Emily - I don't think there's anything wrong with that - SO LONG as you MAKE HIM PROVE IT for a LONG time before you get back involved with him.
OW is living with his family??? THAT would be a NO for me. I sure wouldn't date him or sleep with him or spend more than the minimum amount of time with him until OW is completely out of his life.
That being said - this sounds awful, I know - is there any way you could use this to your advantage to get a car out of him??? I know that's one of the big obstacles in your life, not having a car. So - tell him if he's really sincere, he'd buy you a car so you have a way to get to a job and to take your babies around.
Also - give the info on where he's working to children's services. You'll know something important by how he reacts. If he gets made at you for it, you'll know he's NOT accepting responsibility for his kids. That's HIS debt and he owes it, period.
The key here is to KEEP MOVING FORWARD with your life. If you want to leave the door open for him, that's fine - just be very very clear on your boundaries, and make him prove it in every way. If you really just think you're done - that's fine too. Be done. (But maybe you can get a car out of him first??? )
The OW living with family is an issue for me. He says *SAYS MIND YOU* that he is NOT allowed to live there, his family does not want him, but they'll take her.
The car has been taken... there isn't anyway for either of us to get the Cavalier back... but he told that all his paychecks would be coming directly to me, he said "I'd basically be paying you to stay married to me" <--It was a half hearted joke...
I just don't want to get tangled up in this mess again. I feel horrible for wanting to shut him out if he's really changed if he really does "just want his life back" If he is sincere in missing his children and his wife... I would feel awful. But it's not worth the possible heartache for me.
I'm going to try to explain this to him again tonight.
I cannot continue moving forward and just leave the door open for him to try.. It's all or nothing for me. So I choose nothing
I wouldn't be suprised if he's feeling some heat on the child support front (especially with the new job) and is trying to trick you into 'calling off the dogs'. I could be wrong, but you've never told us one thing he told you that ever stuck, I don't see why he'd start now. Be very careful. He is not worthy of being called husband or dad.
He needs to pay the state, and the state pays you. On top of that, he should give you money for a car. But don't let him start paying the child support directly to you in exchange for calling off the state - then you will have to go through all this again when/if he bags on you again.
WHY is OW living with his family? I forget, is she pregnant? If so, maybe they feel like they need to make sure their grandchild is born healthy. Interesting, though, that they don't want him, even though he is supposedly turning his life around. That seems like a big red flag.
His childsupport is now current. He is going to call the state himself when he starts actually driving (training now), and he has already put the paperwork in for the girls on his insurance with JB Hunt... so we'll see if they get the medical.
I don't want his support... I want him OUT... I want him out of my life.
I've lost me peace, and I am unsure of how to proceed. If I walk away from his pleading, I will be the one who desserted this chance at a WHOLE family... I do not feel like it is the right thing to turn and walk away when I have cursed him over and over for doing it to me when I was pleading. BUT...
I know that I cannot handle this. I hate him for calling me. I hate him for disturbing my life. I wish he would just choose to go away. I feel trapped.
kml... Yes the OW is pregnant... due in June I guess. and like I said, I have no idea what is going on. I assume to know nothing... not even what I am told, I am just relaying the stories as they are told.
I went so far lastnight, trying to wriggle out of doing this again, as to tell him that one of us (OW or I) had to make him stick one R and since she wouldn't I would. He said, "OK" and I said, "Kevin go home. Go be with Cassie." I just kept telling him over and over and over and over (get the hint) that he would eventually change his mind back about her and leave me. I told him to go and enjoy the new family. He just kept saying, "He wanted his life back." "He only had one family and that was in Westfield" etc etc etc... he cried he begged he called when I would hang up.
He played my role (when I use to chase him) and I played his lastnight... I just kept saying it was over... and he would cry and beg... and... I just kept thinking of how I felt... and I cannot make him feel like that.... even though he's done it to me. Two wrong don't make a right. I don't know.... I'm confused.
You know, Em, there is something between booting him entirely and getting back into a R with him. That in-between is called "proving himself". Don't date him, don't sleep with him, don't plan your life around anyone but YOU. But go ahead and let him show you what he can do. Give it a year. He has to start over at the very very beginning. He has to prove to you his changes are REAL, then he has to interest you in him like any other new guy, then maybe maybe you would date him, etc. etc.
And if you don't want him back, don't bother. You're within your rights to be done - so if that feels right to you, then fine.
Does he have any INSIGHT into why he did all this? Does he understand anything? Or is he just running from his new responsibilities?
"He only had one family and that was in Westfield"
He left that family. Time and time again. He abused you. That baby doesn't know her father from a stranger in the grocery store. He deserves nothing from you because he repeatedly takes everything you have and leaves you standing there by yourself crying. EVERYTIME, EMILY. Every single time.
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I just kept thinking of how I felt... and I cannot make him feel like that
Emily, if he knew what love was and felt that for you and those girls, he never would have made you feel like that.
Emily, Kevin NEEDS to be alone. If he were half the man you deserve he would have come back to you clean and sober and free of Cassie instead of wasting so much time bouncing around til he pissed her off and then came running back to you.
He does not deserve more chances from you.
He needs to man up and I seriously question if he ever will.
The best thing you can do for him is to STOP ENABLING HIM.
And pray for him instead.
Just for him as a person.
Put him in God's hands. Keep moving forward with YOUR life. Your situation calls for that, Emily. I have never said that to anyone else on the boards. But I saw your face after he left a few months back and I won't forget that.
Thank you all for the advice. I need to get my head around ... and relax for awhile, and figure out what I want to do. Which is hard for me, because I KNOW that everyone thinks I should hate him. Everyone says I should walk away.
I don't know if it's what I want or if I just don't think there is another choice.
I am going into this cautiously, I will be restrained. But I am going to give it one more whirl. I told him I would file for the D instantiously if I found out he was even still talking to the OW. I told him I didn't trust him and it might take years. I told him about how his words mean nothing and he has to prove this through actions.
I will come around when I've gotten my head on straight.
But Amy this is the first time I disagree with you. I don't see a monster, not at all. I see a very very confused man.... who screwed up over and over and over. I see a man who has been living a shell of a life for too long. I pity my "monster", and I know that even God could take that monsters heart and turn it back. I am just going to keep praying for Kevin AND ABOUT Kevin... I need the guidance. Thank you all...
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