I wish I could have a decent conversation with my W like that. Where both of us were understanding of each other. Most people are dying to get to that point. Try to be happy you are there. It will take time, but just be patient. She might still have that hair, but it doesnt seem to be as irritated right now. And she is working on trying to remove it. Gotta look at the good side of things.
BTW, I know that feeling, and I cant hide it either. W always knows when I got something on my mind. Only difference is, last time I had that feeling, she got all pissed off at me for feeling that way. I tried to hide it, but I guess I did a bad job. I just wish she would understand. Then again I bet she just wishes that I would understand too. I am trying though, very hard.
Keep it up Jethro, you are getting there.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
Quoting jethro: She was just laying next to me not saying anything, but looking at me.
Jethro,
The dialog was interesting, but I think this speaks volumes. Sorry, you have me in tears here (Michele - we need a crying face picture). It's beautiful. She loves you, my friend. That's what matters most. You will get through this together, maybe slowly, maybe painfully at times, but you will.
Not sure I'm as much help to you as the others here right now - I'm afraid I'm on a different page, probably closer to the page Floyd is on!
Hey Jim, Owen, Bob, RJJ. Thanks for comin' by my chipper thread. I REALLY appreciate all of your words.
Quote: She loves you, my friend. That's what matters most. You will get through this together, maybe slowly, maybe painfully at times, but you will.
RJJ, you are such a kind person. You know, could you tell this to my W because she still doesn't believe it? Just wait and see...
So, today I thought it was time to review some information on infidelity so I can begin to work through it. To date, I've kind of avoided it because I knew it would be painful; however, I decided that the sooner I read up the better I'd be. Well, I now question this decision...
So I read...and read...and read (work is kind of slow lately). It was around 1:00 that I began to feel anxious. Too anxious. So, I e-mailed my W telling her I was coming home (she had just sent me one so I knew she'd get it).
Well, we had another lovely R talk. Now, on a side note KAW, I know what you're thinking, but I want you to know that my W felt better after having today's marathon talk...but not me.
After reading all of this junk I decided that I really wanted to know more of the A details. What I read suggested that over time you will learn this and that, and to heal, you and your S has to openly discuss things...almost a way of regaining intimacy. Well, because I thought my W had been vague on a few things, I decided to question her even further. Let's see...some interesting things that I learned.
1) That she ended the A right before I began to DB!?!? I guess this shows something about her character. 2) That the OM was 47! What the hell is that when she could have a nice spry 33 year old? 3) That the first time they talked about "getting together" they were doing a slow dance on the dancefloor. Nice...where in the world was my sister when this was going on (my W and sister always went together and my W says my sister doesn't know...although she wonders if she wonders)? 4) My W still very much feels like we have a good friendship, has felt this way for a long time, and does not have passionate thoughts for me. Well, let me put it this way, I asked if she was attracted to me and her response was, "We have good sex." Great, what's that? She did say, however, that the changes I'm making make me more attractive. 5) That she vacillates on whether we can work things out, but is very willing to give it some true effort this time around...because we have a lot at stake. Lovely, it would have been nice if she clued in before having the A. 6) She does not know that I will ever get the kind of R from her that I'd like. 7) She occasionally misses the OM. 8) Attraction to the OM was pretty much lust. Whatever...
So, after this conversation I feel much worse, but she feels much better. She had to leave and go workout. She called me on the phone and told me that she thought our talk was productive. Ugh!
I hate this sh!t. Gotta go even though I have more to say. My W just came home from the gym and is feeling passing-outish. Anxiety?
So now you know the details didnt help you much. Might make you think twice about asking for more info. I feel like I need to know the details too, but I think it will piss me off majorly for a while. I still feel like I need to know.
I am glad your W thought it was productive. I think she is having anxiety over it too though. You guys need to go out and have some fun this weekend. I think you are having too much R talk and not enough good times. Try that this weekend and see if you feel a little bit better next week.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
You know, Owen, we are having a lot of the R talk, but I mentioned this last night and she thinks it's fine...that we need to do it. I think it's worse for me because I'm hearing all the new stuff while she's getting everything off of her chest. She told me last night that she's had a few minor anxiety attacks...thinks the stuff over the last year is finally getting to her after bottling it up for so long. Our R talks are not the source of these attacks as they happen at different times; however, her feeling like she was going to pass out last night might have been a result of our R talk yesterday. Who knows?
In terms of doing something fun, that's already in the works. We are making a point of having some good family/H&W time tonight, then tomorrow night we're going on a double-date with my sister and her H. I do so need to blow off some steam. I feel like a pressure cooker.
Thanks for dropping by. To be honest, yesterday I was thinking that I wanted to just end it because it's so painful, I've already been through the ringer, and I still have got a long way to go with only minor hope for success. Unhealthy attitude? Probably, but I'm getting worn down...I've been dealing with this for 16 months and DBing three. I'm tired.
Quoting jethro: I've already been through the ringer, and I still have got a long way to go ...
... so the only way to go is up ...
3 weeks of DBing will not cancel out 16 months of He!!
It took 16 month to create the hurt that pains you, but now she is working to clear the air so there can no longer be anymore hurt between you. It is only fair to say it is going to take much more than 3 weeks to heal 16 months of hurt, but the pain will fade.
Your tired because your mind has been working nearly 24/7 on processing your emotions. Jethro with the busy agenda this weekend, try to resist your mind from wanting to back to processing. Come up with that mantra to stop the thoughts. Repeat it over and over to keep your mind working on something different for a change.
I was hoping you'd stop by KAW (BTW, I've been DBing 3 months, not 3 weeks...no big).
Quote: Come up with that mantra to stop the thoughts. Repeat it over and over to keep your mind working on something different for a change.
Is this really healthy? Am I not just shoving my feelings down like my W did for the last 16 months? I have this nagging worry that if I don't deal with the pain now I won't be able to move forward to fix things...I guess this paranoia stems from previous experiences. I don't know, maybe you're right, KAW. I just need to turn the switch for a little while, then occasionally flip it back to deal with the pain, then back again. Rollercoaster, no?
Do you have a heavy bag or some way of releasing your anger? A heavy bag will work wonders. You will feel much better after beating up a bag for a while (and nobody gets hurt in the process).
I know the wore down feeling. I am getting tired of it myself. Sometimes I wonder why I am even trying.
I just might work over the heavy bag tonight as a matter of fact.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
Quoting jethro: I was hoping you'd stop by KAW (BTW, I've been DBing 3 months, not 3 weeks...no big).
Sorry, Jethro, I misread your post, but the point is still valid.
Quoting jethro: Is this really healthy? Am I not just shoving my feelings down like my W did for the last 16 months? I have this nagging worry that if I don't deal with the pain now I won't be able to move forward to fix things...I guess this paranoia stems from previous experiences. I don't know, maybe you're right, KAW. I just need to turn the switch for a little while, then occasionally flip it back to deal with the pain, then back again. Rollercoaster, no?
Its all about keeping in balance. Tip the scale too much one way or the other is not healthy. You do have to process your pain so you can find acceptance and forgiveness, but it must not consume you. Take breathers (using a mantra or whatever works for you) in order to avoid feeling beat up or burned out. When you feel tire of the sitch, its time to allow yourself to refreshen & strengthen your PMA so you can work through it some more with less danger of becoming overwelmed by it.
Jethro , please take what I write as words of caution meant only to avoid hitting anymore pitfalls than you have to. As to what I think ... I think you have been and will continue to do what is best for you in order to work your way through this in order to give your marriage the best prospects of being a happy one once again.
I really dont have much to add. You have been getting great advice. I see my impatience in you. KAW is right it took 16 months to make the mess it make take 16 to fix it. Think of it this way. There are times when I am doing a project and half way through it I get tired of it. I take a break come back and finish it. And then I wonder why I thought it was so bad. You need a break. Then set up some goals and mile markers so you can see your progress. You are strong enough to do this. Look how much you have already accomplished. Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and will pray for you and your W.
What the hell is that when she could have a nice spry 33 year old?
