No, I'm not making it worse than it was. I can't even bear to tell you guys - it's that bad. You'll all come through the computer to strangle me for my wrongdoings!!!! We left things on a really, really, really bad note - worse than it's ever been. It was mostly my fault. I was feeling good about the move yesterday and what I told him about it, but then multiple backslides occurred the rest of the day to the culmination of the big one last night... I just feel like he's probably got this horrid image of me in his mind right now, and I don't know if I should just let it be and just let my actions speak for themselves and let him go for a while, or if I need to say something to reiterate that I really need some time to think so that he doesn't think I'm just sitting home "waiting" for him to come home. Does that make sense? On the other hand, I don't want to make things worse either... I just want to do the right thing - I want him to be on edge again and give him a chance to miss the "real" me, not the psycho woman I turned into last night. I just feel like I'm doing this now on a sour note and that he's got the wrong image in his mind for me to leave the office with... What do you think?
Well, since we don't know what mortal SIN you committed, we're just guessing...so here is my guess. IF, and I do mean IF, you apologize at all, AGAIN, I'd just say "sorry I lost my cool last night. It was a backslide for me but won't happen again." That is the most I'd say IF anything. If you already apologized, then aren't you pursuing and smothering, yet again, under the guise of "apologizing"? Just asking. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I should just let it be and just let my actions speak for themselves and let him go for a while
That's what seems to work with him (aka Vegas) so do it.
Get on with your life and let him get on with his. He's lived with you for more than 10 years, he knows what you're really like, and he's probably as surprised as you are about whatever it was that happened because I'm guessing it was pretty out of character?
I like what your therapist said about spoilt brat vis-a-vis scared little girl. That's the other problem with girls like us - we are very hard on ourselves and each other. We need to give ourselves a break sometimes.
V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
We all make those big mistakes. I did one yesterday too and was so bummed at my self. But I beat my self up all yesterday. Surprising today h probably called me 10 times and was really positive and up beat.. go figure. He was almost to nice. I had made up my mind after I had that fall backwards that I had to completely detach except for business. Now after he calls I know I have to but it is hard when he is trying to be nice. Is is for real or just trying to make me feel better.? We are all or have been in this same situation. No one said that it is easy. Don't expect to much just because he said he is thinking about working on your M. Just like I am trying to decide is he being to nice or what is he up to. Is it honest or guilt.
Virginia, The spoiled brat syndrome is interesting like YoYo I am an only child but never really thought of it as spoiled. My mom was strict that I would not be spoiled. But we all are in a sense. I probaly like 2940 aren't use to failing at to many things. I have done well in school, sports, my boys about anything I have ever tried. So it is very hard to not think that I have failed my family and H so I tried to hang on. After listening to you guys I realize that is the wrong way. 2940 we have to detach. You have the perfect time now with your office being at home.
I agree have some music on or TV for noise. Make yourself have a schedule to keep you on track at least till you feel comfortable working at home. I know that works for me. If I don't sometimes I get easily side tracked.
Thanks, everyone. Yes, these definitely were bad mistakes, but hopefully we'll get through them okay.
I didn't talk to H any more yesterday at all after I apologized to him in the morning. No e-mail, no phone call, no seeing him in person. It was hard, but it was much easier since I was home. I haven't talked to him at all yet today either. It's so hard because I'm worried that he's just relieved that he's not in touch with me - rather than that he misses me. I'm sure he probably will be relieved for a while due to the huge backslide I made, but hopefully that will be replaced in time with the feelings of missing me. I just feel like I should be DOING/SAYING something; it's so hard to just sit here and do nothing.
So I decided I think at least for now not to say anything further to him about me taking some time to think. I still don't feel good about how we left things, but I did apologize yesterday morning about it. I just didn't reiterate that obviously with that psycho performance by me that I have a lot I need to sort through... I may still mention that at some point. We'll just play it by ear for now.
So I got some better sleep last night and slept in this morning a little bit, so now I'm feeling guilty regarding work. I'm going to get the rest of the boxes all unpacked today of the office stuff and get everything organized so that I can get back to getting some things done.
I'm feeling that cold, empty, lonely feeling inside again today. I want so badly for this to work out, and it's so hard to keep going through this day after day after day. My heart hurts...
Tam, We all have meltdowns, we're human! My experience has been that these meltdowns have very little influence on the outcome of the sitch as long as they are only periodic. You apologized and now move on, don't give it more due than it deserves. Just get back on track, as you are doing, and carry on with your Dbing plan. Tuck your backslide away and be done with it!
...enough with the apologies...overkill...too many become pure meaningless...you apologized - end of story...no more.
Today is your assessment.
Tam, you have a dyfunction within your emotional interpersonal relationships with family/H...it's clinically called a neurosis. Between the growth from childhood emotions, to adulthood emotions there is a transitional stage...it's the adjustment stage. Most grow forward...however, some remain frozen, due to a fear of the feelings of abandonment...or other beliefs. Your fear arises from someone not being there to secure your fear of being left. You ran back to your child-like safety zone for comfort, where you remain.
Your inability to understand this is due to you not knowing how to react any differently...thus, you keep repeating patterns. This is all you know what to do...it's comfortable. This is why your behavior is child-like...immediate gratification, my pain, my hurt, me, me, me, it's all about me (you). You don't care about your husband's needs of space and time, his need to get his identity back...it's all about you and what is best for you...the child.
It was likely caused by his need to seperate from your grip of control, suffocation, manipulation...the child held on tighter. Your need to be attached to him 24/7 is what keeps him away. He cannot do anything without you being apart of it. Every marriage has three components...you...spouse...couple...when an imbalance occurs, one or all suffer. You need time for yourself, friends, family...he does as well...without each other involved.
Sunday, he raced his car...his time, his hobby, he asked his dad to go...father son time...he never called you to go...yet Tam shows up...white flag...here I am, don't forget me...unless he asks you to go anywhere...don't assume that marriage license entitles you to go everywhere he goes...respect him, respect his need for space. The path you are on will kill this marriage 100%.
Work with your therapist...she will correct this neurosis.... but until you resolve this, it will spiral...you are not mentally ill, disturbed, or need meds. Yes, I'm qualified to assess you based on your posts, never before have I met you, or talked to you...it shouldn't have been hard to figure out.
I'm giving you this push to progress your healing...plus, you just saved about 4 50 min. sessions with your therapist...
I have a question for you. Are you a psych doctor or something of the like? I ask b/c many years ago my H was diagnosed w/ immature personality disorder. I have tried doing research, but have not found much on the subject.
whether your H is relieved to get some space to himself and away from you, OR misses you, NEITHER will be helped by you inserting yourself into his space, again.
I don't know 1210's qualifications, but he/she sure (don't know your sitch, 1210, so, no offense) hit the nail on the head with the suffocation/causation. Whether it was developmental or traumatically caused, your approach is NOT solution based, nor is it productive to keep wondering when he'll come back or why why why????? Sorry if I'm repeating myself, but I met a 10 y/o girl at a summer camp for kids with cancer. She said "I used to wonder why I had cancer and I'd ask God, 'why ME? why? why? why?...then I decided 'I just do" and now I'm trying to have fun..." So, let us learn from the words of a child, to deal with what IS and not with what we wish, fear, hope or cannot KNOW. Life is short. Don't waste so much of it inflicting more pain on yourself. Much of the pain you feel, really is self inflicted. Trust God, or the universe, that the love you and your H had at some time, remains and will resurface...if you don't keep drowning it with Needs that Must be filled Now!! "Love is patient..." (Corinthians).
So, now Just stop the nonsense and knock it off. Believe it or not, you CAN live without contacting your husband. When this gets to be too much for you, instead of reaching for your h, for NOW, reach out to someone else, US, or God, anyone but your h. You'll only make it worse by continuosly draining him of his time/emotions, etc. with Your needs...please THINK about this. If you constantly run to him for your needs b/c you fear being without him soooo much that you keep on this path, you will bring about the very thing you most fear; abandonment. good luck, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
