MLC sex craziness, and MIL's opinion

[Struggling_Husba]

How do you find these things out? Just curious...not snooping are you?

Guilty as charged.

Okay your MIL: Always listen to what someone is saying before determining whether what they have to say is valid. Can you tell us what she said? And then yes, take her with a grain of salt. But you did not describe he comment as against you and in support of your wife...it came off as her way of offering advice. And that is a nice thing--whether you take it or leave it.

She basically said that based on those two comments I made that she sensed that I did not really understand women's sensitivities and feelings, that I did not know when the things I said made a women feel dismissed or hurt or devalued. This was hard for me to hear because my wife's complaint is that I did not validate her feelings, that I criticized and disparaged her, and that as a result her self esteem was destroyed, she felt worthless and hopeless, etc.

I can take this criticism to heart (as I have) and try to work on being more sensitive. But the risk here is that I am internalizing a criticism which may not be valid and that I am beating myself up for no reason. I have many women friends and colleagues who do not perceive me or experience me in this way. Could it be that I was only this way with my wife?

The other way to take my MIL's comment is just to recognize that my W and my MIL are made of the same stuff, and that one key trait they share is an intrinsic feeling of worthlessness or at least a tendency to interpret even innocent comments in a way that makes them feel judged, criticized or dismissed. I'm sure that my task in the MLC is to learn about myself in this area. So I am open to these ideas, even though they are painful.

Now about your wife not ever being able to talk dirty with you...

I married a prude too.

It is the fantasy thing. Sweetheart as admitted (something that he unknowingly said in the beginning also) that he thought the OW was wild...and he sought her for that experience. Sweetheart is at heart a 'good catholic boy.' You don't marry wild, you f*&k wild. It was never meant to be serious...though they get sucked into it being that way.

Ironically I don't think the OW was so much Wild as she was Trashy...and Sweetheart stereotyped those together. Sure she's a bit wild, but I don't think she wants to be. She just hasn't sought a lifestyle that will pull her out of the trash.

Your wife needs to have these fantasies and she absolutely is unable include you. This isn't about you being an authority figure like a parent (yuck), but that you are the good guy, and she fears disappointing and being judged by you.

Hey, I've got fantasies...and I really fear sharing them with Sweetheart...or anyone else for that matter. They are not based in reality and not anything I want to actually happen.

Sometimes MLCer try to live out there fantasies completely, and sometimes they are only able to act them out--texting and verbalizing rather than physical. And things can go to the physical level too...we just don't know.

The peculiar thing is that they never make plans to get together physically (at least they have not yet). And they could. He could fly in and they could have a rendezvous in her apartment and I would never know. So I also suspect that she (and maybe even he) is content with the fantasy and may have trepidation about the reality. I firmly believe they WILL get together physically once we are separated. I think there is just too much anticipation for them not to consummate this thing physically. What will happen when fantasy meets reality is anybody's guess.

MLCers become their opposite. They become WILD.

I too wonder about this particular OM being a stalker or pedophile--if things are that graphic. I would like to hear what others think about you doing some research on him. But what then...if you find out he is a rapist or something> How to let her find out without letting on you checked up?

So please...others what are all of your opinions.

I know what's best for me---to stop looking. It just hurts me, and it's a pathological way of trying to stay connected and to retain some control. None of which help me. And it's a form of pursuing. And it's dishonest. I need to stop and I need your support to remind me what a bad idea it is. I've had a helluva time translating this from intellect to gut to behavior.

Thanks RCR.

-SH