Is it over for me?

[runningoutoftime]

One thing I want to point out is just how potent these affairs can be. I don't think there's any clear cut answer about how long they last, but my guess is that continued contact can make it particularly difficult. Yoyo wife, I think the fact your husband works with her makes it really difficult. On the positive side, it's a real testamony to you that he's still in the marriage in spite of how much contact he has with her. Let's just pray it's negative and that she get's offered a better job in another state.

SLmom, in my own sitch my husband's affair lasted about 8 months. For him it was an MLC "exit affair." It provided him with a good reason and emotional support for divorce (just as I was gathering proof and getting information he filed).

In some ways it's kind of surprising to me it lasted so long because she lives out of state and is married (it did last much longer than I realized). They were only able to see each other about once a month for a class they took together and when my husband needed to travel there for work (they work for the same company but different divisons).

Anyhow, even after the physical contact dwindled down and began to end (only on very rare occurances does he need to travel there), it was very difficult for them to let go of the affair.

By the way, I think it helped that I told her husband. She was completely frantic after that!!! Actually, if I hadn't told him perhaps it would have gone longer. I don't know.

[Yoyowife]

Root,
My major problem is that the OW is going through a divorce. I just worry sometimes that H is cake-eating. But I do wonder how committed he is to her if he comes around me so much. I keep hoping that our history and children will wake him up. I do not contact him unless necessary, but everytime he is nice I can't resist him. When he is around I never discuss our R even though I want to ask him if I am spinnig my wheels. I was very pleased how he responded to our minor crisis Sat. night with D. He came right over and we talked it over and then decided what to do together. I think he appreciated that I included him. I wanted to fall apart and tell him that this wouldn't be happening if he was here to help me parent her, but I didn't. I just showed concern and we discussed it. Root, do you have any advice where I should go with this? Should I continue with what I am doing, or should I go more dark? Oh, by the way I don't see OW moving out of state unless she finds some other sucker to seduce.

I would appreciate input from others also.

[Yoyowife]

This has to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It seems everytime that we spend time together it just makes it harder on me afterwards because I realize how much I miss him. I'm sitting here crying as I type this. I know that I need to stay away from him, but my heart doesn't agree. It is approaching 6 months since he left. It has been such rollercoaster ride. He acts like he wants to be around me then he gets distant again. He didn't do anything tonight to make me feel that way, but I had to talk to him about a car insurance paper he brought by for older D and I could tell he didn't even worry about seeing me tonight. I didn't let him know that I was hurting I just talked about the subject at hand and got off the phone. It certainly doesn't help that the OW is his secretary that he sees everyday. I just feel so hopeless sometimes. Any advice would be helpful.

[chicki]

I have known about OW for 8 months and I finaly took a stand in that I told him that I have given him 8 months for him to figure things out and if OW is what he wants to let go of me forever(he no longer talks about D and now just says he will not leave his own house). I have started detachment ,he can't sleep in our bed anymore and I will no longer have sex w/ him. I did not have a death wish formyself. I need to get tested for stds. WE all should really protect ourselfs since they think OW is so great they surely don't think they can catch anything. I told him OW is single and is probably not only sleeping w/ him alone. I need to keep on living for my daughters. I asked months ago to take away my sexual desires for him ( even it it's just temporary) until HIS plans for us are finished.
I told him he was getting too fat off all the cake eating. Almost everyday last week I kept pushing for him to move out. I said I am sure OW wants you 24/7. H said yeah ,but I don't want that. I said does SHE know that? Ha.

[Yoyowife]

Chiki,
Thanks for replying. Does your H still live with you? Mine has been gone for 6 months. Am I wrong to think if he is coming to around he is on the fence? Is this what was happening with your H? I definitely have to work on detaching from him without pushing him away. Any suggestions on family activities?

YY

[lovelyolive]

Yoyo - I am in the same boat. I know how hard it is to be with your H, having good times, and yet the A is still going on.. It just makes you wonder what it will take to actually end it w/OW. Although my H says it's EA now and has never left the house, it is just so hard to remain positive. I don't know that I have any advice for you but I'm here with you...

[Yoyowife]

Lo,
Thanks for the reply. Often I wonder how this will end up. It's so hard to stand for your marriage when you see how careless they are treating it. I guess the positives we can take is that they must be confused because they have not filed.
Take care of yourself, I'm here for you too...

[Concerned_Listener]

YoYo,
Your pain is so evident on the boards. There is a grieving process we LBS have to go thru. I hope it's getting easier for you with each passing month, and that you feel like you're getting stronger. I know that you're working on not pursuing him, maintaining positive connection, and GAL activities.

What are your greatest fears at this time? You seem like you're such a strong person, but something is keeping you from detaching from the situation, and accepting the state of your M. What are you afraid to face? What are you having trouble accepting?

You seem to be looking for the right strategy that will make things better, and bring him back. You're doing a good job of maintaining positive connections with him, rather than allowing anger/resentment to get in the way. The missing piece is addressing your inner turmoil, so that you can relax more into the situation.

Detaching from the situation, doesn't mean that you're giving-up. It's relating to the situation in a way that is healthy for you, and gives him the space to work-thru whatever he's struggling with.

CL

[Yoyowife]

CL,
I guess I haven't accepted being alone yet. It's been a tough year. My oldest D went off to college for the first time in Aug. and then in Oct. H dropped bomb. I still have D15 at home and sometimes it's so hard to stay strong in front of her.

I feel so alone many times. My mother died several years ago and my dad lives in another state. Although I talk to him about once a week I only see him about every 6 months. I am also an only child. I have several wonderful friends, but they are married and I don't want to intrude on their family times. Don't get me wrong I do go out with friends every so often though. I have a couple of friends who have been angels through all of this.

I also live in a town where there are not many activities to get involved in. I attended that Women of Faith Conference last weekend. I could tell my H was interested in my activities because he asked who all went, where it was, what it was, and if I did anything afterwards. I did have a wonderful time and I let him know it. Thankfully, I have my youngest D who keeps me very active. She is involved in lots of things so I go and support her. I'm friends with many of the parents who also attend the events.

[Concerned_Listener]

CL,
I guess I haven't accepted being alone yet. It's been a tough year. My oldest D went off to college for the first time in Aug. and then in Oct. H dropped bomb.

I feel so alone many times. My mother died several years ago and my dad lives in another state. I have several wonderful friends, but they are married and I don't want to intrude on their family times. Don't get me wrong I do go out with friends every so often though. I have a couple of friends who have been angels through all of this.

I also live in a town where there are not many activities to get involved in. Thankfully, I have my youngest D who keeps me very active. She is involved in lots of things so I go and support her. I'm friends with many of the parents who also attend the events.

YoYo,
It sounds like you've gone thru a series of losses in a short period of time--death of mother, daughter off to college, separation with H. It's no wonder your reeling from this.
It also sounds like you appreciate the positives you have in your life--your activities with your D, your network of other parents, and your friends. However, the loneliness lingers on.

It sounds like you need to branch-out and try some new activities. Your current activities don't sustain you enough given the losses you've had. You need to replace the positives you used to have with new connections.

You haven't taken advantage of the freedom that you currently have. This is an opportunity for personal growth. What kind of interests and talents do you have that you might like to cultivate? What activities did you used to enjoy when you were single or childless, and could be taken-up again? I recommend that you begin brainstorming.

CL