Well, we had company over last night, which was fun. The evening went without a hitch and we all ended up in our family room talking. For most of the day I felt pretty good, but my W sat down on the floor in front of me, I looked at her face, and got that sinking "damn, how could you" feeling. I'm sure most of you can relate to this feeling, but I tried to blow it off and continue having fun.

So, my W and I get into bed and are just relaxing. The light is on (as I always read), but I was on my back with my eyes closed. She was just laying next to me not saying anything, but looking at me. So, I know I'm not supposed to write dialog, but it's relevant here:

W: What are you thinking about?
Me: Lots of stuff (I was rubbing my face/head like I do when I'm trying to get thoughts of my W in bed with another man out of my mind).
W: Like what?
Me: Just different stuff.
W: Yucky thoughts? (of course, meaning the A)
Me: Yes.
W: I noticed you got a little quiet tonight when we were talking. Is this what you were thinking about? (damn, I can't put ANYTHING past her...and I thought I hid it real well)
Me: Yes. You noticed, huh?
W: Will you ever want to be with me?
(I was quiet for a moment, then turned to look her in the eyes, which looked sad)
Me: Of course I want to be with you. I think in a few years we won't think much about this. That's not so say that we won't still be pained by it sometimes.
W: You have a lot of faith.
Me: ( didn't like that comment because I know it's somewhat fatalistic) Why do you say that?
W: I still feel like I have a wild hair up my a$$.
Me: What do you mean by that?
W: Can't we just leave it at that?
Me: No. Why do you say that?
W: Are you really as calm as you appear to be? ( another thing she has noticed about my changes...it's nice to be noticed)
Me: (quiet for a moment) Yes I am.
W: (trying to change subject with small talk)
Me: Why do you say you have a wild hair up...
W: I just feel like I need my independence sometimes.
Me: From what?
W: Everything (meaning M and our children). Not that I would ever do THAT (meaning the A) again, or anything...
Me: You realize that this is something you have to work out yourself...that you will still have the same feelings even if you were independent. (I went out on a limb with this comment, but I thought she was ready to hear it)
W: Yes, I know.
Me: (relief) Well, do you know what you need to do to make yourself feel more comfortable?
W: (not really saying anything)
Me: You know, I have some ideas, but I'm afraid to tell you because I think you'll run in the other direction.
W: Yes. (interesting how she acknowledged how she didn't want my input...I'll heed that warning)
Me: Let me ask you this: Were you feeling better when you were working? (my W got a seasonal job that just ended with the end of the holidays)
W: (quiet for a moment) Yes...a little bit.
Me: So what does that tell you? (I'm sure you could tell I was leading her down a path)
W: That I need to get a job. Do something else, a hobby and blah blah blah.
Me: The only way you can work on our M is if you work on yourself.
W: I know.

Well, I left a few things out that were not as significant, but you got the gist. She assured me more than once that even though she felt this way, she'd never cheat on me again (oddly, the thought didn't really cross my mind). Interesting conversation. So, clearly my W is NOT feeling as good as I thought...not that I ever thought she was 100%. But, I thought maybe she was 75% back...now I think it's more like 55%. Ugh! More DBing to be done here.

So, input here guys? The way I look at it is a year ago when she pretty much told me the same stuff, I was clingy, whiny, etc., now I'm much more grounded. Also, although she knew before that she needed to do something (hobby or work), she really didn't want to make the effort. Now, it seems as though she really understands that she needs to do something. One more important thing to note that is different than before is that she really feels safe telling me her feelings. I am glad of this because it lets me know where she stands and I can act accordingly--push for a little more or simply back off totally.

I can't say that I was surprised with what she said. I don't expect her to change her entire perspective overnight, but I'm hoping she's on her way to healing herself. She's the only one that can do it. I have 0 power and just need to be encouraging and not overbearing. Although this feels like a step backwards, I'm okay with it. I guess it'll just take a little longer than I had hoped.

I need feedback here, guys. Please???

jethro