Could Use Some Input Over here

[RedHeadWife]

Journaling, I guess, but could use some encouragement today.

I'm feeling so very insecure -- I guess a huge part of the breakdown of our M and where a lot of issues/problems stemmed from was I didn't realize until now how very attracted I am to my H physically and emotionally -- he was just my husband and, even after I found out he had cheated before, I guess since D was not a part of my vocabulary and therefore didn't ever think it was even a possibility and I guess I just didn't think another A could or would happen, I just took him for granted. (yes, long run on sentence)

Now that I know it truly is possible to lose him, I'm feeling still like I'm not enough or good enough, etc.

He has only 2 wks before he leaves for his 1 yr deployment and I'm left to wonder if everything is really ok w/ us. Everything seems fine -- he's talking like nothing even ever happened (D bomb, etc.) Will he be able to be faithful all that time though? I'm not so worried physically, but will he still talk to OW and the EA heat up while he's over there? I know I will just have to make sure that I am still fulfilling him emotionally over the phone, etc., but if he's still talking to her, how will that affect things?

Part of me thinks I should just talk to him about all of this, but I am SO SCARED that I may hear things I don't want to hear or that starting an R talk, etc. will end up screwing up the progress we have made.

I honestly don't dwell on these negative things all the time, but I think it's all hitting me since it's getting so close to him leaving. The way I handle things (like him leaving) are I don't allow myself to really "deal" with it until I have to -- no sense dwelling on it and being upset about it for months prior to it actually happening, but now that it's getting so close, it's starting to hit home.