Yes... they are good at that. They make it seem like it's this innocent invitation. My H's Ow does the same stuff - "See how nice I am".. It's just a bunch of manipulating bs to get closer to our H's.
The other day my H told me ahead of time (for the first time) that he was not coming home the next day but will be back the following night after work. This was after I had told him he did not need to explain (b/c I no longer ask) where he is or what he is doing). Here latley w/out my asking he will explain himself for being late or whatever so the other day when he was late from work and he had told his sister to come over to fix his laptop, but he was still not home, I had to call him for somereason. He returned my call and was surprised his sister was at our place already. As he expalins where he was at I (nicely and calmly) said that he need not expalin b/c we both know that I already know about the OW. I also told him that many months a ago I had asked the lord to take away any and all my sexual desires that I have for him. Ofcoarse, he did not beleive this, but whatever I expalined the reasons why I don't need or want to have sex w/ him and the other reason is b/c I do not have a death wish by catching any diseases. When he arrived home he was frusturated I suppose b/c he thought I did not beleive he was not w/ OW, so he pulled his shorts down and shoved his you-know-what in my face! and said here smell I have not done anything!!I probably should have walked away, but instead (clamly) I said well you had plenty of time to wash up. This was when he told me he did not do it today ,but will tomorrow when he spends the night over there. Last week it was also a TUesday when he did not spend the night at home, so I said oh ok I guess Tuesdays is the night when she must be kidless.
Nevertheless......to my surprise the next morning, Tuesday morning he took (only that my eye could see) was a pair of work pants as he was leaving and reminded me that he was not coming home after work. I just said ok see you later. BUT then he leaned over and kissed my forehead as he said goodbye..hmm..guilt???? I can't remembber the last time he did that!!!
Can someone tell me if guilt is connectgted in any way to their feelings about us, I mean does it mean they still care????????????????????????????????
Are you sure you want to file? I think you are just upset right now.
You do need to stop provoking your H.
You two just go at it back and forth back and forth. Even if he did leave the OW now, what kind of marriage will you have? How will you sucessfully restore it?
I want your marriage to work for you. I think since he has not moved out, it is a good sign. If he really wanted out, he would have moved out no matter what.
I think he came back home because he is starting to feel guilty. But I think you may continue to make him feel guilty over and over. That is not good, he will give up. I had to stop myself as well. I kept reminding my H of his stupid text messages with a coworker. He says it stopped. I believe him. I can not keep reminding him of his faults. I have to show that I can forgive him.
You do not want to be back in this situation in a few years.
DO you pray? There is a good book I picked up. It is written below. It made me feel at peace. I think you could use it in your sitch as well.
Chicki I think you have more influence over your H than you think.
What makes you think I have influence on my H? I guess I don't see it over his stubborness and super machoness.
Yesturday, I decided to go back to my sweet loving self and "kill 'em w/ kindness" which seem to have worked in the past. I gave him a call at his work (I have not done that in a long time). I was cheerful and acting "as if", but I tried not to pressure him but first stating that I needed a favor IF and only if he was coming home tonight. What is it? I am cooking spagehetti and if you could please stop by the store and buy some garlic bread? Sure, I guess , but don't get use to it,this is a phrase he uses a lot after we had not been talking for awhile and I attempt to be kind and make the first move (as usual). Thanks so much I appreciate it!, I repleid.
As we sat in front of the tube eating ,he was proceeding to tell me something about work when he said "I know you probably don't care,but.... he went to tell me how he made sells of the week for the 2nd time in one month and hopefully he can make it for the quarter and if he does he will get $1000.00! I said wow what an incentive!! I said how great it is that they formally acknowlegded him in front of the others and what a great job he was doing I always knew he would do good w/ this position.
Later,before he went to sleep on the very uncomfortable futon, I brought him a matress cover and asked if he wanted it b/c it will make the futton feel softer. He took it and seemed pleased.
I really do not try on purpose to make him feel guilty, it just seems like whenever I am beign just me or nice he gives me the guilty body language!
So, please tell me why you think I have a good influence on him?
My oldest daughter 9yrs made a comment this morning when we were on the subject of why daddy seems to be always in abad and grouchy mood and I told her it wasn't anyones fault that daddy is not happy w/ anyone but himself right now and she added he is happy w/ his girlfriend! Ouchy, ouchy ... she said that b/c when they were at the park and they were sitting together on the bench he put his arm around her, then I tried to play it off and told her that people or daddy does that to rest his arm on the back of the bench. She seemed to let it go....
ANYWHO.... CL r u there can you look at my last post?
What makes you think I have influence on my H? I guess I don't see it over his stubborness and super machoness.
Yesturday, I decided to go back to my sweet loving self and "kill 'em w/ kindness" which seem to have worked in the past. I gave him a call at his work (I have not done that in a long time). I was cheerful and acting "as if", but I tried not to pressure him but first stating that I needed a favor IF and only if he was coming home tonight. What is it? I am cooking spagehetti and if you could please stop by the store and buy some garlic bread? Sure, I guess , but don't get use to it,this is a phrase he uses a lot after we had not been talking for awhile and I attempt to be kind and make the first move (as usual). Thanks so much I appreciate it!, I repleid.
As we sat in front of the tube eating ,he was proceeding to tell me something about work when he said "I know you probably don't care,but.... he went to tell me how he made sells of the week for the 2nd time in one month and hopefully he can make it for the quarter and if he does he will get $1000.00! I said wow what an incentive!! I said how great it is that they formally acknowlegded him in front of the others and what a great job he was doing I always knew he would do good w/ this position.Later,before he went to sleep on the very uncomfortable futon, I brought him a matress cover and asked if he wanted it b/c it will make the futton feel softer. He took it and seemed pleased. I really do not try on purpose to make him feel guilty, it just seems like whenever I am beign just me or nice he gives me the guilty body language!
So, please tell me why you think I have a good influence on him?
Reread this post right here. See how when you were nice to him he responded in a good way by telling you about his day? He ate with you and slept in your marital home. He did NOT run off with OW and eat at her house. He probably felt all good inside as he drifted off to sleep becasue you brought that mattress pad.
Don't let his little silly side comments get to you. My husband says all sorts of off the wall things. I am learning to just let it go. When he tries pushing your buttons, you need to do the 180 and not have any buttoms for him to push. You can scream later in your pillow at night if you want.
I doubt your H is truly happy with OW. I have a feeling deep inside he wish it were you Chicki. Why else do you think he sticks around?
I do not think I have the answer to that question about them staying out of guilt. I think that most macho men would leave completely if they were that guilt ridden AND did not think there was hope for their marriage.
I know my husband is very manly/macho. He is NOT going to do anything he DOES NOT want too. That is just how he is about EVERYTHING. So even though he has threatened to leave, that fact that he hasn't speaks volumes for me. I am finally really absorbing the concept of listen to NOTHING they say and only HALF of what they do.
Right now we are at some sort of stale mate. I am giving him his space though. Praying for him. I am not going to initiate any fights He has a lot of things and stress on his mind. I do not want to be a part of it. Hopefully I will be less and less of the burden. I did initiate two fights last week. It was me because I did not know when to just quit and I was making a huge issue of stuppid little comments he made. He warned me too. Bad me. So I myself have to remove my buttons. Monday he tried to press a few. I just let it go. And you know what it felt good.
In my sitch I feel like my H wants me to be the one to throw him out. That way he can throw it back in my face later. He loves throwing things I say back on my face later. Well you this, you that, thats why I did that and this. So my 180 is I will give him NOTHING he can throw back at me. I feel so much better. Now I have no regrets over what I say to him in the passion of the moment. We could have argued this past Monday. But we didn't. I had self control. Self control feels way better then anything mean, clingy, or needy I could have screamed at him.
I have the book The power of the praying wife, but I lent it out to a coworker and she is taking her sweet time around to reading it and I feel like I have to refresh myself w/ the book again. Thts funny what you said about him warning you when you kept on w/ the arguing b/c my H does that from time to time to get me focused again and to say ok enough is enough!
I just try to keep reminding myself that I have handed it over to God and will be delt w/ in His time not when I want it. I can't remember if I asked you this before,but if you are still ML w/ him it does not bother you about STD's? One part of me wants to ML (it's been a while), but the other part feels like this is where I show him my boundaries and that I don't want him making ML to the both of us at the same time. Then I also wonder if I continue NOT having sex that his sex w/ the OW will only get better?? Do you know what I mean? We never had any promblems in the intimacy part he even said so.
I guess this will be my new prayer whether or not initiate and let him know its ok to ML to me. That is my one confusion right now. I don't want too much time to pass where he forgets how it was in that sense and only fantasize about OW.
I was also wondering if I suggested him using condoms, but that will also say to him "it's ok for you to have sex w/ the both of us".
