See, what I wrote last night has very little to do with how cac4 views my body. He has ALWAYS told me I'm beautiful, that my body is beautiful, that he loves all my parts even when I don't, etc. etc. I KNOW this. Even at my most unappealing (as I saw it) when I was pg (I never felt more unattractive than during that time), he thought I was beautiful. But, when *I* don't feel beautiful, my sex drive can become virtually non-existant. Nothing he says makes much of a difference.

I'm grieving a loss--the loss of being a healthy, young, sexual woman. I was robbed of that because of my parents' stupid, thoughtless behavior. Part of my emergence from my LD fog was this realization that I missed out on SO MUCH. Yes, I know, I'm only 44 and not all washed up. But, knowing that doesn't give me back the lost years. I have to go through the entire grieving process, and I've only just started.

Maybe by being upset with my present body, I'm still blaming myself for my youthful fears of my womanly body. I suppose that's all part of the trauma/betrayal bond. I know that if I tried to confront my parents (I have before), they'd put it back on me--I was too sensitive, they didn't mean anything by it, it was so LONG ago, why can't I just get over it, blah, blah, blah. And because it was emotional abuse, not physical, many people don't view it as being that bad. Sticks and stones crap. So I guess I still struggle with who is actually responsible for my loss. Is it my parents for their treatment of me, or is it me for my perception of their words?

Here's another thing that I'm sure is playing a role in my poor self-image. My mother CONSTANTLY criticized her physical self. I don't think she has a single body part that she DOES like. When I lived with her I got so accustomed to it that I didn't think anything of it. But now, when I see her, I'm struck by how negative she is.

I can't imagine what would have happened to me if I had gotten involved with someone who was critical of my body. I doubt I would be where I am today. If I were in Mojo's position, my body image and issues with my sexuality would be a HUGE roadblock for sure. But, in the safety of my M, I CAN step out of my comfort zone (and I think I'm starting to do this) and move forward.