Downhill and off a Cliff

[OpenGuy]

Ok, I had a sick feeling in my stomach as I read your post. I think you probably could have been saying word for word what my husband would have been saying or was saying right before and leading up to dropping the D bomb (well most of it - not the act thing). Anyway, my H ended up doing a lot around the house trying to help me to be "happy" and less stressed. I had become very angry, bitter, resentful as I was trying to be someone I wasn't -- the "mommy" that I thought I should be. I ended up taking my H for granted for years and didn't see him any longer as a lover, etc. I ended up taking my stress & unhappiness out on him and no longer took care of our M or him -- I was totally focused on the children and how stressed out I was all the time and was not basically just not a very happy person.

She totally admits that she takes me for granted. She just thinks that's OK until the kids "get bigger". She doesn't understand why I don't see it like she does. I don't mind coming in last, I just want to be in the race. It's not that I get affection leftovers; it is that the affection fridge is empty. What I don't get is that as she gets more stressed, she does less and less with the children and yet still can't find time for me. I'm sure some of it is self-image. Stress = equals weight gain for her. It's never bothered me until the past 48 hours.
I really wish I understood this mom-stress thing. What is she stressing about? She's a very capable mother until recently. What is this dark place where there is no lover, no mom just seemingly endless excuses?

My H too tried to talk to me about things and I would become angry or defensive.

It gives me so much hope to no that someone came out of that place. Sometimes, it just seems like it has been going on forever and you wonder how it's ever going to end.

I'm not suggesting you drop the D bomb, but it may take something pretty serious to get her to wake up & see what is going on. I never thought that D was an option, therefore never even thought about losing my husband or what I would be losing or what I was taking for granted. She may need a serious wake up call -- that's what it took for me, as sad as that may be.

We've both thought about divorce, but neither of us wants it. I am really afraid that if she keeps lying to our friends to cover up what's really going on in our marriage that we may go to the place where our marriage ends in a whimper not a bang. This scared me because I could see myself getting to a place where I walked away from the marriage without a backwards glance and that is just devastating. I guess when it isn't devastating, you're already there.

I don't know what will jar her. She will often promise future sex, future sex-drive or wax nostalgic about "the sex kitten that she used to be". I've cried, I've stormed, I've slept on the couch, I've talked. I just don't know. I'm a lot less emotionally needy than I used to be. As she withdrew affection, I got more needy. She found that unattractive and became more withdrawn. I've learned that I can't depend on her for affection and become more independent. She doesn't seem to have noticed.

I'll tell her what's going on with me tonight and see what she says. I'll do my best to stay upbeat no matter what. In the meantime I'll continue to enjoy what I do with the kids and work on me.

Thanks
OpenGuy