As always, thanks, everyone, for your guidance and encouragement.

I had to go to the job site this morning and stopped at the job site where H was to apologize for last night. I told him I was really sorry and that I was embarrassed for the way I had acted. He said it was okay. I told him I didn't want to mess things up with my behavior, and he said that everything is still okay. We'll see... I absolutely cannot repeat what I did yesterday.

I saw my counselor today. I told her what happened yesterday, and we talked about my impulsive reactions, what causes them, etc. We talked about the fact that intellectually I GET what I need to do but that I'm not internalizing it to follow through on what needs to be done. We talked about the feelings of being scared and desperate. She told me to get a doll or whatever I chose that for me would symbolize the scared, desperate little girl in me and to if possible have it with me, even when I'm around H, and to work on "taking care" of that little girl, not doing things to hurt her. The goal of this is to help me work on my own self-respect. As you've all told me, I am relying on H to make me feel better and to fix all of this rather than relying on myself and getting my own personal power back. She said I'm not allowing myself to deeply feel the scared, desperate emotions and to "take care" of them appropriately. I can't remember what she called this, something like psychokinetics maybe? The idea is for me to get in touch with my feelings on an internal level rather than just on an intellectual level. She said it won't happen immediately and that I'll need to practice with it.

She also told me that I need to practice writing down what the good things are about me so that I can work on feeling better about myself. She said since I write to you guys, my "journaling," that it would be a good place to do it. This is really hard for me, but here goes:

1.) I'm caring and giving and have a big heart.
2.) My friendship is never-ending once it is gained.
3.) I'm smart
4.) I'm pretty
5.) I am cheerful to be around (when I'm not going through hell...)
6.) I'm a hard worker
7.) I'm driven
8.) I'm very family-oriented
9.) I have a "never say die" I can do this attitude
10.) I would do anything for anyone

Okay. That's enough of a list for today. Again, this feels funny, but it's supposed to help me with my self-esteem...

So I'm going to work really hard this week to just let H go, no phone calls, no e-mails, no faxes, no seeing him. It's going to be hard, and I know it will help - both of us. He told me yesterday that it was when I went to Vegas by myself that he had decided to give us another chance, that it was not being around me and also not being "questioned." Even though I suspected that that was the case, he now has confirmed it. I just need to get myself mentally back to that place so that I can focus on giving us both space and give him the chance to miss me again...

Well, gotta run for now. I'll check in later. Thanks again for your encouragement and advice. I'M GOING TO DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!