OF, Excellent post. Especially about detachment – love the hill analogy.
Since others are reading please allow me to post my journey in detachment. Hope I am not high-jacking.
I am in the same place and it was a slow process. When we first separated I thought we would be back together in a few months at most. Her life revolved around the kids and I thought “sharing” them between households would cause her to reconsider. It did not. I showed the kids a great summer and the kids asked her when I was coming home – she told them I was not. I really thought the holidays would bring us together, but no. Not spending Christmas morning with her children? Did not matter. Her mom got sick and she needed support but still no move towards me. She went to the emergency room just before Christmas with severe reaction to stress – still no second guessing. She engaged an attorney last October but I filed first due to potential custody issues (being the filing party has some advantages).
BTW, it has been 14 months since my bomb – almost one month for every year I knew her.
Along the way I was hoping and praying and I was in pain. But along the way I went from focusing on her to focusing on me and my life. As you say I reached the top of that hill. It is hard to slow down in moving on once you crest, once you accept things for what they are.
I too still vacillate emotionally but the swings are not as pronounced; more like a kayak in a fast moving stream with challenging rapids rather than a rollercoaster.
I don’t think the sadness will leave for a very long time yet.
It takes 18 months to get to trial here so it is to my advantage to move it along now that I see my situation more objectively. There is also a liberating feeling to take control and in fact do things for me for a change. Plus I can steer the negotiations some. A final point is that we are trying to stop the emotional divorce; that is different from the legal one.
The alternative is to put my life on hold another year. It is a hard decision.
Like you, I believe I would consider trying again if she makes any indication she is willing. Maybe the draft settlement papers will affect her. But trying again becomes less attractive to me as time passes.
She still desires a D, she has made that clear. But she does not have the fortitude to draft up the agreements. She wants to run away. She just wants me to go away. Or is it that she really does not want the D deep down? I do not believe so; I cannot read her mind (so you never really know) and her actions do not support this. She *needs* the D – she just does not want to deal with the process (even though she has a lawyer).
So I have decided to *push* the D. It is what she wants, based on ALL indications, and I hate to say it is looking better and better to me to.
