Downhill and off a Cliff

[OpenGuy]

Our sex life has slowly gone downhill over time. We used to have great sex multiple times a week and it was very satisfying for both of us. Now we have sex about twice a month. It is very forced. I cannot satisfy her anymore and she won't talk about it. It took a long time for her to admit that anything was different. Now that she admits things are different, she doesn't think that they are a problem.

Friday (4/13) I found SSM online at amazon and read the first chapter. It so sounded like my marriage. It was like a transcript from our house. I was really ready to see if it could help. I didn't know if the conclusions would be right, but it stated the problems with my marriage to a T. I was really ready to let go of a lot of anger and frustration and let things heal.

However, this weekend we had a big gathering at house. I had put off starting anything because of all the stressors with the gathering. When our friends were around, she was flirty and fun and passionate and kissed me like I hadn't been kissed in months. She smiled at me. She made jokes to our friends about "knocking before you come over" and "leaving a message on the machine". I was ecstatic. As soon as they were gone, it all went back to zero affection. Doesn't talk, always tired, always stressed, avoids going to bed at the same time. It was just a show.

A lot of my hurt and resentment came back, but they were tempered by two new emotions that I had never felt before: apathy and disgust. I *really* don't want to have sex with her now. I'd love to put things back to the way they were years ago, but I just can't see going back to the bad sex. It's really the first time in my marriage that I have not wanted sex with her. I feel bile in my throat when I look at her. The little show she put on for our friends just makes me want to puke. I've always found her so attractive and the weight just didn't make a difference to me, but now I am disgusted by her. It's a whole new light and it isn't flattering. This is a *huge* change for me. I've always desired my wife very intensely.

She has always told me that she would feel more amorous if I: did more around the house, lost weight, helped more with the kids, took anti-depressants. Well, I've done all of the above. I do *all* of the household dishes and laundry. I clean elsewhere around the house. I supervise the childrens' chores and homework. I manage the kids' activities. I run 3 days a week and lift weights 3 days a week. I work out at home so that I don't miss time with her and the kids. I don't cook dinner because she gets mad when I do. (that's HER job) I'm a little tired of cold cereal and PBJ sandwiches for dinner and may start cooking anyway. I went to the doctor, with her supervising and got a regimen of very light SSRIs. I have to admit that I was depressed. It helped me sleep better almost immediately. It's helped improve the attitudes around the house as it has helped me deal with things better. None of this over the last five years has helped our sex life.

Things really came to a head in February when I got her the usual flowers, and candy and the DVD "Ghost" for valentines day. It was "too much". It was "desperate" and "pathetic". We had a big flap-up over that. I've always tried to do the little things with cards, notes, flowers, and whispers. Over the years they've been less and less appreciated and after Valentine's day, I just don't want to do them any more. I never sent gifts when in trouble. I wanted gifts to be for positive times. When I screwed up, I tried to face the music and change my behavior. This seems to have backfired on me.

I haven't talked to her about my new feelings. I haven't told her that the SSRIs help with being depressed about lack of sex, but that I'm still unhappy with our sex life. She is very defensive and agressive if I mention that I'm unhappy. If I'm tell her that I'm still unhappy with how I'm being treated, then I think she'll just want to up my medication until I'm happy with her. I really don't know where to begin.