I think you are applying hind-sight adult logic to a situation of a child who does not have the ability to reason in such a fashion. As adults we can look back on our childhoods and perhaps see with different eyes... but the memories and associated feelings are still there.
Blame is a process of anger, and a critical step in the healing process. Some people get stuck in anger, and never complete their healing process. The fact that Ms. Cac can remove the anger from herself and direct at someone else is a good thing. It means it is no longer buried, and she is completely aware of it... and more importantly, can allower herself to actually feel it.
She even realizes how sensitive she is to the issue. I think that is phenomenal. You cannot heal something that you refuse to acknowledge.
It doesn't really matter how any one of us might have handled the exact same situation. It is purely speculation.
I think where Mrs. Cac might be getting a little frustrated is when people tell her it is her dragon/demon to slay... when she is completely and utterly aware of it. I mean, I can well imagine her sitting in her chair, reading, and going, 'well, NO DOI!!'
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Such a habit can take the form not only of tangible actions and words, but also a raising of defenses in response to certain innocuous situations. When those situations call for playing with someone else or for getting work done, raising the defenses are quite a distraction and tend to ruin the whole thing.
That's what a defense mechanism IS, and they aren't quite so simple to overcome. Calling them a 'distraction' is such an understatement, it's almost laughable...
So... go a little easy on her.
Mrs. Cac... I'd keep talking to NOP if I were you. He IS direct and in-your-face... but he is also kind and only has best intentions at heart. He helped me, certainly, with repetition and kindness, and I learned, from him and others here, how to desensitize after awhile. It was one of the greatest parts of my healing process.
So... when someone touches a nerve with you, and I understand it, honey, BELIEVE ME... try to let it run through you, allow yourself to feel it, and then allow yourself to feel it leaving your body.
I'm the one to talk, me being a rubber ball in a padded room at times... but I'm with ya, honey!
