Is it over for me?

[Yoyowife]

I need to start exercising more. I've lost several pounds- called the divorce busting diet, ha! Now I'm at a standstill and need to start working at it harder, so I guess I'm getting back to normal, because unfortunately my appetite has returned!

I have had so many compliments from adults and my students. It makes it nice. It's kind of strange and embarassing when your 18 year old students start calling you the hot teacher.

[runningoutoftime]

I agree with CL,
You do need some new activities and maybe even some new friends.

I don't think my married friends would have gotten me through my separation/divorce. I think you need to find single friends and start thinking and living like you are single (I don't mean dating, but healing as a single person).

P.s. I hear you about the appetite! I find I have to work very hard to stay "sad" and keep the weight off.

[PennyMB]

YOYO,

I feel the lonliness you are going thru. It is hard to be an only child. I think it is tougher now that we are grown. I sometimes wish I had a brother or sister just to share thoughts with. I am very lucky I have close friends but sometimes I can't tell them what is going on. My H sister is one of my closest friends. She has been so strong for me during all this. She has known what is going on from the start. She still treats H the same but is really disgusted with him. I hate that she knows so much but she has heard alot even from OW SIL. Hows that for a drama. I think I live in a soap opera sometimes.

My friends are married too. They are always good to invite me and I usually go but I know what you mean about the lonliness. It is really a tough one. You just wish you had that hug or closeness back? Am I right? I told my H one day that he didn't have to be lonely because he had her. I know not a smart thing.

Your D's sound like nice girls who are there for you. That means alot. My B's always call to see how I'm doing and if I am alright. That really means alot when they are there for you.

I live in the country so I know how hard it is to find somethings to do. Is there a movie theatre in your town? It is great when your kids are involved. That used to save me because I could stay busy going to the kids activities. Keep yourself involved. Do you have a hobby or a pet?

You are a very strong person and that is very admirable. That is a compliment when you are the "Hot Teacher". Have you done something for yourself. Changed your hair or new outfit? I kinda changed my style of hair and for my birthday I had to by some new pants because of the DBing Diet that you talked about.
It is amazing like you said the compliments.

Keep up the good work. You are very strong. I know how hard it is for them to act like they are here with you and you know that they are still seeing the OW. I have to really fight with my self not to snap and say something which I did not to recently.

I am here for you. I can't give you to much info. But I am here....Hang in there.

[Yoyowife]

Thanks everyone for the encouragement. Yesterday was better. I think I was just having a pity party for myself Monday night. I guess with everything we are going through we are entitled every once in a while as long as WAS doesn't know about it.

My D and I did a little shopping. She really likes to decorate the house,( my little interior decorator)so I let her pick out a few new things for the den. That was fun.

D is on the dance/drill team at the high school and recently had tryouts and made it for the 2nd year. She has decided she wants to really get in shape for it so she wants to start a serious diet so we will do that together. Although I've lost several pounds I have more I can lose. So as you can see I'm fine.

Penny,
I have done several things for myself. I've let my hair grow and virtually bought a new wardrobe. Everything else was falling off. My pants literally looked like one of those ads where the person has the pants on and holding the pants out in front at the waist about 6 inches. So I definitely feel good about that. I was getting nails done, but I stopped that because I have so much end of the year paperwork to do it's hard to type with the nails, so I'll treat myself when it's all done!
I'm here for you also, Penny.

[Yoyowife]

Okay I have a question for all of you experts. My H got mail, a bill, here today. I debated on calling and telling him. I was just going to wait and let older D take to him when she came home from college this weekend. I decided that might seem a little hostile and obvious so I just called him. I told him I just wanted to let you know that you had a bill from XYZ Co. He said oh yeah that's where I had to get some work done on some equipment. I said okay just wanted to tell you that. He said okay and I said bye. I did not engage in anymore conversation. Exchange was pleasant. Did I do the right thing or should I have asked him about his day? Is this a good form of detachment? I haven't done very well in the past, so I need some good advice.

[runningoutoftime]

I think you did fine. It's okay to pull away a little. I would do that and then every once in awhile surprise my husband with something completely sweet and loving. The thing is, when I did this I expected nothing in return. By that time I believed him completely out of my life so whenever I did something I figured it was only because I felt like it, but I knew he was completely gone. I had stopped expecting anything from him. That's where you need to be.

[Concerned_Listener]

I debated on calling and telling him. I was just going to wait and let older D take to him when she came home from college this weekend. I decided that might seem a little hostile and obvious so I just called him. Is this a good form of detachment? I haven't done very well in the past, so I need some good advice.

YoYo,
Well done! You didn't want to present the exchange as negative, so you took the initiative of having a straightforward conversation. You also didn't crumble and look for reassurance from him regarding the R. This gave you an opportunity to practice, so that you could move toward acceptance and detachment.

It will be important for you to continue to practice and experience the letting-go process and trusting that detachment doesn't have to mean that he will get more distant. This is a fear you will have to face--though not alone.

CL

[Yoyowife]

Okay, everyone, 2x4 time for me. Hit me with your best shot.

Last night my D and I went to dinner, a little shopping, and a movie with some friends, mother/daughter, that we have known forever. We had a great time. My H called both of my Ds to see what they were doing. So I'm sure he knew that we were at the movies. So I was proud that he knew I wasn't sitting home on a Friday night. Remember last weekend I did well by going out of town to a women's conference. So I've been doing well on the PMA and GAL.

Well tonight my D's cell rings and I hear her tell whoever she is talking to that she and a friend are just hanging around the house and going to rent a movie. Then I hear her say oh she is in the den. When she got off the phone I said who was that? Your sister? She said no, it was Dad. I was feeling all smug that he had asked about me. I take D and her friend to video store and waited in the car. I had a weak moment and decided to call H. I called him and asked him what he was up to? He said he was helping his dad with something. Then we talked about my day a little. He said he had talked to both daughters to see what they were doing. I said well if you don't have plans why don't you come hang out with me. Okay now take your best shot and swing that 2x4. He said I don't know. I said well you don't have to. He said well I need to come over tomorrow to uncover the pool. I said well you can come over tonight if you want also. I said are you? He said probably not. I said okay, I'll just see you tomorrow and we can uncover the pool.

I was so determined to not contact him. I even reread Dobson's "Love Must be Tough" again and was thinking that's what I need to do. I was going to do it for myself, not just him! I had resolved to be distant, and here I go again! I am so weak!

[Concerned_Listener]

Okay, everyone, 2x4 time for me. Hit me with your best shot.


I was so determined to not contact him. I even reread Dobson's "Love Must be Tough" again and was thinking that's what I need to do. I was going to do it for myself, not just him! I had resolved to be distant, and here I go again! I am so weak!

YoYo,
I don't think a 2X4 is needed here. You are trying to refrain from pursuing, but keep slipping-up. I commend you for trying. You're probably doing better than you're giving yourself credit for. Are you able to go an increasingly longer period of time without calling him?

I have some ideas about what you need to do differently, to help you with your efforts at detachment. You need to participate in activities that are going to help you be stronger. You are being active with your family, and that is a source of strength and a treasure in your life, and should continue to be cultivated.

What's missing is you doing activities independently. GAL means not being busy with the activities you've always done, but branching-out and cultivating new connections and interests, or rekindling old ones. This is your opportunity for personal growth, and to awaken aspects of yourself that have been dormant.

A turning point in moving me from "pain to power," was when I attended a writer's group about two months ago. I now attend the group bi-weekly, and write daily. This is a hobby and interest of mine that needed a greater commitment from me, rather than occassional dabbling.

It has added a missing piece to a puzzle. I needed a hobby that was simply mine, and honored my skills and interests. I feel like my life is in better balance, and more vital. I need to keep this hobby even if the M improves.

CL

[Yoyowife]

I had a baby step yesterday.

After church my daughters and I went out to eat. While eating oldest D got a phone call from my H wanting to know where we were. He was at the house to uncover the pool. She told him we would be home soon to help him. When we got there he was mowing the yard. I looked at the caller ID and I had a missed call from him and a missed call on my cell, it was on silent from church. So he tried to contact me before he called D.

After we got finished with the pool. I decided it was time to have a talk with him. I asked him if he loved the OW because if he did I would walk away and let them be happy. I know it goes againtst DB, but it goes along with the Dobson book "Love Must Be Tough". He said I don't love her and I don't see her after work.

He said this has been hard on me too. He said many a nights I lie in bed thinking about this. He said when I left we didn't have anything in common anymore. I said do you still feel that way. He didn't answer that one. I said what about 20 years of marriage and two children. He said I know, but I got tired of watching tv by myself in the bedroom. Even though I think that was his choice to do that, I didn't say that. I just said I'm sorry and I was wrong I was too wrapped up with the girls. He said if I was to come home now you would come in there and watch tv, but it wouldn't be what you like to watch and that wouldn't be fair to you. I said you are wrong, I would come in there because I want to be with you. I asked if he had talked to his attorney again (last time he talked to him was in Dec. just to get advice)and he said no. He asked if I had talked to mine. I said I don't have an attorney. So it sounds like he is confused and not ready to file for divorce.

I stopped talking about it because I didn't want to get into an argument or start crying. We then had a good conversation about or daughters and their upcoming plans.

I invited him to stay for dinner. I had to go to the grocery store and he and oldest D stayed on the deck and had a good visit. We had a nice dinner. When he left he kissed my bye.

So my question is what now? I know not to pursue, but is there anything else I should be doing? We have many things to do together coming up in May. We have to move daughter home from college, youngest D has dance recital, and we are doing some volunteer work together on Memorial Day.