Cac... I'd keep talking to NOP if I were you. He IS direct and in-your-face... but he is also kind and only has best intentions at heart. He helped me, certainly, with repetition and kindness, and I learned, from him and others here, how to desensitize after awhile. It was one of the greatest parts of my healing process.

So... when someone touches a nerve with you, and I understand it, honey, BELIEVE ME... try to let it run through you, allow yourself to feel it, and then allow yourself to feel it leaving your body.

I'm the one to talk, me being a rubber ball in a padded room at times... but I'm with ya, honey!

Corri

[mrsc]

Corri,

You have read my mind. You totally, completely, 100% get it. You have said everything I was thinking but couldn't write myself. Thank you so much. Thank you. Words can't express how grateful I am that you get it.

Thank you too, for your kind words and for pointing out that I really am making progress. So often it feels like such a lonely road that I start to doubt myself. It helps so much to read this from you, because I know you've been there.

Big hugs,
mrs.cac

[Crazy Eddie]

Crazy Ed:

I think you are applying hind-sight adult logic to a situation of a child who does not have the ability to reason in such a fashion.

Well, yes. I find it helps some to see with adult eyes that a behavior or a feeling was a response to a situation that you either misjudged or you are no longer facing, as a way to convince yourself to start letting go of it. Not that it gets you anywhere near all the way there, but at least you can begin to detach from it and stop identifying the behavior as an "inescapable part of you" or defending it or blaming it on unwitting third parties.

And little kids do have the ability to reason. They don't do it as well as we do, but they do reason and they do make choices. Sometimes those choices need to be revisited and altered in later life, but that happens with choices we make later in life as well.

Blame is a process of anger, and a critical step in the healing process. Some people get stuck in anger, and never complete their healing process. The fact that Ms. Cac can remove the anger from herself and direct at someone else is a good thing. It means it is no longer buried, and she is completely aware of it... and more importantly, can allower herself to actually feel it.

I guess I'm not really getting that. Directing anger at parents feels to much to me like a "Devil made me do it" defense. Maybe you're right, that it is a step along the way, but it feels so much like misplaced blame and a distorted view of what actually happened.

I'm not accusing anyone else of actually embracing the "devil made me do it" attitude... just reacting to my own strong temptation to fall into that trap.

It doesn't really matter how any one of us might have handled the exact same situation. It is purely speculation.

But speculation backed up by experience and research. We had choices, even back then. Our parents did not have all the power. We could have done something different. And we still can, although long habit makes it difficult.

I think where Mrs. Cac might be getting a little frustrated is when people tell her it is her dragon/demon to slay... when she is completely and utterly aware of it. I mean, I can well imagine her sitting in her chair, reading, and going, 'well, NO DOI!!'

Sorry about that.

Such a habit can take the form not only of tangible actions and words, but also a raising of defenses in response to certain innocuous situations. When those situations call for playing with someone else or for getting work done, raising the defenses are quite a distraction and tend to ruin the whole thing.

That's what a defense mechanism IS, and they aren't quite so simple to overcome. Calling them a 'distraction' is such an understatement, it's almost laughable...

Yes, it was a deliberate understatement. Hey look, another defense mechanism! Cut the monster down to size, laugh at it, and maybe I'll have what it takes to attack it.

Or maybe, as one that's tempermentally prone to distraction, calling this thing a "distraction" is a way to excuse myself for not having gotten the better of it after all these years. And I'm back to "the devil made me do it". See how tempting it is?